Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Creamed Corn; a Memory

Creamed corn and I have a history. We go way back, creamed corn and I. I still remember that dinner, so long ago at my poet friend Mike's house. Fried chicken was on the menu, along with that most noxious of canned side dishes.

Mike's dad, Steve, in spite of my misgivings, plopped a generous pile of creamed corn on my plate. Creamed corn was certainly nothing I had encountered in my own home. Just what the hell was this stuff? Corn that was creamed? I poked and prodded a little. The consistency was not unlike oatmeal.

Then the smell hit me.

Have you ever smelled creamed corn? One whiff and you know something's not right. Open the can and it's right there--corn, but not exactly corn. Corrupted corn. It can be overpowering, like opening a can of cat food. You have to be ready for it. Hold it as far away as possible. It's a freight train to the olfactory glands.

Steve tried to reassure me. It was corn, he said. Just corn. There was nothing to be afraid of. You like corn, don't you?


Well, then you'll love this.

I don't want to.

You have to.

I don't like it.

You haven't tried it.

I don't want to try it.

You can't leave the table until you do.

I picked at my wasted chicken breast. The creamed corn was waiting, its stench robbing me of all appetite. Time crawled by. Minutes melted into hours. There I was, at the table with Steve, Mike having already wolfed his creamed corn as though it was candy. He was off somewhere safe with his Legos, digesting this goo.

The windows filled with darkness. The creamed corn, long cold, was a sickly, yellow-grey island on my plate. Steve stood sentinel, the faintest smile curling on his moustachioed upper lip. Below me was the dog. The dog! If only my captor would turn away, just for a second. Dogs eat anything.

Now, understand that I like corn. Always have. I like cream too. Creamed corn, however, occupies the very bottom rung of the vegetable kingdom. Frozen succotash? Like steak by comparison. Strained peas? Next to creamed corn, strained peas are chocolate cake.

I don't want to try it, was my feeble defense, as futile as before.

You're not leaving the table till you try it.

I don't feel good.

You feel fine. One bite and you can go. Just one.

It was hopeless, I knew. My tormentor, motivated by god knows what, was determined. My fate was sealed. I lifted the fork to my mouth, the creamed corn smell invading my nasal passages, infecting my insides. My brain told me to do it fast, get it over with, but I couldn't. Fear gripped me. Sweat dotted my seven-year-old brow.

Then, all of a sudden, it was in my mouth, and the taste was somehow unlike the smell; it was far worse. I threw up. Steve feigned sympathy, though I could hear his internal cackle of joy. Out came the semi-digested chicken. Out came it all. Chaos ensued, the dog lapping up everything indiscriminantly.

The aftermath doesn't really matter. I will tell you that my love for creamed corn has not blossomed. I find it repulsive in every way. The smell of it still sends a quiver to my belly and conjures images of that fateful night when my world fell apart. I have since forgiven Steve, though he's never once offered an apology.

So I beg you all, gentle McBoners: if ever you invite me to dinner, I'll be a gracious guest. But please, for the love of all that's holy, hold the creamed corn!


PS. This is a true story.


Kid Shay said...

Thanks for sharing this hilarious story.

Now excuse me while I go throw up.

I've never had creamed corn myself, but now I know I'll never willingly ingest it.

Professor Howdy said...

You have a riveting web log
and undoubtedly must have
atypical & quiescent potential
for your intended readership.
May I suggest that you do
everything in your power to
honor your encyclopedic/omniscient
Designer/Architect as well
as your revering audience.
As soon as we acknowledge
this Supreme Designer/Architect,
Who has erected the beauteous
fabric of the universe, our minds
must necessarily be ravished with
wonder at His infinite goodness,
wisdom and power.

Please remember to never
restrict anyone's opportunities
for ascertaining uninterrupted
existence for their quintessence.

All of us, at one time or another,
have experienced the strange
physiological reaction of zygomatic
stimulation and subsequent larynx

This strain upsets the respiratory
system, which results in deep,
noisy gasps. The mouth opens
and closes as the lungs struggle
for oxygen.

The struggle for oxygen causes
the face to turn various shades
of red and strange, unique noises
emerge from deep within.

What is this strange, physiological
reaction I am describing? It is

We normally associate laughter with
humor. But, gelotology, the study of
laughter, suggests another trigger for
laughter called the incongruity theory.

This theory suggests that laughter
arises when logic and familiarity are
replaced by things that don't normally
go together--when we expect one
outcome and another happens.

Generally speaking, our minds and
bodies anticipate what's going to
happen and how it's going to end
based on logical thought, emotion,
and our past experience. But, when
circumstances go in unexpected
directions, our thoughts and emotions
suddenly have to switch gears and
laughter emerges out of the tension
between what we expect--and what
actually happens.

There is a time for everything,
a season for every activity
under heaven. A time to be
born and a time to die. A
time to plant and a time to
harvest. A time to kill and
a time to heal. A time to
tear down and a time to
rebuild. A time to cry and
a time to laugh. A time to
grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones
and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a
time to turn away. A time to
search and a time to lose.
A time to keep and a time to
throw away. A time to tear
and a time to mend. A time
to be quiet and a time to
speak up. A time to love
and a time to hate. A time
for war and a time for peace.

Here's what remarkable men
have asseverated about the
world's bestseller:

"I believe the Bible is the best gift
God has ever given to man. All
the good from the Savior of the
world is communicated to us
through this book."
-- President Abraham Lincoln

"For we must consider that we shall
be as a City upon a hill. The eyes of
all people are upon us. So that if we
shall deal falsely with our God in this
work we have undertaken, and so
cause Him to withdraw his present
help from us, we shall be made a
story and a byword throughout the
world." --John Winthrop, Governor
of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, 1630

"It is impossible to rightly govern the
world without God and the Bible."
- President George Washington

"The Bible is no mere book, but a Living
Creature, with a power that conquers
all that oppose it." - Napoleon

"That Book accounts for the supremacy
of England." - Queen Victoria

"If there is anything in my thought or
style to commend, the credit is due my
parents for instilling in me an early
love of the Scriptures. If we abide by
the principals taught in the Bible, our
country will go on prospering and to
prosper; but if we and our posterity
neglect its instructions and authority,
no man can tell how sudden a
catastrophe may overwhelm us and
bury all our glory in profound obscurity."
- Daniel Webster (Founding Father)

"The Bible is worth all other books which
have ever been printed." - Patrick Henry
(original member of the Continental Congress)

"The Bible is the anchor of our liberties."
- President U.S. Grant

"It is impossible to enslave mentally or socially
a Bible-reading people. The principals of the
Bible are the groundwork of human freedom."
- Horace Greeley (Editor)

"That Book is the rock on which our Republic
rests." - President Andrew Jackson

"In all my perplexities and distresses, the Bible
has never failed to give me light and strength."
- Gen. Robert E. Lee

"Bible reading is an education in itself."
- Lord Tennyson (Poet)

"So great is my veneration for the Bible that the
earlier my children begin to read it the more
confident will be my hope that they will prove
useful citizens of their country and respectable
members of society. I have for many years made
it a practice to read through the Bible once
every year." - President John Quincy Adams

"The existence of the Bible, as a Book for the
people, is the greatest benefit which the human
race has ever experienced. Every attempt to
belittle it is a crime against humanity."
- Immanuel Kant (Philosopher)

"The New Testament is the very best Book that
ever or ever will be known in the world."
- Charles Dickens (Author)

"All human discoveries seem to be made only
for the purpose of confirming more and more
strongly the truths contained in the Sacred
Scriptures." - Sir William Herschel (Astronomer)

"There are more sure marks of authenticity
in the Bible than in any profane history."
- Sir Isaac Newton (Scientist)

"Let mental culture go on advancing,
let the natural sciences progress in
even greater extent and depth, and
the human mind widen itself as much
as it desires; beyond the elevation
and moral culture of Christianity, as
it shines forth in the Gospels, it will
not go." - Goethe (Author)

"I have known ninety-five of the world's
great men in my time, and of these eight-
seven were followers of the Bible. The
Bible is stamped with a Specialty of Origin,
and an immeasurable distance separates
it from all competitors."
- W.E. Gladstone (Prime Minister)

"Whatever merit there is in anything that
I have written is simply due to the fact that
when I was a child my mother daily read
me a part of the Bible and daily made me
learn a part of it by heart." - John Ruskin
(art critic and social commentator)

"The Bible has been the Magna Charta of the
poor and oppressed. The human race is not
in a position to dispense with it." - Thomas
Huxley (Author & Scientist)

"The whole hope of human progress is
suspended on the ever growing influence
of the Bible." - W.H. Seward (Secretary of State)

"America was born a Christian nation. America
was born to exemplify that devotion to the
elements of righteousness, which are derived
from the revelations of Holy Scriptures. Part
of the destiny of Americans lies in their daily
perusal of this great book of revelations.
That if they would see America free and
pure they will make their own spirits free
and pure by this baptism of the Holy Spirit."
--President Woodrow Wilson

For Christians, the life and death of Jesus
are the ultimate expressions of love, and
the supreme demonstrations of God's
mercy, faithfulness, and redemption.
Since Christ's miraculous Resurrection
on Easter, more than 2,000 years ago,
Christians have expressed joy and
gratitude for this wondrous sacrifice
and for God's promise of freedom for
the oppressed, healing for the broken -
hearted, and salvation. --President
George W. Bush

"It cannot be emphasized too strongly
or too often that this great nation was
founded, not by religionists, but by
Christians; not on religions, but on
the gospel of Jesus Christ. For this
very reason peoples of other faiths
have been afforded asylum, prosperity,
and freedom of worship here."
--Patrick Henry (original member
of the Continental Congress)

God designed humans to want to
believe in something. That's the
image of God that is in us. But as
G. K. Chesterton famously put it,
when we reject the God of the
Bible, we don't believe in nothing;
we believe in everything -- including
Little Green Men. - - Chuck Colson

I am trying here to prevent anyone from
saying the really foolish thing that people
often say about Jesus Christ: "I'm ready
to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher,
but I don't accept His claim to be God."

That is the one thing we must not say.
A man who was merely a man and said
the sort of things Jesus said would not be
a great moral teacher. He would either be
a lunatic -- on a level with a man who says
he is a poached egg -- or else he would be
the Devil of Hell.

You must make your choice. Either this Man
was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman
or something worse .... You can shut Him up
for fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a
demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him
Lord and God. But let us not come up with any
patronizing nonsense about His being a great
human teacher. He has not left that option
open to us. He did not intend to. -- From
Case for Christianity, by C.S. Lewis

"Let every student be plainly instructed and
earnestly pressed to consider well the main
end of his life and studies is to know God
and Jesus Christ which is eternal life (John
17:3)." - - - The Laws and Statutes of
Harvard College in 1643

"All scholars shall live religious, godly,
and blameless lives according to the rules
of God's Word, diligently reading the Holy
Scriptures, the fountain of light and truth;
and constantly attend upon all the duties
of religion, both in public and secret."
- - - Two central requirements in Yale
College 1745 charter

If you stop believing what your professor
told you had to be true and if you start
thinking for yourself you may come to some
conclusions you hadn't expected. You may
find the Bible makes more sense than you
thought or were told to think. Allow yourself
to be ruined, ruined with regard to what you
always thought could be true. Can you believe
what you don't understand? You and I believe
everyday what we don't understand unless it
comes to the issue of salvation.
- - - Dr. Woodrow Kroll

There is simply no historic foundation for the
position that the Framers intended to build the
'wall of separation' that was constitutionalized
in Everson. The 'wall of separation between
church and state' is a metaphor based on bad
history, a metaphor which has proved useless
as a guide to judging. It should be frankly and
explicitly abandoned. - - - Chief Justice of
the US Supreme Court, William Rehnquist

In 1796 the US Supreme Court issued this
ruling, "By our form of government, the
Christian religion is the established religion,
and all sects and denominations of Christians
are placed on equal footing." Some 57 years
later, after Congress was petitioned to separate
Christian principles from government, in 1853
the House Judiciary Committee issued their
formal report, including these words: "In this
age there is no substitute for Christianity.
This was the religion of the founders of the
republic, and they expected it to be the
religion of their dependents. The great vital,
conservative elements in our system is the
belief of our people in the pure doctrines
and divine truths of the gospel of Jesus
Christ." - - - Dr. Gerald Beavan

"It is the duty of nations, as well as of men,
to own their dependence upon the overruling
power of God and to recognize the sublime
truth announced in the Holy Scriptures and
proven by all history, that those nations only
are blessed whose God is the Lord."
-- President Abraham Lincoln

Trust in yourself and you are doomed to
disappointment; trust in money and you
may have it taken from you; but trust in
God, and you are never to be confounded
in time or eternity. - D.L. Moody

Faith and love are apt to be spasmodic
in the best of minds. Men and women live
on the brink of mysteries and harmonies
into which they never enter and with their
hand on the door latch they die outside.
- - GK Chesterton

Best wishes for continued ascendancy,
Dr. Whoami

P.S. Here's some blogs that I found
of interest
as I negotiated my way
through cyberspace:

Every Student
Religion Comparison
Around the Well
Danish Cartoons
Arabic Cartoons
Muhammad or Jesus???
Answering Islam
Is Jesus God?
A Short Look At Six World Religions
God's Word in different languages...
How to become a Christian
Who Is Jesus?
See The Word
Watch The Jesus Movie
Spanish Cartoons
German Cartoons
Chinese Cartoons
Italian Cartoons
Greek Cartoons
Japanese Cartoons
Portuguese Cartoons
French Cartoons
Hindi Cartoons
Russian Cartoons
'Thought & Humor'

Only one of these is amalgamated with me -
can you determine which one??? Tell me
sometime what your thoughts are about
all this:O)

Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...

What the fucking hell?


Professor Howdy said...

Thanks for visiting my blog.
I will try to have more humor
for you each time you are able
to return - Sure hope it's soon!!!

Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...

My life is wonderfully content without god. I have family, friends and happiness. It is people like you who forcefully try to impose their beliefs on others that make me unquestionably sure of my stance on religion. Though church may be a strong foundation and source of comfort for many, and most certainly a positive spirit in an often negative world, I do not have any doubt that religion is the root of many of the worlds major issues.

I am not a hateful person and I am very accepting of others convinctions. Some of my closest friends are very religious. Also Republican. We simply agree to disagree but I never at any point try to make them believe my way of life is better.

Please find another forum to push your religious views because in the world of Mcbone your 2203 word post is just a big waste of everyones time.

ps - maybe I'll just have to look forward to seeing that little red devil guy with a pitchfork waiting for me!!! Telling me I've been bad!

You are a joke.


Roger Coss said...

Oh God I hated creamed corn.Instant nausea in a can. And hominy. And beets. And- GAG-stewed tomatoes. I didn't like cooked spinach either, though I can stand it now, and if i have to I can get creamed corn down