Monday, January 5, 2009

Girls: Scary!

I've always been a bit afraid of girls--terrified actually--and I think I know the reason why: girls are scary! All through elementary school, high school and college I perceived the opposite sex as the vastly superior gender, fully capable of reducing me into a huddled, quivering wretch. They always seemed to move in great, giggling flocks, and ever appeared to be one step ahead of me, as though they could read my feeble mind like any roadside billboard.

On those rare occasions I had the gall to even think about approaching a girl, I would start sweating profusely. Soon my shirt would be soaked through, but my mouth would be bone-dry. Ultimately I'd retreat, tail between legs, to the safe solitude of my Nintendo. Eye contact was a big step for me, but it was almost always met with a sneer so cold, so disdainful, that I might as well have had the words "total asshole" tattooed on my forehead. And when, once, I summoned from the deepest recesses of my soul enough nerve to actually talk to a girl, so off-balance was I, so petrified, so hopelessly stricken that I muttered some nonsense about the weather, apologized and wriggled away wormlike down some dark high school hall, leaving a slimy trail of fear in my wake.

I thought things would change once I got to college. Armed with a thirst for knowledge and beer I was ready to accept girls as one of the many challenges that higher education would offer. What was college for, if not to prepare me for the world? What I found was an even smarter, more sophisticated brand of girl. I got an education all right. I meant to use this space to talk about my first night in a girl's dorm, but more than a decade later, I'm still not ready.

What is it about girls that's so scary? Well for starters, girls are pretty. That's intimidating enough. Also, girls are evil. While boys are a generally foolish, guileless lot, girls commonly display tendencies that are normally exhibited by monsters. Seductive as Dracula, clever as a mad scientist, motivated as a zombie and, like the wolf-man, they transform monthly into unspeakable ghastly horrors.

How I wound up with a wife is a mystery that I may never come to understand. I have fleeting recollections of a courtship and a wedding, but those memories are so vague that I suspect they were implanted into my mind via microchip. While her motives remain a mystery, I believe that my wife sups nightly on my blood and keeps me alive purely for spawning purposes.

Maybe you find me a bit paranoid. Perhaps you think this is all in my imagination, that my ramblings stem from low self-esteem. I disagree. I believe that girls hold a power over males so formidable and absolute that a full-blown world takeover is imminent. Not that I'm complaining. We men had our shot, and proved a stumbling, fumbling bunch. The time has come. Let us give the world over to our true masters: the girls!



Kid Shay said...

Brilliant post. You brought all my fears right to the surface with this one.

Paranoid? Not if they're really following you.

BillBow Baggins said...

And they are. They're everywhere, and they have all the power.