Tuesday, March 20, 2007

An Urgent Message From McBone

You've done it a hundred times in your life. You do it without thinking. You believe you have no other choice. The turkey is dry, you tell yourself. What am I supposed to do?

You know what we're talking about. You've just made the perfect sandwich. Ham, salami, swiss, lettuce, tomato, mustard, some nice rye bread, a pickle and maybe some chips on the side. Sounds good, right? Getting hungry? Then you think, hmm, it's missing just one thing...

You reach into the fridge and open the jar. Out wafts an eggy, almost sulfurous smell. It hits you hard, makes you nauseous. You stagger, but fight through it. It will pass, you tell yourself. You grab a knife and scoop out a generous glob. See how it jiggles? See how it quivers ever so slightly, wanting to plop down onto the counter or the floor? Now look at the color. Off-white. The palest, most sickly shade of yellow.

Mayonnaise.

You lift the poor, unsuspecting slice of rye, the one coated already with the nice spicy, brown mustard, and slather a layer of whitish goop over the good work you've just done. Then, replacing the bread, you complete the atrocity. Sandwich ruined. You take a bite, gag, and swallow. Evil prevails.

We at McBone find mayonnaise to be the most reprehensible of condiments, a continuing crime against humanity, a tragedy of epic proportions. Who has never caught a horrifying (and sometimes fatal) whiff of mayonnaise being mixed into a bowl of canned tuna? Who has never asked the innocent question: is there mayonnaise in the pasta salad? only to be answered: just a little. Who hasn't had a favorite burger joint tout its "special sauce," when all you wanted was a little ketchup? It happens to everyone. McBone understands.

McBone is dedicated to the eradication of Mayonnaise in all its forms. We will accept no mayonnaise or mayonnaise substitutes. A few questions to consider: Trying to quit and can't? McBone is there for you. Being pressured by family and peers to try the ham salad? Our support group is ready to listen. Keep finding little gobs of mayonnaise in the mustard jar? You'll find McBone can counsel you through most any mayonnaise emergency.

Mayonnaise liberation starts at home. With a pair of rubber gloves, carefully remove your mayonnaise jar from the refrigerator and take to the nearest hazardous waste control center. Replace refrigerator. If you experience a spill, evacuate premises immediately and contact authorities.

McBone is convinced we can liberate our society from mayonnaise oppression. Do not be fooled by those who would tell you it's just eggs and oil! Together, we can make the world safe for future generations.

Mayonnaise tip: beware of the following dangerous mayonnaise euphemisms: Hellmann's, Miracle Whip, special sauce, mayo, sandwich spread, and all of the following "salads": tuna, turkey, chicken, ham, seafood, potato, pasta.

Sinister Mayonnaise Propaganda

3 comments:

Josh said...

Holy mother of mercy.
Finally, a blog that will tackle the tough issues of TODAY, unflinchingly. It would be easy to forget the "white menace" that lurks in my very refridgerator, but your post moves me to action.
MAYONNAISE: NEVER AGAIN.

Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...

Thank you, Josh. Your own personal traumatic experience speaks volumes to this activist.
nb

Anonymous said...

Should we also punish bands that name their songs "Mayonnaise?" Down w/ the Smashing Pumpkins for promoting the great white disease!!!