Thursday, March 29, 2007

What Is REALLY Eating at Nate Bowler!?

This is a question pondered by many in the Mcbone community. Well, I have your answer. Jeff Bowler does not usually like to boast (well maybe he always does) but in this circumstance it seems unavoidable.

It has become very apparent that the two brothers' lone niece or nephew, Seda Moon Bowler Tunick has developed an immensely greater attachment to Jeff Bowler. She often can't distinguish who Nate Bowler is causing great anguish to the lesser uncle. Although Jeff does not condone these actions by Seda, he is very clear in stating that this is no coincidence. He is known worldwide as being an expert with children. They are very easily drawn to his kindness, gentle nature and paternal instincts.

Although Seda has already made it clear who her favorite uncle is, I would like to point out that Nate could one day gain the respect of his niece. Keep your head up and push through these hard times. Maybe Isla Sun, the new coming attraction in the Bowler-Tunick family, will balance the powers of the greatest uncle, but not likely.

You can rest easy knowing that when I have children there is no conceivable way that I will be their favorite uncle. Though you will be winning that battle by default, it will be a victory nonetheless.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Jeff Bowler accepts position with Cavaliers and affiliate Lake Erie Monsters

In a breaking story released by the media director for the Cleveland Cavaliers Group, LLC. in the early hours of Wednesday morning March 21st, it has been revealed that Jeff Bowler has been signed by the company to a multi-year deal. He has been brought in specifically to help boost sales for the new franchise, The Lake Erie Monsters, recently purchased by Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert.
The Lake Erie Monsters will take hold as the minor league franchise for the Colorado Avalanche. Jeff will join a team of young individuals devoted to making the Cavaliers, Quicken Loans Arena and The Lake Erie Monsters the most outstanding franchises in the sports industry. He is extremely excited to get started.
Jeff Bowler declined an interview but did leave a statement with his agent. "I am very excited about the opportunity to help build this new franchise. I have very high expectations and infinite ideas on how to take all three of the franchises within Quicken Loans Arena to new heights. I would like to thank my family, my friends, Dan Gilbert and the Cavaliers, Heidelberg College, Revere High School, the Deighan family and anyone else who helped me to achieve my dream of becoming a Cavalier employee. Even when I have been promoted to the front office for the Cavs, and have become one of Cleveland's fastest growing legends, I will never forget the people who helped get me there. Thanks again and I greatly look forward to becoming part of the Lake Erie Monsters family."

Exact details of the contract have not been released and the Cavaliers could not be reached for comment. McBone Press.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

France vs. USA

Last night Alex and I were nestled into our rather uncozy apartment, at work on our respective novels, when came a soft knock on the door. I opened up to find two of our co-residents who call this little, subdivided house in La Roche-sur-Yon, France home. The problem, one of them explained, was that we make too much noise. Specifically, we slam the door of our communal bathroom in the wee hours of the morning. I quickly apologized and assumed the matter was settled. The intruding reek of alcoholic breath should have told me otherwise. The fun was only beginning

The second party, unsatisfied, quickly dove into a anti-American rant. You Americans always leave the bathroom door open, he complained, and you slam it all the time. We countered that he had thrown a party the past weekend that kept us up until 6 AM. That's different, he answered. One has the right to throw a party, but I'm going to kill you Americans. He punctuated his death threat by "shooting" us (sound effects and all) three times with his finger.

We promptly slammed and locked the door.

Our friendly neighbors did not go away, but kept knocking, and, when I threatened to call the police, they laughed. The police were called and quickly came, and the disturbance was dragged away in handcuffs (not before the anti-American decided to come at us again, no less than six cops present, telling us to go back to America). Today they are back, and we are looking frantically for a new place to live.

All this because of a difference in origin (and a substatial intake of liquor). I've always detested nationalism and that fellow sentiment that is hatred of another based on nationality. We have spent the past year and a half living in France. There are aspects of the culture I admire, and other parts I would change. None of that affects my regard for the French people as a whole. I feel exactly that way about my native land. A great person is a great person. A shithead is a shithead. You don't need a passport to tell the difference.

Nationalism is the sentiment that allows us to cheer our country on as we drop bombs in an unjust war. Nationalism gives rise to the likes of Hitler. Nationalism rates right there with racism or sexism in my book, a dangerous and devisive tool of intolerance, and another "ism" that the world could happily do without. This is no knock on culture, mind you. Cultural diversity is what makes the world beautiful. Borders are what I'm talking about, those artificial lines that say keep out, or you'll be safe in here.

These men, I presume, have never been to the United States. I'm certain I'm being generous in calling their knowledge of US culture limited. One way to mollify their hatred would be to start learning. These two would rather have us dead.


Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Our Murdering Bastard President

34,452. That's the number of Iraqi civilian casualties in the year 2006, according to the United Nations.

Devout christian George W. Bush talks about creating a "culture of life." No abortions. No stem cell research, but apparently life ceases to be precious once a person is actually born. Bombs on Baghdad? Let 'em fly!

The people who died at the World Trade Center were not attacked by Iraqis. Yet Iraq has been hardest hit by our retaliation. Varying reports have the Iraqi death toll between 60,000 to over 600,000, depending on how statistics are tabulated.

Over and over George Bush has repeated, "the world changed after 9/11." Horseshit. The world has always been at war. Not until global leaders come together with an agenda of peace will I say the world has changed.

Presumably, George Bush's religious beliefs allow for the existence of heaven and hell. I believe that, if there is a hell, George W. Bush belongs in its deepest, hottest reaches.

Think impeachment is too good for him? So do I, but it's a start, and you can sign an online petition to do just that.


Tuesday, March 20, 2007

An Urgent Message From McBone

You've done it a hundred times in your life. You do it without thinking. You believe you have no other choice. The turkey is dry, you tell yourself. What am I supposed to do?

You know what we're talking about. You've just made the perfect sandwich. Ham, salami, swiss, lettuce, tomato, mustard, some nice rye bread, a pickle and maybe some chips on the side. Sounds good, right? Getting hungry? Then you think, hmm, it's missing just one thing...

You reach into the fridge and open the jar. Out wafts an eggy, almost sulfurous smell. It hits you hard, makes you nauseous. You stagger, but fight through it. It will pass, you tell yourself. You grab a knife and scoop out a generous glob. See how it jiggles? See how it quivers ever so slightly, wanting to plop down onto the counter or the floor? Now look at the color. Off-white. The palest, most sickly shade of yellow.


You lift the poor, unsuspecting slice of rye, the one coated already with the nice spicy, brown mustard, and slather a layer of whitish goop over the good work you've just done. Then, replacing the bread, you complete the atrocity. Sandwich ruined. You take a bite, gag, and swallow. Evil prevails.

We at McBone find mayonnaise to be the most reprehensible of condiments, a continuing crime against humanity, a tragedy of epic proportions. Who has never caught a horrifying (and sometimes fatal) whiff of mayonnaise being mixed into a bowl of canned tuna? Who has never asked the innocent question: is there mayonnaise in the pasta salad? only to be answered: just a little. Who hasn't had a favorite burger joint tout its "special sauce," when all you wanted was a little ketchup? It happens to everyone. McBone understands.

McBone is dedicated to the eradication of Mayonnaise in all its forms. We will accept no mayonnaise or mayonnaise substitutes. A few questions to consider: Trying to quit and can't? McBone is there for you. Being pressured by family and peers to try the ham salad? Our support group is ready to listen. Keep finding little gobs of mayonnaise in the mustard jar? You'll find McBone can counsel you through most any mayonnaise emergency.

Mayonnaise liberation starts at home. With a pair of rubber gloves, carefully remove your mayonnaise jar from the refrigerator and take to the nearest hazardous waste control center. Replace refrigerator. If you experience a spill, evacuate premises immediately and contact authorities.

McBone is convinced we can liberate our society from mayonnaise oppression. Do not be fooled by those who would tell you it's just eggs and oil! Together, we can make the world safe for future generations.

Mayonnaise tip: beware of the following dangerous mayonnaise euphemisms: Hellmann's, Miracle Whip, special sauce, mayo, sandwich spread, and all of the following "salads": tuna, turkey, chicken, ham, seafood, potato, pasta.

Sinister Mayonnaise Propaganda

Barack Obama Makes A Strong Case

Why not Barack for the next U.S. President? The words spoken by Obama in this video give him the latest edge in the race for my endorsement.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Cavaliers Vs. Utah Jazz. March 17, 2007. Floor Seats!

There are many things I will remember about this day: drinking throughout the morning and afternoon with some of my closest friends in celebration of one of my favorite holidays; watching the debauchery take place on the streets of the bustling metropolis that Cleveland was on this fateful day, and, later that evening, attending the Cavaliers game with center-court floor seats.
As memorable as all those things were there was one thing that evening that will stay with me forever. It wasn't the heroics of #23, the greatest basketball player in the world. It won't be #32 handing Brian Gibb and I his headband b/c we had a few encouraging words for him. Nor will it be the image of #5 making his long awaited return to Cleveland in the midst of repeated "Boozer Sucks" chants throughout the game.
Forever imprinted in my mind from this glorious day will be the actions of #29. No, he wasn't playing in the game, and in fact I very highly doubt he has ever stepped foot on a basketball court to actually play. It was this slick haired pipsqueak of a man wearing the black and white stripes. Yes that's right. Steve Javie. An NBA referee.
Mr. Javie made a questionable call at one point early on in this ballgame. I decided to take it up with him personally. No profane language was used and I made no movement towards him or onto the court. But apparently Javie is not very receptive to feedback from the fans. He immediately ran to fetch security like a little kid running from the playground bully. Steve Javie attempted to have me, the #1 Cavaliers fan in the world (as stated by my license plates), removed from the arena. Although we were confronted by men with ear pieces and strapped with walkie talkies, saner minds prevailed and I was allowed to stay.

A message to Steve who is notorious for trying to remove fans from NBA games:
I would like to remind you Steve Javie that you are a referee, the lowest of the of low. Nobody likes you. You are at the bottom of the food chain. You are worse than the scum located in the grease traps underneath our stove. How you arrived at the conclusion in your mind that the fans are inferior to you, I will never truly understand. You better hope that you never see me outside of your safe zone, in an arena full of security guards, b/c I do not tolerate cowards. I take this as a personal attack on me, my character and the Cleveland Cavaliers organization, therefore putting you in the top five of my all-time most hated people list.
Thank you for your time in allowing me to vent my frustrations.
These opinions are backed 100% by both the NOML and NIML. Go Cavs!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Happy St. Patrick's Day from McBone!

In celebration of St. Patricks Day, McBone would like to take the opportunity to salute Guinness. It's been almost 250 years since Arthur Guinness began brewing his famous stout at the St. James's Gate Brewery in Dublin, which we at McBone consider a far more worthy contribution to society than the banishing of snakes. So, this saturday, we encourage you to head to your local pub (if your bar does not have Guinness on tap, find a new, more reputable watering hole) and order yourself a pint of dark and creamy bliss. Otherwise, crack open a can or bottle and enjoy at home.

McBone endorses the consumption of spiritous beverages.

Friday, March 16, 2007

300th McBone Hit!

On behalf of McBone Incorporated, Nate Bowler, Jeff Bowler, the NOML and the NIML, we would like to extend our sincere appreciation to all you McBoners out there. Today we reached a milestone with our 300th hit and we would like to take this opportunity to say thanks to the people that make this blog possible.

We realize that without our devoted and loyal McBone bloggers this site and our dream would have flopped. That being said, we invite all of you to increase your participation, post your comments and leave us any feedback on how you think the site is doing. We welcome both praise and criticism but don't bother telling us we are ridiculous, crazy, or absurd because we are already quite aware. So take a few minutes the next time you visit our blog to register and put a pin on our guest map. It will be well worth your time and that is a McBone guarantee!

Someday in the near future we hope to transform this blog into a full blown website. This would be a major step for McGraw and Stabbone, but for now, please keep visiting as we will work very hard to provide a little something for everyone.Don't forget to pass along the word about the growing McBone craze.

When we reach our 1,000th hit all of our loyal readers will receive a special gift.

Soon we will be known across the world and this is because of you, The McGraw and Stabbone Bloggers!


Alberto Gonzales Scandal

We at McBone believe that torture advocate Alberto Gonzales should resign his post as attorney general not because he: a) advocates torture, or b) is currently embroiled in a scandal involving the firing of seven United States attorneys, but because he has what is possibly the most egregious dye-job of any government official. Not since Ronald Reagan has hair dye been used in such copious quantities. McBone is suspicious of any 51-year-old male with perfectly jet-black hair, especially one holding such a high position of political influence. Moreover, Mr. Gonzales' ill-conceived attempt at a moustache has NOML fans and officials in an uproar.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Jeff Bowler Postpones Presidential Endorsement

As I reflect upon the tenure of our current president, I find myself wondering if any candidate in the upcoming election will be able to reverse the disaster that will be George W. Bush's presidential legacy. Can the youthful energy, exuberance and positive nature of Barack Obama effectively change the broken and corrupted government that runs our country today? Will Hillary's experience, the worldwide respect for her husband, and her natural ability to lead be able to reverse crumbling U.S. foreign relations?

These are questions I will seek answers to in the coming months. Barack Obama vehemently opposes the Iraq war and has put together a plan to bring our soldiers home. He is strongly involved in creating an honest and open government to clean up our political system and eliminate corruption. He is also a strong leader in pushing for a new energy plan to decrease fuel emissions and conserve our natural resources.

Hillary is a leading advocate for children's and women's rights. She has fought her entire life to help provide legal counsel and aid to those who are unable to afford it. From the moment Clinton began her Senate term in 2000 she has lobbied Congress for middle class tax cuts and an increase in minimum wage (opposed to government officials in the house, senate and congress continually seeking pay increases). She is also a proponent of the Plan B contraceptive which the Bush administration is currently attempting to ban.

There are certain issues that I feel very strongly about: abortion, gay rights, the environment, Iraq, gun control and the economy. Some of these have not been fully addressed by the above candidates. For this reason I am choosing to defer my endorsement. As the candidates begin to heat up their individual campaigns and make their stances on these issues clearer to the public, I will proclaim my preference for the next United States President.

As you may or may not have figured out I have eliminated any of the other candidates from my consideration. My endorsement will go to Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.

Please check back with us in the coming months. We will soon be adding a presidential poll for the public on our site. Mcbone Incorporated would love to know who you think can clean up the colossal mess that will be left by the Bush administration.

Again we would like to make clear that we welcome all political opinions on our blog. Please do not hesistate to voice your displeasure with our choices or make an argument to show the other Mcbone bloggers who you think should be the next president.

Thank you for your time.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Our Recipe of the Month: Genuine Pot au Feu!

This essential French dish is not only insanely delicious, it is very easy to make, if somewhat time consuming. Do not bring your malice or malcontent to this recipe. If you make it with love, you will be loved and perhaps worshipped forever by anyone who tastes it. Pot au feu takes two days to make!

You will need:

Meat: I made this with one beef brisket and one oxtail. You gotta have that bone in there for flavor. Veggies: 7 large carrots cut in big pieces, 4 turnips quartered (remove bitter root end), 6 medium potatoes peeled and halved, 5 leeks, halved lengthwise and cut in big pieces, 2 ribs celery cut in half, 2 large onions peeled. Herbs and Spices: 4 cloves garlic, 6 cloves, 4 bay leaves, 10 sprigs fresh parsley, 10 sprigs fresh thyme, 12 black peppercorns, coarse salt, black pepper.

Put meat into a large stockpot and fill with cold water. Bring to almost boiling and reduce heat to simmer. Spoon off scum. Add celery, 1 of the carrots, 1 of the leeks, garlic, thyme, parsley, peppercorns, salt, pepper and bay leaves. Stick the cloves in the onions and put whole into pot.
Simmer for 2.5 hours. Remove meat and let cool on plate. Throw out vegetables and let broth cool. Taste broth and salt to taste! Refrigerate meat and broth overnight in separate containers.
The next day bring broth to a boil and reduce heat. Add meat and remaining vegetables. Simmer for one hour.

To serve: Put a portion of meat in shallow dish. Add generous veggies. Ladle with broth. Eat and die from pleasure. Drink wine with this, fools. And, christ, have some nice crusty bread too.
If you have any questions or concerns about making pot au feu, please feel free to post them! If you make a batch, let us know how it turned out.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Nate Bowler Endorses Al Gore in '08

With the Bush Administration already in its death throes and soon to be a stinking carcass, it can't possibly be too early to begin considering who the democratic nominee for president in 2008 will be. While the field is already crowded with heavyweights such as Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards, it is another big name, one that has not and may not enter the fray, that I am compelled to endorse.
Al Gore, the popular choice for president in 2000, has become such an outspoken advocate for the environment, that I join many citizens who hope that the former vice president will announce his candidacy.
I believe that the deteriorating state of our natural world is the most difficult and urgent challenge that humankind has ever faced. In the wake of George Bush's disastrous tenure-where the energy and logging industries hold sway-a different mold of leader will be needed, one who can transform the world's largest energy consumer into a pioneer of clean energy sources.
While other candidates shy away from an issue that is deemed too leftist (with apologies to the unelectable Dennis Kucinich), Al Gore, fresh off his Oscar win for best documentary, has only further immersed himself in his environmental cause.
George W. Bush's legacy (aside from a tenuous grasp of his native tongue) will be his colossal mistake in Iraq. He will be remembered as the anti-gay president (read: anti-civil rights), the anti-science president, the president who bungled a natural disaster. Most tragically, however, will be his legacy as a president who was, at best, indifferent to a looming environmental catastrophe.
I believe that if Al Gore had been occupying the White House instead of George W. Bush, we would be living in a cleaner and more peaceful world. I believe if he runs and is elected, he will work to make changes that must be made.
If you, too, hope that Al Gore makes a run in 2008, please click this link to sign a petition.
Al Gore in '08!
Nate Bowler
Nate Bowler's views do not necessarily represent those of Jeff Bowler, the NOML or the NIML.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Jean Turns 60

On March 1st NOML mother Jean Bowler celebrated her 60th birthday in high style in Pompano Beach, Florida. With most of her family in attendance, including a surprise appearance by NOML all-star Nate Bowler, it was a week of family, good food and good times. At no time did Jean Bowler appear intoxicated with alcohol or any other mind-altering substances.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Julius Erving

This week we honor Julius "The Doctor" Erving, simply the sweetest player ever to step onto a basketball court anywhere in the history of the universe. A three-time champion who played in six title series, Dr. J amassed over 30,000 points and represented his sport with a level of grace and class that is sorely missing in professional athletes of today. Spectacular without ever showing off or showing up an opponent, Julius Erving redefined professional basketball in stints with the Virginia Squires, the New York Nets and the Philadephia 76ers. View Dr. J's lifetime statistics.