Saturday, February 14, 2009

What Life on Planet X Will Be Like When I am King

One of my life goals is to discover and colonize Planet X. As Planet X's conqueror, I will naturally be its first king, and as king, there are a few ground rules that I will want to lay out. There's no time like the present, so I might as well say my piece right here and now, lest there be misunderstandings in the future.

On Planet X there will be no mayonnaise. Mayonnaise production or consumption will be punishable by death-ray disintegration. The following substances will also be forbidden: Twinkies, candy corn, tuna-noodle casserole, thousand island dressing, tartar sauce, creamed corn and crack cocaine.

I will not tolerate fax machines on Planet X. Office machines in general will be frowned upon, as will offices and any kind of office related work, but fax machines shall be banned in perpetuity.

Don't even think about trying to establish a two-party political system on my planet. On the sovereign planet of X, all bow to King Nate and his Interstellar Space-Queen, Alex.

When invading Qwiblons from neighboring solar system ZR-571 try to conquer Planet X, I will use diplomacy to reach an accord with their overlord, Delvok. I will then vaporize his ship as it peacefully tries to exit our atmosphere.

Live chickens and baseball cards will be the official currency of Planet X.

My rule will be gentle but firm; the cost of treason on Planet X is your head.

On Planet X, Pluto will be recognized as a planet once more.

Anyone caught listening to Panic at the Disco on Planet X will be tossed into the Pit of Unhappiness where endless pain awaits.

All couples must surrender their firstborns, who will undergo a series of rigorous tests to determine their worthiness of becoming my successor. Thousands of innocents will perish in the Trials before I ultimately choose my daughter, N'alex, as heir apparent.

The living brain of Richard Nixon will be kept on Planet X for safekeeping and observation.

My vast palace shall be built in the city of Stabbonia. None of the following shall be permitted within the confines of the city:

Space Zombies
Galactic Nebulords
Fifty-Foot Lesbians

Mind you this is just a framework for life on Planet X. If you don't think you can adhere to these guidelines, perhaps you don't belong on my fair planet. For those who can, ready your ships and follow me, your king, to Planet X!



Kid Shay said...

This is the best piece of writing I've read all year.

Long live the King!

Darin Strachan said...

I'll looked for Planet X for a while. And I'm glad to find a sight that is inspired by the wretchedness of a substance I once (and still do) detested for being no more than "Lard from lardy things." NWB, how the hell do I get in contact with a former OU comrade?

BillBow Baggins said...

Holy shit! Darin! Here's how: