The End of Innocence

Until tonight, I had no beef with any of my sometimes-popular wife's parenting tactics:

Yes, it's shocking. Yes, it's scandalous. But let's be honest for a second: this really is my failing as a dad. My job was to protect him. Instead, I sanctioned this atrocity by agreeing not just to let it happen, but to record the event for posterity.

The boy has a good heart. I'm sure he'll forgive me one day.

Don't know if I can forgive myself.

nwb

Black Keys/ White Menace

The Black Keys.  They're from West Akron.  We're from West Akron.  I'm happy for the guys, and I'm proud of their success.  While it's true I've got a small ongoing beef with one half of the duo, my respect for the Firestone High School grads grew exponentially after reading this, from their recent Rolling Stone cover story:

They had turned down a six-figure opportunity to use a song in a mayonnaise ad the year before.

The passage relates to their struggle to gain financial footing in the early years of their recording career.  As tempting as those dollars must have been, they knew mayonnaise has no place in Rock 'n' Roll.  Cheers to you, lads, for not losing your souls on the way to stardom.

nwb

Michael Boltonnaise

A package was delivered to me at work this past week.  It contained a giant tub of 'extra heavy' mayonnaise decked out with pictures of Michael Bolton.  Also included was a box of bendy straws.  This was clearly a message from our mayonnist ememies, who are coming at us with a full arsenal of all the world's worst stuff.

Let this be my answer: I will not be intimidated and I will not back down.  I enjoy a bendy straw as much as the next guy, but I certainly will not drink from your jug--piping hot off the FedEx truck--of disgusting white sludge.

We categorically reject your preferred condiment and musician.

nwb

The Downside of Playing God

In the aftermath of an experiment gone horribly wrong, my brother-in-law is condemned to wander the aisles of a supermarket chain, perhaps in the hope that some sympathetic customer will spirit him home, unscrew him and spoon his creamy insides into a bowl of canned tuna.

Though the cognitive power of an egg and oil-based brain remains unknown, this attempt to wrest the camera from a curious shopper may be linked to a recollection, however faint, of his former life as a prominent nature photographer:

If you should chance upon him and his one gallon (128 fl. oz.) head, please do not to laugh.  Try not to point and do your best not to stare.  Repulsive he may be, but this sad creature is not unfeeling.  He deserves our pity, and our hearts go out to his family.

With an expiration date reading FEB 14 11, my brother-in-law has but to endure a few months more as part man, part mayonnaise.  Nay, do not refrigerate!, lest you prolong this lonely and emulsified form of torment.

nwb

A Lesson Learned the Hard Way

Let this be a lesson to all of us about what happens when you combine alcohol and overconfidence:

My idiot brother, co-captain of this very blog and sworn enemy of the White Menace, was so confident that the University of Akron would prevail over Ohio University in yesterday's MAC title game that he agreed, while under the influence of gin, to the terms of a bet* with his girlfriend Lauren that would require him to ingest a spoonful of mayonnaise in the event the Zips should lose.

Quite naturally, the Zips lost, and so did Jeff.  Of course the bet is immaterial when you consider what he really lost:

His dignity

His credibility

His soul

His lunch

This scandal has already had widespread implications throughout the McBoniverse.  My brother's commitment to the anti-mayonnaise movement has rightly been called into question.  Some of you have demanded his immediate resignation.  Others want his head on a plate.  I say, let's not be so quick to judge.  Jeff, who has gone into hiding, understands the seriousness of this situation.  He also knows he has the aftermath of his betrayal to clean up.  A long road to redemption lies before him.  The journey begins when a contrite Jeff Bowler steps forward to face his loyal McBoners.

Let it be known that while a significant quantity of mayonnaise did in fact pass his lips, none was swallowed**, as his stomach immediately discharged a payload of 2 pounds of delicious barbecued pork ribs.

I would now like to take this opportunity to congratulate my alma mater for its rousing 81-75 overtime victory and advancement to the NCAA Tournament.  Go Bobcats!

nwb

*Had the Zips won, Lauren would have been required to eat a spoonful of anchovies.

**Alex has opined that this fact renders his punishment null and void and necessitates a redo.  However, because all betting parties were satisfied with the outcome, his debt is considered paid and no further action will be taken.

My Broken Heart

When my beloved sister told me on Facebook the other day how delicious she thought homemade mayonnaise was, and when she said how much she loved making her own mayonnaise and serving it to her husband and children, and when my sister told me that she could barely palate a sandwich anymore without the 'rich and creamy taste of yummy homemade mayonnaise,' I knew at that moment how Michael Corleone must have felt when he discovered that he had been betrayed by his brother Fredo:

That betrayal led to an assassination attempt.  This one hurt just as bad.  While I have no intention of kissing my sister on the lips or exacting a punishment like the one Michael designed for Fredo, I would like to tell her, if she's out there reading, that she broke my heart.

Do you hear me, sister?  You broke my heart!  You broke my heart!!!

nwb

Fifty Ways You Can Accurately Describe Mayonnaise

Legend has it that, moments after signing the Declaration of Independence, Button Gwinnett of Georgia took ill and collapsed. After languishing for three days in agony (though calling all the while for freedom from oppression and a BLT on wheat), Gwinnett succumbed at the young age of 42. Subsequent autopsies revealed that the left ventricle of the statesman's heart was filled nearly two-thirds of the way with mayonnaise.

Two hundred and thirty-three years later, we still we haven't kicked the habit. With the fireworks of July 4th come and gone and so many digestive systems contending with those extra helpings of potato salad, it's time once again to reflect on just how disgusting Mayonnaise is. Tragically, the White Menace remains legal in all fifty states. In protest, here are fifty ways you can describe mayonnaise and other mayonnaise-based products.

1. Gross
2. Disgusting
3. Nauseating
4. Revolting
5. Atrocious
6. Sickening
7. Rank
8. Vomitritious
9. Heinous
10. Vile
11. Abominable
12. Crap-tastic
13. Noxious
14. Offensive
15. Execrable
16. Horrendous
17. Repugnant
18. Unholy
19. Satanic
20. Repulsive
21. Foul
22. Appalling
23. Despicable
24. Contemptible
25. Icky
26. Evil
27. Odious
28. Unappealing
29. Malodorous
30. Nasty as fuck
31. Objectionable
32. Putrescent
33. Reprehensible
34. Depraved
35. Slimy
36. Unappetizing
37. Awful
38. Unclean
39. Toxic
40. Inhumane
41. Greasy
42. Ghastly
43. Grotesque
44. Immoral
45. Sulfurous
46. Unconstitutional
47. Vulgar
48. Base
49. Uncouth
50. Abhorrent

nwb

McBone, AMA Uncover Evil Underground Mayonnaise Ring!

Risking contamination and other long-term health risks, McBone agents last night uncovered an underground mayonnaise ring in Bath, Ohio, an affluent suburb of Akron. Fronting as a popular neighborhood eatery, the mayo dispensary had long been under the vigilant eye of McBone and its subsidiary group, the Anti-Mayonnaise Alliance, which acted upon multiple suspected mayonnaise offenses.

The raid, taking place just after midnight, quickly uncovered myriad violations, including the mishandling and possession of mass quantities of mayonnaise with the intent to sell.

The mayonnaise was stored in 5 gallon drums, each lined with a flimsy plastic membrane. Cursory investigations report that the mayonnaise was in its typically dangerous state of putrefaction and aggressively eating through the insufficient containers. Special, lead-reinforced transportation units carried the mayonnaise to a mayonnaise disposal center, where it was immediately destroyed. While the exact amount confiscated is unknown, it is rumored to be no less than 25 gallons, enough to cause a county-wide environmental catastrophe.

Pictured left: the secret mayonnaise cache.

The eatery, one of the many holdings of Stabbone, ltd., has been closed indefinitely. Proprietor and sinister arch-criminal Stabbone, already implicated in numerous mayonnaise scandals, has been missing since 1967. The McBone prosecution team plans to seek felony charges against his diabolical network of cronies, stooges and henchmen.

Mayonnaise abuse in northern Ohio has been spiking in recent months, and the crackdown on the Bath outlet is seen as a major victory at a time when state officials, parents and activist groups are demanding action.

nwb

McBone Makes a Revolting Discovery!

Mayonnaise. Creamy. Moist. Disgusting.

But where does the White Menace (thank you, Kid Shay, for coining this adept phrase) come from?

France, of course, and if you believe what Wikipedia has to say about the origins of world's worst condiment, you will have, like so many, been deceived. After making a startling discovery, it is my duty to discredit this spurious history.

As many of you know, my sometimes-popular wife and I live in the French city of La Roche-sur-Yon, which translates literally as: The Rock on the Yon River.

Now, the people of La Roche collectively are called the Yonnais. The French language having two genders, and the feminine gender often being declined with an "e" at the end of an adjective, a woman from La Roche is thus called a Yonnaise (see where this is going?). The world ma means "my" when it preceeds a feminine noun and hence the French word mayonnaise can be translated as "my woman from La Roche-sur-Yon."

The creator of mayonnaise was clearly smitten with a Yonnaise woman, and one can only conjecture what kind of woman would inspire such an insipid substance. Such a muse could only have been of the most hideous sort, possessed of a countanance and disposition so grotesque, so heinous and vile that the result was no great culinary masterpiece, but a plague that has for many centuries wreaked havoc on the whole of the civilized world.

I, McBone co-Captain McGraw, was horrified to discover that I live in the birthplace of the great bane. However, I will not let my revulsion overwhelm me. I will not let fear prevail. Rather, I regard this revelation as essential to my undying mission in fighting the White Menace. I have now a critical advantage. I know my enemy and whence it has come, to that place it shall return and perish.

McBone Inc

In less significant news: the field of presidential hopefuls in France has been narrowed to two after today's election. The race now stands between ultra right-wing xenophobe scumbag Nicolas Sarkozy and socialist Ségolène Royal. The over 80% turnout was France's highest since 1965, and puts American voter turnout to shame.