Monday, April 29, 2013

McBone Hero of the Month: May 2013

Bravery = 1 openly gay athlete in 4 major sports.
Because you had the guts to be first, Jason, when you knew there would be reactions of all kinds, many of them savage, base and utterly batshit, you are our hero.

No, you are not a sinner, in spite of what Cleveland-born, Oberlin-educated former Akron Beacon Journal columnist Chris Broussard says.

And yes, it is a big deal.  Ignore those trying to dismiss this as a non-story.  There is a reason it took until 2013, and there is a reason a journeyman center with a 3.6 career scoring average finds himself on the cover of the country's biggest sports magazine.  Even in retirement, only a small handful have come out.  Your career has been a modest one, but you belong in the Hall of Fame.

As for you, Chris Broussard, we officially revoke your credentials as a NE Ohio native and your degree from Oberlin.  You are now a Liberty University grad from Topeka.  You may apply for reinstatement when you can prove that you've come to your senses.


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

McBone at 100K, Welcoming the Newest Member of the McBone Cast and Crew

Last week, to great fanfare, McBone notched its 100,000th hit.  Naturally, there was a tremendous hullabaloo about the whole thing.  Congratulations poured in from all corners, from lands far and wide.  Even South Dakota, who once shunned us, dropped a line to say well done!

And maybe you caught this tweet from my Doppelgänger:

major shout out 2-nite to my twin brother from another mother.  100,000 hits!  #loyalmcboner #denzel #handsomestmanalive

We promised to mark the occasion by inaugurating the newest official member of the McBone Cast and Crew.  Hopeful McBoners have waited over a week for the announcement.  Can you blame them for their impatience?  After all, the C&C is sparsely populated, and it's no small feat getting in.  The fact is, more people have landed on the moon than have entered our hallowed and immortal halls.

We did not take this consideration lightly, but after weeks of deliberations, the answer became clear.

The newest member of our Cast and Crew is Spronk.

Spronk, pictured with the McBonerito and my sometimes-elegant wife.
McBoners have been reading about Spronk's leftover lunch for years now.  The little Pyrex container filled with once-edible leftovers was deposited in our fridge sometime in October of 2010.  With firm instructions that the contents should not disposed of under any circumstances (yet no explanation as to why we were to be their custodians ad infinitum), we left the modest repast to its devices.  Somewhere, in the deepest recesses of our icebox, that Pyrex still sits.  I doubt Spronk has any intentions of reclaiming the vessel at this point, let alone eating the undefinable slurry within, but an order is an order.  I'm not getting rid of it.  I reckon I'll just leave it for the next tenants and let them deal with the consequences of tossing it out.

But there's more to Spronk than a rancid lunch.  Spronk is an intellectual, a geek, a web designer, a fashionista, a photographer and a baker.  Oh, the magical things that happen when Spronk mixes some ordinary ingredients and puts them in the oven. Why, here's a picture of scone she baked earlier today:

I ate the living hell out of that delicious scone.  Oh, and she just happens to make the best goddam pie in Indiana.

More to the point, Spronk has been our very dearest friend since we took up residence at McBone Manor in 2008.  We've shared countless meals and a million laughs.  She suffers through the Oscars with us every single year.  She is the McBonerito's favorite babysitter, and, it bears repeating, she makes the best pie I've tasted since my old gran baked her last.

Mostly though, when we think about Spronk, we think about the glass container with its distended blue lid.

So congratulations, Spronk, the newest star in the McBoniverse.  You deserve it.  We're going to miss you when we go.  Perhaps you can swing by one last time.  And maybe, just maybe, we can persuade you to finally take home that science experiment of a putrefied leftover fucking lunch!

McBone odds and ends at 100,000:

Last week also marked our 30,000th hit originating from a Google search of trough urinals.

To date, not one person has lost their virginity while reading or because of reading McBone.

Former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher logged on to McBone (hit #100,104) seconds before her fatal stroke.