Forget Terrorism and Focus on the Real Threat!

WMDs, Orange Alerts, Duct Tape, Homeland Security, preemptive attacks, Iraq-Al Quada, yellowcake uranium, "the world changed after 9/11," and so on. Is it just me, or does this administration come off as the slickest, slimiest type of used car salesman? I mean, how did they do it? How did they convice the vast ocean of red that is heartland America that it was time to batten down the hatches? Protect your family! they warned. An attack is imminent. Stock up on supplies: bottled water and, that true saver of lives, rolls of plastic sheeting.

Don't get me wrong. I had front row seats to the deadliest attack in U.S. history, so I'm not dismissing terrorism. I'm simply suggesting there is a far greater problem out there, and with this one the States can't take the typical, worn out "us vs. the world" attitude that has so endeared us to our international neighbors.

You guessed it: I'm talkin' global climate change. It's real and the United States, responsible for 25% of the world's total carbon emissions, is Public Enemy No. 1. Yes, there are still doubters and denyers out there, though this is a shrinking minority, and, yes, the auto and energy industries continue paying our politicians to ignore the problem, but pretty much anyone with a grain of sense would be disturbed by the city-sized sheets of ice that are regularly sliding off our polar caps.

Now, there are a lot of reasons why George W. Bush is a complete motherfucker, many of which have already been highlighted by McBone, but his assault on our natural world is perhaps the most heinous act of evil since taking office in 2000. And his wrongdoing goes far beyond his refusal to acknowledge climate change. He has actively sought to roll back environmental protections that have been in place since the 70s! So how is any of this going to change? Everyone knows he is in bed with the energy industry, that he is an oil man himself. Nothing is going to change until he is out of office.

Fortunatly there are activists working to reverse trends that make us fight immoral wars and keep us pumping poison into the air. Some of the more obscure names include:

Former Vice President Al Gore. Since having the election stolen from him, the world's biggest environmental superstar (I will refrain from calling him the Michael Jackson of global warming) has been working ceaselessly to raise awareness of climate change, and that is exactly what is happening. His film, An Inconvenient Truth, has transformed a somewhat abstract threat into award-winning pop culture. This is no whim for Gore. He has been working to curb greenhouse gas emissions since the 1970s!

Former President Bill Clinton. The ex-pres has jumped on the bandwagon, leading a movement to make buildings in the world's largest cities more energy efficient. Yes, he could have done more as president, a lot more, but better late than never (sorry Bill, still not voting for Hillary in the primary).

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg. The leader of Americas biggest big city (and the city that was attacked by terrorists, incidentally) is making sweeping transportation changes to make New York greener. The city's fleet of gas-guzzling taxis will be replaced within five years by hybrid vehicles. By the way, Bloomberg is a billionaire republican, if you're still thinking that environmentalists all smell like patchouli.

Environmental catastrophe is a real threat, and denouncing and dismissing activists is not going to make it go away. This problem is a cancer that threatens every life (and not just human life) on the planet in a way that makes terrorism seem like a bad rash by comparison. Fortunately, it is a challenge that can be a true galvanizing force. By taking the lead in curbing greenhouse emissions, the U.S. can go a long way in repairing its international reputation.

So, what can we do as individuals? Start by supporting a candidate who is committed to this issue (run, Al, run!). Let's get these negligent, oilmongering bastards out of office and get to work. Then, spend some time on the climatecrisis website. Find out how much carbon your household produces per year and how to reduce your own carbon footprint. The site also provides easy ways to add your voice to the issue.

The Sun Has Come Out!

The sun came up early Sunday morning New York--3:00 AM to be exact. McBone would like to welcome the latest member of the McBone community, Isla Sun Bowler Tunick, to life outside the womb. After nine long, agonizing, excruciating months of unimaginable pain, otherwise known as pregnancy, McBone sister Krystl, without the use of painkillers, jettisoned her eight pound load into the world, where she was received by big sister Seda Moon, daddy Spencer, grandmothers Jean and Patty, and grandpa Mike. Now safely home, Isla is reportedly sleeping between periodic milk binges. By all accounts she is healthy and defect-free.

Official baby statistics (McBone certified) as compared to the actual sun:

Isla Sun

Length: 22 in.

Weight: 8 lb. 1 oz.

Actual sun

Diameter: 865,000 mi.

Weight: 4,400,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 lb.

Isla, your uncle Nate would like you to know that, while I love you unconditionally, respect must be earned, and it could be decades before I ever come to really trust you. However, considering that you lack the ability to talk or walk or even hold your head up, I am willing to give you a free pass until the age of three. Just remember, as of now you've got absolutely no street cred.

No, for real though, Isla, you know I'm just jiving you. I love you like crazy, even from way over here in France. Sure hope I can meet you soon, baby girl!

Nate Bowler's Eastern Conference Finals Preview!

Right, then. The Cavs have done exactly as they were supposed to, and if you check back, they did exactly as I predicted in beating the Nets four games to two (McBone knows basketball). So now we are treated to a serious postseason series in the east, a rematch of last year's second round, when the Pistons squeaked by the Cavs in seven.

This year you can expect more of the same: a lot of close, low-scoring, grind it out games from two defense-first teams. If you are a real basketball fan, you know this is the kind of b-ball that gets you deep into the playoffs. Unfortunately, I think the Piston's more sophisticated offense is going to be the difference maker here, and my official prediction is Pistons in seven games. However, I would like to point out that I think the Cavs, who have the best player on the floor in LeBron James, could prove me and many of the experts at ESPN wrong. Remember, the Pistons won only three more games than the Cavs this season. Naturally the home court advantage in a series like this is a big factor, just as it was last year, when the Cavs were stuffed in Detroit after frittering away game six in Cleveland.

Keys to the Cavs winning this series: obviously they need to maintain their defensive intensity. This shouldn't be difficult, with the Cavs are playing perhaps the best defense in the history of the franchise. Still, the Pistons have many more weapons than the Nets, so the Cavs have their work cut out for them. On offense, the Cavs need more of what we saw in game six of the semi-finals. More passing, more lineup changes, and more of LeBron attacking the defense. Look for Larry Hughes to be more aggressive too, or else you can expect to see more of Daniel Gibson and Damon Jones, who can at least stroke the jumpers that Hughes has been clanging. Overall, more Cavaliers getting touches will keep the Pistons honest.

Cavs X-factor 1: Age. The Pistons have a lot of dinosaurs on this team, lot of creaky knees slowing them down, especially in the frontcourt. It was a huge factor last year in the ECFs against Miami, when Detroit has nothing left in the tank after the semis.

Cavs X-factor 2: No Ben Wallace. Chris Webber is infinitely softer on D than Wallace was, which should make things easier for Z in terms of hitting the offensive glass and scoring.

Player by player analysis:

PG: Larry Hughes vs. Chauncey Billups. Last year the Cavs did a good job exposing Billups' weakness: driving to the hoop. Larry can't give him any seams to shoot his clutch jumper. On defense, Larry can't let Billups off the hook by taking and missing a lot of jumpers. Take him off the dribble! Advantage: Billups.

SG: Sasha Pavlovic vs. Richard Hamilton. Sasha is going to get a real test here, a much bigger test than Vince Carter was. Hamilton is constant motion and is one of the craftiest scorers in the league. Sasha needs to keep his eye on him at all times. Advantage: Hamilton.

SF: LeBron James vs. Tayshaun Prince. Tayshaun has been one of the more successful players in the league at guarding LeBron, although LeBron seems to have solved him in more recent times. LeBron must again be aware of all the help defense he is going to be seeing. If he stays intense, Prince will not be a scoring threat. Advantage: LeBron.

PF: Drew Gooden vs. Rasheed Wallace. Drew needs to keep Wallace from killing the Cavs with three pointers, as he has done so many times before. Be active and aggressive on the boards and try to get Wallace into foul trouble, or better, technical foul trouble. If Gooden uses his energy, he can take advantage of Wallace's age. Advantage: even.

C: Zydrunas Ilgauskas vs. Chris Webber. This matchup could be Cavs' ace in the hole. Webber's career is one playoff meltdown after another. At this point Z is the better scorer and rebounder, though Webber's true strength is his passing. Advantage: even.

Bench: Cavs have the true 6th man of the year in Anderson Varejao. Pistons counter with Antonio McDyess, who has killed the Cavs. Cavs shooters include the three "Ds" Daniel Gibson, Damon Jones and Donyell Marshall, all of whom can get hot at any time. Pistons have only the ancient Lindsey Hunter to bomb off the bench. Otherwise, Carlos Delfino and Ronald Murray are the only other non-starters getting more than 10 MPG in the playoffs. This bench, also featuring Dale Davis is old and unimpressive. On the other hand, look for Eric Snow to really ground the Cavs' offense at times. Advantage: Cavs.

Coach: Mike Brown has had a lot of early success, and this series will be the biggest one yet. Has a team of scorers convinced they should play defense first. He must prove he can improvise on offense as he did in game 6 against New Jersey. Flip Saunders has proven nothing with a crew that had been to the finals twice before he arrived. Still, these are two competent coaches who will be well-prepared. Advantage: even.

In the West: With the runners and gunners duly eliminated, two real teams remain standing in the west. While I respect coach Sloan and believe he has a lot of talent on his roster, the Spurs' experience is going to prevail in this one. Spurs win 4-2.

Wal-Mart and Election '08

Ok, by now there remains little doubt that Wal-Mart is one of America's truly evil corporations. The nation's largest retailer employs hundreds of thousands of workers at rock-bottom wages, sells products manufactured in overseas sweatshops**, avoids providing insurance to its hourly employees, and, at all costs, squashes any and all traces of union activity when it sprouts up weed-like in Wal-Mart's garden of exploitation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, we know. What's this got to do with the election?

Did you know that Hillary Clinton served on Wal-Mart's board of directors from 1986-1992? Well, she did, and you can read all about it in the New York Times. What's more, at the time she was the only woman serving on the 15 person board.

Now what the hell are we supposed to do with this?

OK, Let's try to work through it. My gut tells me that this is another reason to not vote for Hillary in the democratic primary. I HATE Wal-Mart and what it's done to local economies and small retailers across the U.S. Why, I ask myself, would Hillary, a career democrat and Arkansas' first lady at the time, associate herself with a company with such, shall we say, dubious labor practices?

But, of course, it would be too easy (christ, politics are so god-damned dirty) to just condemn her. So I'll control my emotions for a second and look at the bigger picture. So Hillary was on the board of directors of a company that makes no effort to conceal its contempt for its bottom rung employees. Didn't this give her ample opportunity to stick her nose in and try to clean things up? This is no handful of minimum wage earners trying to organize; this is the governor's wife in a real position of influence.

So, who and what did she champion? First and foremost it seems she pushed to have more women hired at the management level. That's great, even if it seems her success was modest at best. After that? There was an effort to make stores more eco-friendly that can be traced right back to Hillary's tenure. Can't argue with that, either.

And yet, yet, where was HRC when the hourly workers needed an advocate? Silent. Why? One could argue that there was only so much she could do, that, being a singular voice in a deeply conservative company, she had to pick her fights. Perhaps labor was too big a bite to take at the time. Perhaps she had to set realistic goals for herself while she had this rare opportunity to initiate change.

But still, if she had to join these vultures, doesn't it seem like she could have done a bit more? I'm not talking about a major overhaul of the company here, but what about health care, for example? This is an issue dear to Clinton's heart. It must have at least bugged her a little that she was being paid $15,000 per annum by a company that would prefer its most vital component--the people who actually work in the stores--live without insurance.

I say she picked the wrong fight, and I find it curious that Hillary, at least according to the Times, is distancing herself from Wal-Mart, even returning campaign donations. I think if I sparked even slight reforms in such a backward corporation, I might put it on my resume. Does this mean the senator feels she should have done more in six years on the board, or is she finally embracing a hardline stance against borderline slave-drivers by treating them like the plague they are?

Who knows? However, in my quest to find the least dirty candidate out there, I'm gonna say that this is a strike against the former first lady, and it nudges her back another notch in earning my endorsement.

nb

PS: The $15,000 that she earned was for roughly 4 meetings per year. How much do you think a cashier earns working full-time? Considerably less, I can assure you.

**There was an video feature in today's NY Times (5/24/07) in which Nicholas Kristof debunks some American notions (mine included) of working conditions in Chinese factories.

Mikki Moore Must Die!

Is anyone else here sick of Mikki Moore? Are you as tired as I am of seeing him pop uncontested 18-foot jumpers and throwing down dunks when a Jason Kidd or Vince Carter pass finds him utterly alone in the paint? Drew Gooden, Mikki Moore is your man! How can it be that this journeyman, playing for his seventh team in nine seasons, a career 5.5 point scorer, is picking you apart? In games one and two, you utterly destroyed him. He may have thrown in a few shots, but what you did to him on the boards was nothing less than humiliating. What the hell has happened since then? Sure, he has a couple of inches on you, but your extra 20 pounds of muscle and your superior athleticism should be making short work of this walking popsicle stick. Instead, he has neutralized your rebounding (just over 7 per game over the last three compared to a hearty 14 in games one and two) and taken you completely out of your offensive rhythm. Meanwhile, he is shooting an outrageous 62% from the floor, compared to your measley 39%.

Drew! We Cavs fans forgive your occasional sleepwalking sessions during the regular season, but this is not acceptable in the playoffs. Snap out of it, and show us the monster who can take over a game on both ends of the court--you know, the power forward we saw against Washington. Give LeBron and Z a hand on offense, and please, for god's sake, spare us seeing Mikki Moore's stupid grin as he throws down another two handed slam. Tonight you can send Moore and his fans home unhappy. Let's polish off the Nets so the real playoffs can begin.

Are you listening Anderson Varejao? I'm talking to you too.

The Corruption of Our Youth

The following mayonnaise propaganda reminds us of the many dangers lurking within seemingly wholesome American households:



Notice how the younger sibling imitates big brother's every move. He makes his sandwich exactly the same way, right down to the last critical moment when the offending condiment is applied (notice too the sheer quantity of mayo that is plopped--not spread--onto the sandwich). The message: children are impressionable, so get them hooked early. Hundred of our precious innocents are corrupted this way every day, and millions have already developed a dependency that only years of counseling and abstinence can correct. The damage done by this thirty second commercial cannot be calculated.

Wake Up Larry Hughes!

Larry Hughes owes one to Cleveland. He should give every cent back to every fan who came to the Q hoping to watch the Cavs beat the Nets to advance to the Eastern Conference Finals. Instead, loyal Clevelanders were treated to a 3-17 shooting performance by our starting point guard and a 83-72 loss. Seven points, four assists, three rebounds, two turnovers, one missed free throw attempt, in forty minutes of play. When your "second best player," your point guard no less, is shooting one free throw in an elimination playoff game, something is seriously wrong. "I laid an egg," Hughes said. Quite right, Larry. Everyone else seems to know you are not a jump shooter. Why can't you figure it out? The Larry Hughes I remember was a guy who slashed and attacked and caused problems on both ends of the court, often against the Cavs. Wake up and get yourself to the line!

And then there is the defense that Hughes played on Jason Kidd. Kidd is a notorious bricklayer, and in New Jersey's three losses, Hughes has forced him to be just that. Last night's effort, however, was nothing less than atrocious, with Kidd scoring 20 on 8 of 14 shooting. In the Nets' two wins, Kidd has swished 16 of 26 shots. In three losses? Try a rim-rattling 10 of 33.

But there is plenty of blame to go around. Drew Gooden took the night off. His bizarre replacement, the beached whale that Donyell Marshall has become, is so fat that he apparently can't dunk anymore or even jump. He shot 0-7, missing many layups, and none of the shots were even close. LeBron decided to attack in earnest only in the fourth quarter. To be fair though, LeBron set up his running mate Hughes with one open jumper after the other. If Hughes had made just a couple more shots, kept the Nets just a bit more honest...

And you, Mike Brown, you're not getting off the hook. The Cavs lost by 11 in spite of giving up 6, that's SIX, points to New Jersey in the fourth quarter. Had they applied any defense in the third quarter as well, the series would be over. I said before this game started that the Cavs might benefit from an extra pass or two. Today, the Akron Beacon Journal's Terry Pluto echoed that sentiment in his column. Mike Brown's offense is now nonexistent. This is a team with too many gifted scorers to be notching 72 points in any game. Find a way to get open shots for Gibson, Gooden, Z and Pavlovic. These guys all can score in bunches. And where the hell is Damon Jones when you need some offense? Why not get him a look or two when the shots aren't falling?

Let's be serious though. This one is on Larry. Everyone, including Hughes himself, knows that he has to give his team more if they want to get into the next round.

N8's Random Notes:

Joe Tait celebrated his 70th birthday last night. He has been with the Cavs since the very beginning. He was watched more bad basketball in his life than anyone in the universe. As a reward, he got to call last night's debacle. Happy birthday Joe!

I think Lawrence Franks is a hell of a coach to get this crew into the playoffs, let alone the second round, because they really suck. Their "big three" is pretty much a myth, as far as I can see. Jason Kidd could carry a high school team into the postseason. Imagine him on the Cavs.

Eric Snow's hustle at the end of this game showed me a lot. His willingness to attack on offense was refreshing, even if the results weren't spectacular.

Toodles, Jerry!

The Reverend Jerry Falwell (1933-2007), founder of the Thomas Road Baptist Church and Liberty University, passed away yesterday in Lynchburg, Virginia. Reverend Falwell dies without ever having been named or nominated for McBone's Hero of the Week Award. It is safe to say that his death will not garner any postmortem recognition from the committee.

Some of the most beloved people in my life are gay. How could I possibly be sad that this intolerant boob is pushing up daisies? Can't say I appreciate his support of Bush, either. Or of Bush Senior. Or of Reagan. Unfortunately, Falwell's children are already positioned to continue spreading his anti-gay, anti-semite, anti-muslim brand of gospel.

nb

A vintage exchange between Falwell and friend Pat Robertson, broadcast shortly after 9/11. Enjoy!