Mr Chicken 2010-2012

Tonight we bid a fond farewell to our favorite fish, Mr. Chicken, whose ashen corpse was discovered on the bottom of our 29-gallon freshwater tank earlier this evening.

From the beginning, Mr. Chicken was a cantankerous fish, bridging no rival for food or turf, but his special brand of gritty determinism would grow on us before long.  I don't know if he led a particularly happy life, or if he had any hopes or dreams beyond the panes of his transparent cage.  I'm not even sure what kind of fish he was, but I do know this: Mr. Chicken was a survivor.  I could recount a dozen tales of his toughness, but one that stands out is a tank cleaning in the winter of '11.  On that January day, our bottom feeder slipped into the kitchen sink, through the mouth of the drain and into the teeth of the garbage disposal--mercifully disengaged.  For a hectic five minutes, Mr. Chicken flopped while my desperate but inept fingers attempted to rescue him from a slow and torturous death.  Only when he came to rest, on the verge of asphyxiation, was I able pluck him from oblivion and spirit him, gills swollen, to the more hospitable confines of recycled, oxygenated water.  He was shaken but alive, and an unspoken bond was forged between us.  We were no longer master and pet.  We were brothers.  From that moment on, we knew: I had his back, and he had mine.  Alas that I could not save him once more.

Aside from danger, Mr. Chicken enjoyed nestling into the holes in his favorite driftwood and devouring the funny-smelling flakes that occasionally rained down on his habitat.

Mr. Chicken was preceded in death by his spouse, Mrs. Chicken (née McDougald).  He leaves behind no known progeny.

A brief memorial was held toilet-side with friends and family gathered.

nwb

A Defense of Mormonism from an Atheist's Perspective

Mitt Romney accepted the nomination for Republican candidate for the presidency tonight.  He is the first Mormon to reach such high heights in the history of US politics.

There is no chance I will vote Romney in November, but I do take exception when his critics, particularly some of the more outspoken Christian leaders, refer to his religion as a cult.

From an atheist's point of view, a Mormon is no more cultish than a Roman Catholic.  Or a Baptist.  Or a Presbyterian.  Or a Jew.  Or a Muslim.  Or a Scientologist.  Or a Branch Davidian.  Honestly, is the Book of Mormon really that far fetched?  What's another testament or two when you've already bought into the virgin birth?  I know many of these denominations have the benefit time on their side, but they all seem equally made up to me.

So believe what you like and I'll believe what I like and we'll all let Romney believe what he likes, because that's how it's supposed to go around here, isn't it?

nwb

Five Years, Ode To LC

Life is a crazy journey and if my first 30 years are any indication of what the next 30 will be like, well then, I am going to look back at age 60 and be able to say I've been a very lucky man. I have an incredible family, amazing friends and a career that I love. 

But reflection is very important to me and I believe very strongly in the saying that you can't know where you are going unless you know where you've been.  I am going to try and make this post short and sweet (not likely with my track record), but most importantly I hope I can articulate clearly some things I want Lauren to know.

I met Lauren Fairchild in April of 2007 as I was starting my career with the Cavaliers organizatrion. We actually started dating about two months after my first day and living together not too long after that.  It took me about 10 minutes to realize what type of person Lauren is, and not too much longer to fall in love with her. Now here we are more than five years later, and we've decided that we need to continue life's journey separately, on different paths.  However, that is not what this post is really about.

Lauren just in case I never said these things enough, or at all for that matter, here you go:

1.) You are a beautiful person both inside and out.  Pretty simple here.  Don't let anyone ever tell you different.  And if they do, give me a call and I'll take care of it.

2.) Forget being one of the most talented women I have ever met, you are one of the most talented people I have ever met.  Lauren you have accomplished amazing things already and you can do whatever you set your mind too.  Athletically you were an amazing gymnist, now you are running marathons, teaching health and fitness classes, and helping so many people live healthier lives. Professionally you achieved tremendous success in a male dominated sports industry and could just as easily still be flourshing working for us or any other team.  Instead you completely changed directions and will undoubtedly now dominate the financial sector.  There are not many people that I know who would even have the guts to do what you did, let alone be talented enough to have success in two completely different professions. Regardless, wherever and whenever you find your true professional passion I know that you will be a superstar.  Hint Hint: Open your own gym and be a full time fitness professional!!

3.) There are not too many people as competitive, driven, stubborn, and bull-headed as I am. But I met my match with you.  One of the many things that I really love about you.

4.) You are one of the most unselfish, put together, organized, and practical people I have ever met.  You truly changed the man I was and the man I will always be as I move forward in my life.  I am a total work in progress but there are things that I will never be able to repay you for teaching me.  I can't list them all, because this is supposed to be short and sweet, but you know what they are.  So thank you.

5.) HOME - We built a home together (with some initial help from Kalister of course) that is full of so many amazing memories, some nasty ones too, arguments, incredible parties, and a place that has always been a welcome place for the people we care about the most.  We lived, worked and played in one of the most amazing cities in the world.

Last but not least....

6.) Love, Respect, Family.  Love -  I will always love you, unconditionally.  Respect - I will always have a deep and profound respect for you as a person and what our relationship has meant to me.  FAMILY - No matter where we are in our lives you will ALWAYS be my family.  FOR LIFE.

Fairch - I know I am a handful and I'm well aware that I didn't always make it easy.  But the last five years have helped shape who I am as an adult, and I wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world.

LIFE IS ABOUT LOVE!  Onward and Upward.

jab

Toasting Twelve Years

Twelve years, one woman.  Remarkable, right?  I agree, and in the days leading up to the big date, it occurred to me that a cool dozen necessitated a really hot gift.  When I mentioned that a week in Monte Carlo might be just the thing, my sometimes-logical wife suggested that the casinos would probably be off limits to the McBonerito.  My lament that this kid was 'cramping our style' was largely ignored, though, and I resigned myself to the idea that the anniversary present would have to be smaller, perhaps something that could be boxed and wrapped.  But what to give the woman who has everything?

It was at breakfast that it hit me.  As my wife worked over the whites of a pair of fried eggs, she was faced with the weekly conundrum of what to do with the yolks.  With no efficient way of consuming the messy yellow blobs, she had adopted several clever ways of disposing of them.  But our dealer in aquaria recommended she cease plopping them in the fish tank, and our house plants, instead of thriving from the boost in omega 3 fatty acids, died slow, torturous deaths.  Cooking the yoke through was no kind of option, and yet how to sop up that pool of goo?  We needed something spongelike, and yet not quite a sponge.

Suddenly, like 1,800 watts of electricity, it hit me.  I hopped into the McBonemobile and was soon prowling the aisles of our local appliance store.  I spotted the silvery R-7 right off.  Like a muscle car of old, it sat there, a vigorous, latent thing.

The circling shark of a salesman smelled blood.

That's the model I'd choose, he said.  I caught him sizing me up.  Perhaps he was appraising my skinny frame when he said, of course, a machine like that isn't for everyone.

This happens to be for my wife.  Anniversary present.

The portly gent exhaled a fume of pastrami and mustard.  Probably too much toaster for a woman, he chuckled.

Five minutes later he was loading the R-7 into the McBonemobile.  The next morning, my sometimes-observant wife found the device sitting on the counter.  After calming her tearful euphoria, we started toasting some toast.  Six-slice capacity, stainless steel chassis, 'top brown' setting...truly, this toaster had it all.

I fired up the skilled and gave the shells a good crack.

How do you want your eggs, my dear?

Runny, she purred.

Happy anniversary, babe.

nwb

Paths of the Damned

As promised, my moustache stopped by for a visit tonight.  He was weary from travel and thirsty as hell.  I poured him a double bourbon to cut the dust and we set straight to catching up.  He told me of the paths he's trod and the towns he's seen.  Seems like there was a lady or two along the way and a couple of hard knocks, too.  I could hardly blame him for nodding off for an hour, just long enough for me to whip up some biscuits and gravy--his favorite.  Well, we ate and talked and even chomped on a cigar for the better part of the night, and then, all of a sudden, it was time for him to go.  My moustache never lingers long in one place.  I asked if maybe he'd like to spend a couple days, get to know the McBonerito, but he just handed me his flask to fill and shook his head.  'Not my style,' he said, and, with a tip of the hat and a wink, he was gone.

Friends, as you travel the highways and byways, remember me to my moustache.  He'll be the lonesome drifter you see, collar turned against the rain, wandering the endless roads to nowhere.

nwb

Black Keys/ White Menace

The Black Keys.  They're from West Akron.  We're from West Akron.  I'm happy for the guys, and I'm proud of their success.  While it's true I've got a small ongoing beef with one half of the duo, my respect for the Firestone High School grads grew exponentially after reading this, from their recent Rolling Stone cover story:

They had turned down a six-figure opportunity to use a song in a mayonnaise ad the year before.

The passage relates to their struggle to gain financial footing in the early years of their recording career.  As tempting as those dollars must have been, they knew mayonnaise has no place in Rock 'n' Roll.  Cheers to you, lads, for not losing your souls on the way to stardom.

nwb

Gettin' it Back

I've never claimed to have deep reserves of that mysterious, mystical force called 'mojo.'  First of all, I'm about as white a white boy as you will find.  OK, maybe not Young Republican white, but I'm pretty goddam white, so that's one factor against me.  Also, I don't play guitar.  Unless your instrument is the triangle or you happen to be this guy, musicians generally have mojo to spare.

At one time, though, I did have a modicum of mojo.  You may counter that there is no such thing as 'blogger mojo,' but I disagree.  I have fun with this medium, and I daresay that Stabbone and McGraw has been better than the average blog (read: didn't quit writing it after 2 posts) since my idiot brother and I started this business back in 2007 with nothing but a dream, two laptops and a sizable grant from the NEA.  For five years McBone has kept my juices flowing.  You, gentle McBoners, have patiently indulged me.

Lately, though, you can hear the crickets chirp.  While it's true that I:

a) have a kid now,

and

b) have two jobs now (surprise, coworkers!),

I cannot say that those are the only reasons why my work here has declined in quantity and quality.  Yes, time is in short supply, but these days just beginning a post seems a monumental task.  I'm not lacking in ideas, really, just steam.

I'm not given to depression, but this is depressing the hell out of me.

I could stop fretting and call it a day, I suppose.  After all, it's just a blog.  Roughly 0 people would notice if I up and quit.  But I don't want to stop writing this thing, and anyway that wouldn't help.  I need an outlet, so instead of bitching about the McBone's decline and fall, I'm going to try and find some energy.  I won't get back to 10-15 posts a month anytime soon, but what I can do is write a little every day.  I'd be fine with that.

So there you have it.  We're making a comeback of sorts.  Rising from the ashes.  I don't know how this initiative will affect my output, but 15-20 minutes a day of creative exercise will do wonders for my mental well being.

As ever, we remain committed to:

Cleveland sports
Liberal politics
Martinis
Moustaches
The eradication of mayonnaise

I will close by saying I regret my previous comment regarding triangle players and humbly withdraw it.  Triangle players have crazy mojo.

You still suck, Kenny G.

nwb

The Trials and Tribulations of a Cavaliers Fan....

Today, Sunday, June 24th brings with it a brand new reality for Cleveland Cavalier fans and the people of Northeast Ohio.  Our former hero and sports "savior" has now won an NBA championship for the Miami Heat.  Crazy right? The guy we thought would finally take one of our teams to the promise land instead left his hometown to take his talents to South Beach. The city of Cleveland has more die hard sports fans living in any given apartment complex downtown than Miami has in 300 square miles surrounding the city.  The last nine years and our journey with Lebron still almost seem surreal.  I can't even begin to imagine all the different emotions and feelings running through the hearts and minds of Clevelanders the last couple days.  There are a lot of opinions I'm hearing that I don't agree with, but I would never be obtuse enough to think that everyone is going to react the same way. We are all entitled to express our opinions however the hell we want, especially based on what has transpired the last couple years.  But today I need to make sure that I at least have the opportunity to put down in writing the way that I feel.

I've thought about it for the last two years how I would react when Lebron won a title for another team, for another city.  As I, like many, knew that it was inevitable. There is no question that my feelings have changed as each month passed after "The Decision".  Sometimes you are so blinded by anger, frustration and the feeling of abandonment that you can't clearly express your emotions. That was certainly the case for me anyway.  I think about how my dad and brother are feeling; both having lived through more years of Cleveland frustration than I, and what this means for them.  In Nate's case I am fairly certain that there is still not an ounce of him that does not want to knock Lebron on his ass, and I'm sure that he woke up on Friday morning with a sick feeling in his stomach.  My dad, on the other hand, I believe has secretly taken solace in watching Lebron perform at the level he did, and finally winning a title.  One thing is for certain, despite the performance of LBJ, all three of us are completely disgusted that the Miami Heat as a team have won another title, and the Cavaliers are once again still searching for the answers.

For me personally it is very difficult to put into words the way that I feel at this moment, and really what the last nine years of this saga have meant.  It started with Lebron coming to Cleveland and bringing an excitement to the Wine and Gold that will probably not be replicated again until we win a title, if ever. From the 03-04 season to the 10-11 season the Cavaliers gave me the best seven years of my life as a Cleveland sports fan.  The Q was packed every single night with 20,562 screaming fans creating the best home court advantage in the NBA. We built a team that was eventually rolling over the competition consistently during the regular season.  Downtown and the buzz around the Cavaliers was so electric that it became difficult to think about anything else.  You couldn't miss a game, and when they had off days you wished they were playing. The offseason seemed like it lasted for a year. All I wanted to do was watch Cavaliers basketball.  It was so special to be a part of and to see the people of Cleveland able to take so much pride in one of our sports teams.  Some of the best memories of my life with my friends and family are a direct result of those seven years.  It was an incredible journey that I will never forget.

Professionally I started my career with the Cavaliers organization in 2007, just as we were laying the foundation as the preeminent force in the Eastern conference.  The team's success was a huge contributing factor to the birth of the Lake Erie Monsters and professional hockey returning to downtown Cleveland.  I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge that Lebron had a direct impact on my life and my ability to achieve my professional goals.  Would the Monsters even be here?  Probably not because Dan Gilbert would have never purchased the Cavs.  The Cavaliers, in fact, probably would no longer be in Cleveland, but that is an entirely separate discussion.  Our business flourished in those years and my opportunities to advance were in part due to that success.  Don't get me wrong, I would have been successful no matter where my career path had taken me, but I was getting to do it all in the city that I loved.  I am fulfilling my lifelong professional goals in Cleveland, the city that I have always dreamed that I would live and work. 

My friends will point directly to my very clear bias for Cleveland, and especially the Cavaliers; but I always believed very strongly that Lebron was going to be the greatest player in history.  His skill set is one that has never been seen before in the NBA and may never again.  Certainly there may be players that come along that will be in the "greatest of all time" conversations, but I don't think there will ever be another player that is able to do what he does on a basketball court.  I was also always optimistic that he would be here for his entire career. My optimism, admittedly, has been misguided at times.  Until the very seconds before the Chosen One announced to the world that he was leaving, I still believed with all of my heart that he would stay.  I wanted so badly for it to be true that I simply ignored the writing on the walls.  It was a blow like nothing I have ever experienced in my life as a sports fan, but despite all of that I was still quietly hoping Lebron would play well throughout the 2012 playoffs....

Surprised?  I would venture to say that is probably not the most common or popular stance from Clevelanders. For years I defended LBJ against the critics who first said they he wasn't a good shooter, than they said he wasn't a great defender, than he wasn't a so called "clutch" player.  The list was endless of people who made a living analyzing Lebron's game, and trying to find any semblance of a weakness.  Never before in my lifetime has a superstar been under the microscope like he has been.  God forbid someone actually become a better player than Michael Jordan.  So yes, he left Cleveland, but how could I then so hypocritically flip to the other side and criticize him for the exact same things I so passionately argued against?  That answer is simple, I couldn't.  It drove me crazy to hear the same people who cheered him on with every fiber of their being now calling LBJ "LeBum" or "LeChoke".  What a complete joke. The fact of the matter is Lebron can shoot, he can pass, he can rebound, he is (and always has been) a clutch player, he is the best defender in the NBA, and he is probably the most unselfish superstar I have ever seen in any sport.  He did all of that here, and he just continued to do those same things in Miami.  He has improved every year since he became a pro.  Undeniably. 

I can't stand the Miami Heat.  I hate the Oklahoma City Thunder.  I had absolutely no vested interest in who won this NBA title, because the Cavaliers were not competing for it.  It was a lose lose situation as it always is if my team is not competing in the championship.  However, the notion that Clevelanders were adopting the opposing teams playing Lebron in the finals just to spite him made me sick to my stomach.  Not because they were cheering against him specifically, but because they were actually passionately supporting another team.  I was shocked to walk into bars and hear roars from the patrons as if they were watching the Wine and Gold playing for the Larry O'Brien trophy.  The "Mavaliers" and "OKCLE" slogans in my eyes are a complete embarrassment.  I will never understand how any self respecting Cleveland fan could put on a shirt in OKC colors and with those stupid tag lines.  I can wrap my head around rooting against Lebron, but not for another team altogether.  I am still mad at Lebron for the way he left, and at the NBA for allowing "The Team-Up" to happen.  In my mind, however, he did what many others would have done.  He went to play with two of his friends who just happened to be two of the best players in the NBA, and did it legitimately under the NBA rules, (which by the way have since been changed to prevent this).  Unfortunately he broke the hearts of his hometown, in which I will never fully forgive him for, but I blame the NBA just as much for creating a system where this was possible.

I suppose none of that is really the point.  The point is that despite everything, during these playoffs I found myself hoping that Lebron's jump shots would go in, and that his passes would be finished by his teammates.  I honestly tried not to but it became sickening to hear the constant misplaced criticism. I was so unwaveringly certain that Lebron could and can do anything that he wants on a basketball court. Selfishly I wanted him to prove to the world what I had always thought about him. It was only a matter of time before he won an NBA title, and now he has.  Unfortunately it had to be in Miami when I am equally as certain he could have done it here. He is a freak of nature and I'm fortunate to have watched one of the best of all time play for my team for seven amazing years.  Of course I wish it would have been more, but it wasn't.  That ship has sailed.

I have one more thought before my "move on" statement because there is something else that has driven me crazy. All of the people that have just been sitting and waiting to send a message to Dan Gilbert.  It just seems sad that for two years there are people that just couldn't wait to send him a tweet saying, "Hey Dan, how did winning a title before Lebron work out?"  Dan Gilbert sent a message to the world in an impassioned moment showing how much he cared about the Cavaliers and the city of Cleveland.  None of us can even begin to comprehend what he was going through as that moment.  DG was the principle owner of a franchise that  he had invested millions of his own dollars to try and bring this city what it wants most in this world.  At that moment that goal took an enormous step backward, and it happened in a unimaginable way.  Was it worth it? What satisfaction did it give you to throw something back in his face that he said under unbelievable personal and professional adversity?  The amazing part is that many of these people were from Cleveland!  What the hell?!? As if we wouldn't all be screwed if people recorded the things we said under similar circumstances and threw them back in our faces. Anyway Dan, I've said it before, but I'll say it again.  I am very proud to work for a man that is as invested and passionate about downtown Cleveland as many who were born here.  I am even more excited to have someone in our city that is not afraid to lay it all on the line and who wears his heart on his sleeve.  All in the interest of helping this amazing city reach its potential.  Thank you.

The reality is Lebron is a champion and there is nothing any of us can to do to change that.  He had one of the greatest sustained playoff performances in history from round one through the NBA Finals.  He carried yet another team on his back.  My hope for Clevelanders is that they can see what the best part is of all that has transpired. IT DOESN'T FREAKING MATTER. There is absolutely not one thing about any of this that has any relevance whatsoever to the Cleveland Cavaliers. Lebron plays for the Miami Heat now.  Until we play them in the playoffs it has absolutely no significance to us as Cavalier fans.  There are so many amazing things happening right here, right now in our city and I'm not just talking about our sports teams.  Why in the world would we continue to expend so much energy hating when there is so much to be excited for here.  We are going to win a championship.  We are and it will be very soon.  I am not asking anyone to stop hating LBJ, as everyone is entitled to feel and react however they would like. I'm also realistic and I know that people will continue to go out of there way to criticize him. All I am asking is to reinvest some of that energy into the incredible things happening right in front of your eyes.  And to be prepared to one day ask yourself a question.  With all of the hatred, all of the bashing, if Lebron does in fact decide to come back to Cleveland one day, will you love him as you once did?

Because if he does play for this team again it will mean not one, not two, not three..........

jab