Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The McBone Malted Miracle Diet

Every year at this time the McBone mailbag fills up with letters from flabby weaklings who marvel at my uncanny physique.

Well, boys, the chiseled, bronze, oiled Adonis you see each year in the McBone Swimsuit Edition didn't get that way by accident.  In fact, over the past year I noticed that I had tacked on a few extra, unwanted pounds.  Did I panic like some crybaby loser?  Hell no!  I knew what had to be done.  Eschewing the dozens of gimmick diets out there, I sprang to action and concocted a strict regime of my own.  The results were so amazing, I knew I couldn't keep them secret.

The McBone Malted Miracle Diet

Want to transform yourself into a McBone-certified beefcake?  Stop being such a wimp and follow these simple steps:

1) Avoid breakfast!  The liberal media would have it that the so-called "most important meal" is a way to kickstart the metabolism and give you the energy you need for the day.  Our research team has discovered that eating a regular breakfast is dangerously overrated, and may be a leading cause of many ailments, including but not limited to: obesity, depression, gout, ringworm, scoliosis, leprosy, syphilis and worse.  You want energy?  Start your day instead with five cups of strong black coffee.  If you absolutely, positively MUST eat something, stick to the basics.

2) For lunch, allow yourself exactly one malted milkball.  McBone recommends Whoppers (do not confuse with Burger King's signature sandwich), which pack more vitamins and minerals into one little brown ball than you'll get eating an entire side of beef.  As an added benefit, Whoppers are made with milk.  Milk, as everyone knows, is loaded with calcium.  Calcium builds strong bones.  Whoppers: the little malted miracle food.

It is important to know that, while fun-size Whoppers come in packs of three, you should resist the temptation of eating all three malted milk balls at one sitting.  Stick to the Aristotelian credo of moderation in all things.  That includes even the most wholesome and nutritious of foods, like malted milk balls.  If you are still hungry after lunch, treat yourself to a delicious zero calorie, zero cholesterol cigarette.

3) For dinner your choices are wide and varied. Unfortunately, none of these choices apply to this diet.  Eat your two remaining malted milkballs.  That may seem like a scanty portion, but remember, eating slowly makes you feel fuller.  Don't bolt your food.  On weekends, reward yourself with a decadent recipe: Remove the cheese packet from a box of Kraft Macaroni n' Cheese.  Discard pasta.  Dissolve powdered cheese in hot water.  Drink.

Five foods to avoid:

Raw, organic vegetables
Olive loaf
Human flesh

McBone guarantees 100 percent satisfaction.  If you have not lost 50 pounds of unsightly fat after two weeks on the McBone Malted Miracle Diet, that may be indicative of not having what it takes.



Kathy T. said...

You are very narcissistic..I am sure Alex also follows this same dietetic regime and we see no magnificent visual representations of her well oiled physique!!

Kid Shay said...

Now we know how you and Denzel make the rest of us look like garden slugs.

Unknown said...

I love how you attribute eating breakfast to getting scurvy.