Showing posts with label McBonerito. Show all posts
Showing posts with label McBonerito. Show all posts

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Charmless

I hoped things might change when the McBonerito was born.  The Cleveland sports landscape has been pretty bleak since LeBron gathered up his vast talents and vacated the premises after a 61-win 2009-10 season.  Like any sports fan, I'm superstitious, and I thought maybe, just maybe some new blood would stir things up, reverse karma, recalibrate whatever machinations make some teams winners and other losers.  I've even taught the kid to say 'Go Cavs!', a phrase he's liable to spout a couple dozen times a day.


Here's how we've fared since 11/6/11:

Indians: 68-94

Cavs: 43-91

Browns: 6-17

Total: 117-202

Winning percentage: 36%

Playoff appearances: 0

When it comes to sports, the McBonerito is apparently not a lucky charm.

So, kiddo, this is it.  If the Indians don't have a winning summer, it may be time to talk siblings with your sometimes-pregnant mother.

nwb

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Presenting the McBonerito

My sometimes-popular wife is pregnant no longer. From her bountiful womb has sprung the composite of sperm n' eggs and 2.3 million years of evolution:

13 years in the making.


Official Baby Statistics (McBone certified)

Weight: 8 lb. 4 oz.
Length: 21 in.
Time of birth: 8:43 PM, 11/6/11
Species: Homo sapien
Sex: decidedly

The name William Miguel was not suddenly struck upon.  Years of planning lay behind this moniker:

William: my paternal grandfather, Firestone chemist who made wine, drank martinis, listened to Jelly Roll Morton and was my hero.

Vilhelm: wife's maternal grandfather.  Danish-born engineer, inventor and lover of life.  Immigrated to Venezuela in the 1930s and fell for one of the locals.

Miguel: wife's father, affectionately called 'Michael' by his family.

Michael: my father, affectionately called 'Miguel' by his father.

The plan was an all-natural, surgery-free birth.  Nine months of preparations brought her fully contracting to our beautiful birthing suite at the new Clarian hospital in Lafayette.  The birthing pool awaited us, as did our midwife.  Grandparents were on hand.  So was Doula.  We were ready.

All was going as scripted, until she stepped into the pool and the time came to push.  Though she pushed with all her might, the kid would simply not come through the chute. The midwife determined that he was turned the wrong way, and a sliver of cervix would not dilate.

Measures were taken: different birthing positions.  Pitocin to ramp up the contractions and get the kid turned.  A last resort epidural to prolong things, soften the pain, loosen things up.  The kid, stubborn in the way his mother can be stubborn, would not budge.  And why should he?  His mom had been so good to him in pregnancy, singing songs in Spanish and setting modern day records for ingestion:

Milk: 50,000 gallons
Orange juice: 40,000 gallons
Protein: 5 billion grams
Calcium: Enough for 100 baby skeletons

Through it all, our parents kept us calm.  Doula was there to spell me, keep us hydrated, whatever we needed.  My father-in-law, the doctor, was invaluable when things got confusing and scary.  No matter what happened, he kept reminding us that the kid's heart was beating and strong.

And when, after 16 hours of labor, after attempting to birth this kid in every possible way, after enduring contraction after crippling contraction, after finally reconciling herself to the operating table and the C-section she wanted so badly not to have, when after all of this she looked up at me and said 'I'm sorry,' as if this decision represented some kind of failure on her part, that was the moment my heart was atomized, sucked into the hospital's ventilation system and scattered irretrievably in a billion particles. I must endeavor to grow a new heart worthy of this incredible woman.

She was wheeled to the OR and I outfitted with disposable scrubs.  When the time finally came, I peeked over the curtain separating me and her head from the proceedings down below.  There can be no more surreal a sight than a physician's arms deep in my wife's abdomen, groping for an unborn child.

And there is no surge of euphoria comparable to seeing a head emerge from the womb, cough up some goo and unleash that first phlegmatic howl.  Here are some early visual impressions that have stuck with me:

purple
mushy
wrinkled
squirming
coneheaded
confused
Edward G. Robinson

He cried as technicians cleaned him up, but he calmed when I said his name.  Perhaps he knew my voice from those daily, post dinner conversations we had.

My wife was sewn up and handed her child.  He took at once to the breast, feeding as greedily as he had a right to.

Mmm...colostrum!

William Miguel is one week old today.  To this blinded parent, he is, of course, handsome, brilliant, and defect-free.


Though this is by no means a baby blog, you haven't seen the last of the McBonerito.

Photos next.

nwb

Monday, October 31, 2011

On Pins and Needles

On this Halloween night an omen presented itself, as omens will, in sudden and mysterious fashion.

In anticipation of the birth of our son, the McBonerito's four grandparents are gathered in one house for the first time since our wedding day, 11 years ago.  The due date looms tomorrow, but dates and predictions don't mean much to the little guy in utero.  So we wait.  And while we wait, we feast.  My father, in a desperate search for a lemon to garnish his happy hour martini, removed entirely one of the bottom drawers of the refrigerator.  Unable to replace the drawer, he left the task to me.  What I found upon opening the door would shock me:



Frequent McBoners may remember posts of yore, when an equally frantic search for coffee earned me a similar reward.

Bear in mind that in preparation for the arrival of guests, I had scoured that fridge--every shelf and tray removed, cleaned and replaced.  Not a speck of anything foreign could be found.

What can it mean, then, this SECOND pearl-headed refrigerator pin?  A portend of things to come?  A puckish spirit run amok of our sewing kit?  Nay!  We own no such pins.  My sometimes-popular wife, ever the optimist, embraced the message as positive, of course, and ordered the pin placed in the child's room.


I, the atheist, am shook at the foundations.  Once more I must question what I believe.  I turn to you, gentle McBoners, in my search for meaning, of pins in fridges, of life, of the universe and its all mad workings.

nwb

Friday, June 17, 2011

Not a Baby Blog

Just thought some of you might be interested in a good look at a fetal spine and a heart pump, pump, pumping away at 140 beats/minute, or roughly half as fast as Dad's was racing after today's 0.7 mile run (with a gut full of hamburger, fries and beer).



nwb