Thursday, January 17, 2008

The McBone Mailbag

As you can imagine, we get quite a lot of mail here at McBone Headquarters, and our tireless team of unpaid child laborers works around the clock in the mailroom, making sure that each and every letter gets the careful treatment it deserves. More often than not, letters arrive from advice seekers, and why not? McBone's uniquely atheistic, anti-mayonnaise viewpoint is right in line with the international mainstream.

Naturally we can't publish every letter we receive, but in an effort to appeal to our wide-ranging audience, and to spread around a little of that good old-fashioned McBone wisdom, we have decided to select a choice few that merit special attention.

So, without wasting any more time, let's get to those letters!

Dear McBone,

I can't seem to get enough of McBone. I spend 17 hours a day reading and re-reading your fascinating articles, and, to make matters worse, I think I have a crush on Jeff Bowler. I find myself giggling like a little schoolgirl every time I log on. My wife and children have forsaken me. My friends too. Is there anything I can do to curb my obsession?

Sincerely yours,

Addicted in Albuquerque

Dear Addicted,



Dear McB,

I am a registered democrat, but I admit myself intrigued by the fresh-faced vigor of Fred Thompson. His Nixonian countenance could really be the face of a nation in need of new ideas.

I also loved him in that one movie. You know, the one with that other guy, what's-his-name?

Any thoughts?

Myrtle F. Grimes, Miami, FL

Dear Myrtle,

Though Thompson's late entry into the race no doubt pumped serious life into the Party of the Living Dead, don't be fooled. He is GOP through and through--a global warming skeptic and an ardent advocate of the Iraq invasion. He therefore cannot and never will receive the McBone Seal of Approval. Never. Ever. No.

Oh, he was pretty good in that one other movie, too, where he played a governor or a senator or a CIA chief or something.


Dear McBone,

I just recently got back into the "dating scene" and I'm more than a little nervous. Have times changed since I was in high school? I don't know what these "modern women" want. Take this story:

I met a lady on one of those ubiquitous online dating sites and we arranged a date. I picked her up at her place. We seemed to "click" right away. We both follow the local soccer team, have similar tastes in movies, and like Dave Matthews Band. So far, so good!

That is, until we got to the restaurant. I let the lady order first. What a shock! Her meal was to be drowned in mayonnaise! Her sandwich was smothered in it, the potato salad swimming in it, and she even asked for extra mayo to pour on the french fries we ordered together.

What should I do, McBone? She seemed so perfect for me except for her love of mayo. Should I keep seeing her and try to ignore my disgust, or is this relationship doomed from the start?

Man Afraid of Yucky Non-Organic Treachery


First off: Did you, at any time during the date, consume mayonnaise? Did you inhale mayonnaise fumes? Did your skin come into contact with mayonnaise, no matter how little? Remember, even a good-night kiss, though innocent, can result in a dangerous exchange of saliva.

If so, do not panic. Help is available. Call our 24 hour mayonnaise hotline to arrange a detox. A mayonnaise officer will be dispatched promptly to your home. You will then be driven to your local mayonnaise control center and given the care you require. Remember, many people manage to lead perfectly normal lives, even those suffering the severest cases of mayonnaise contamination.

Now, regarding the dame: flush her immediately. Change your phone number, the locks on your doors, and, if possible, your name.