Motherly Triumvirate

From left: Actual Mom, McBonerito's Mom, Mom-in-Law

Today I'm one hell of a lucky guy.  Why?  Because I get to spend Mother's Day with all three of the moms in my life.  Indeed, this weekend McBone Manor is so crammed full of moms, it's quite the challenge just keeping track of them all. 

Here's a quick breakdown for you:

The Mother-of-My-Child Mom - You know her as my sometimes-popular wife and mother of the McBonerito.  The woman who has redefined the art of parenting over the past 18 months today joins her fellow Purdue graduates at the 2013 commencement ceremony.  Understand that my wife excels at everything she tries.  She's brilliant, she's beautiful and she'll charm your pants right off, but I have spent the last year and a half witnessing her at her greatest vocation, which looks a little something like this:

The Mother-in-Law Mom - My favorite mayonnaise offender traveled great distances to be with her daughter today.  This graduation represents the fourth and final that my suegra will have to attend on her eldest child's behalf, which is a shame, because she always brings a bottle of Venezuelan rum when she visits.  Anyways, it's a husband's natural right to have a problem with his mother-in-law, yet, after 14 years I still can't find a single thing wrong with her, aside from the fact that she once made her own mayonnaise, which is bad, but she knows what she did was wrong and we've moved on amicably.

The Actual-Mother Mom - Middle children are notorious moaners.  Not me.  One so gifted with brains, sophistication and debonaire good looks can only thank his mother for the supply of high-quality DNA and the upbringing that resulted in such a magnificent specimen.  Dig it:

Moreover, my mother's 1983 decision to never make tuna noodle casserole again ranks as one of the finest parenting maneuvers of the decade and possibly of all time.

I couldn't live without any of these women.  It's rare to have them together in one house, and I aim to enjoy it.

Happy Mother's Day, Moms!  I love you, individually and en masse.

nwb

Much of Me, Is Mom....

This will be a short yet hopefully sweet tribute to my mother.

I would venture to guess that most of the people in my life that have spent a significant amount of time with me, and know my family well, probably think that much of who I am comes from my father.  There is no question that I take after my dad, in many facets of my life and of my personality.  However there is much more of me that is my mom than you think, and that becomes more and more apparent the older I get.

My mom is a tough gal, and toughness is a virtue that I value very much.  She had her first child at age 22, and carried my sister while my dad was away in Vietnam.  She went through a miscarriage, which coincidentally is the only reason I am here today. She has put up with my dad for close to 50 years and I can assure you, very much like me, my dad can be a handful!  I get strength from both of my parents, certainly, but much of my ability to navigate the ups and downs of life come from my mom.  When you fall down, you pick your ass up off the ground and move forward.  Don't cry about it, don't sit there soaking in your own self pity.  You find a solution and you don't look back. That is the mentality she taught me. 

My mom was in sales.  She was an executive for Arhaus furniture for 25 years.  One of the most well known and well respected furniture companies in Ohio.  She worked full time, quite successfully, while also raising three children and maintaining a more than comfortable home for her family.  I am in sales, and have used that ability to drive my career to where I am today.  Not a coincidence, I am sure.  There is no question that a lot my success can be pointed directly to the skills I inherited from my mom.

Next to my Grandmother Bowler, my mom is the most unbelievable cook I have ever been around.  She makes even the simplest of dinners taste like a five-star meal.  My prowess in the kitchen is not even in the same category as Jean, but my passion for food and cooking certainly have been derived from watching both her and my grandma cook for so many years.  I can't wait to be able to make dinners for my family like my mom always has for all of us. 

In that same category most of you know that I am very passionate about living a healthy lifestyle. Exercise and sports certainly are characteristics that were encourgaed every single day in my house, especially by my dad.  But without question I learned how to eat healthy from my mom, and I am extremely thankful for that gift.  I was the kid with lunch envy every day at school because my lunches didn't have fruit roll-ups, gushers or doritos.  I had apples, carrots, a sandwich and maybe some pretzels. We always had at least two vegetables at family dinner and there was never an abundance of junk food in the house.  Just ask my friends that would sleep over in high school.  I learned very early on the value of eating the right way and how impactful this can be on your life.  This is a trait I try to pass on to people in my life now, and will certainly do so for my family in the future.

Women.  I can't sit here and tell you that I have always treated everyone in my life with the respect they deserve.  I've made some mistakes in that category without question.  However, my mom has always been adament about the way she expected her son to treat the women in his life.  My mother, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, wife....those people were to always take precedence over anything else happening in my world.  Treat them like queens she would say.  Treat them as if they are the most important people on the entire planet.  I am very thankful for the women that surround me, and very excited to make the woman who gives birth to my children a life more amazing than she can possibly imagine.  A lifetime will not be enough time to repay a woman for the amazing gift of giving birth to a child.  That is what my mom taught me about women.

So much more of me comes from my mom than I think I even realized until the last few years.  She is an amazing woman, an amazing human being.  So on this Mother's Day, 2013, I simply want to thank my mom for imparting in me so many of the good things that make me who I am.

Happy Mother's Day Jean Bowler, and to all the other amazing women in my life who have the gift of motherhood.  Love you all.

jab

McBone Hero of the Month: May 2013

Bravery = 1 openly gay athlete in 4 major sports.

Because you had the guts to be first, Jason, when you knew there would be reactions of all kinds, many of them savage, base and utterly batshit, you are our hero.

No, you are not a sinner, in spite of what Cleveland-born, Oberlin-educated former Akron Beacon Journal columnist Chris Broussard says.

And yes, it is a big deal.  Ignore those trying to dismiss this as a non-story.  There is a reason it took until 2013, and there is a reason a journeyman center with a 3.6 career scoring average finds himself on the cover of the country's biggest sports magazine.  Even in retirement, only a small handful have come out.  Your career has been a modest one, but you belong in the Hall of Fame.

As for you, Chris Broussard, we officially revoke your credentials as a NE Ohio native and your degree from Oberlin.  You are now a Liberty University grad from Topeka.  You may apply for reinstatement when you can prove that you've come to your senses.

nwb

McBone at 100K, Welcoming the Newest Member of the McBone Cast and Crew

Last week, to great fanfare, McBone notched its 100,000th hit.  Naturally, there was a tremendous hullabaloo about the whole thing.  Congratulations poured in from all corners, from lands far and wide.  Even South Dakota, who once shunned us, dropped a line to say well done!

And maybe you caught this tweet from my Doppelgänger:

major shout out 2-nite to my twin brother from another mother.  100,000 hits!  #loyalmcboner #denzel #handsomestmanalive

We promised to mark the occasion by inaugurating the newest official member of the McBone Cast and Crew.  Hopeful McBoners have waited over a week for the announcement.  Can you blame them for their impatience?  After all, the C&C is sparsely populated, and it's no small feat getting in.  The fact is, more people have landed on the moon than have entered our hallowed and immortal halls.

We did not take this consideration lightly, but after weeks of deliberations, the answer became clear.

The newest member of our Cast and Crew is Spronk.

Spronk, pictured with the McBonerito and my sometimes-elegant wife.

McBoners have been reading about Spronk's leftover lunch for years now.  The little Pyrex container filled with once-edible leftovers was deposited in our fridge sometime in October of 2010.  With firm instructions that the contents should not disposed of under any circumstances (yet no explanation as to why we were to be their custodians ad infinitum), we left the modest repast to its devices.  Somewhere, in the deepest recesses of our icebox, that Pyrex still sits.  I doubt Spronk has any intentions of reclaiming the vessel at this point, let alone eating the undefinable slurry within, but an order is an order.  I'm not getting rid of it.  I reckon I'll just leave it for the next tenants and let them deal with the consequences of tossing it out.

But there's more to Spronk than a rancid lunch.  Spronk is an intellectual, a geek, a web designer, a fashionista, a photographer and a baker.  Oh, the magical things that happen when Spronk mixes some ordinary ingredients and puts them in the oven. Why, here's a picture of scone she baked earlier today:

I ate the living hell out of that delicious scone.  Oh, and she just happens to make the best goddam pie in Indiana.

More to the point, Spronk has been our very dearest friend since we took up residence at McBone Manor in 2008.  We've shared countless meals and a million laughs.  She suffers through the Oscars with us every single year.  She is the McBonerito's favorite babysitter, and, it bears repeating, she makes the best pie I've tasted since my old gran baked her last.

Mostly though, when we think about Spronk, we think about the glass container with its distended blue lid.

So congratulations, Spronk, the newest star in the McBoniverse.  You deserve it.  We're going to miss you when we go.  Perhaps you can swing by one last time.  And maybe, just maybe, we can persuade you to finally take home that science experiment of a putrefied leftover fucking lunch!

McBone odds and ends at 100,000:

Last week also marked our 30,000th hit originating from a Google search of trough urinals.

To date, not one person has lost their virginity while reading or because of reading McBone.

Former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher logged on to McBone (hit #100,104) seconds before her fatal stroke.

nwb

McBonebeat Poll: OHIO Sweatshirt: Good or Ghastly?

My sometimes-unreasonable wife and I don't have a long history of fighting, but in the 14 years we've been together, I would estimate that 90% of our disagreements have revolved around the pictured Ohio University sweatshirt.  She was there when I bought it, and she did everything in her power to dissuade me from purchasing a garment she found aesthetically and rhetorically deficient.  Aesthetically because of its color scheme and oversized block lettering.  Rhetorically because the word OHIO, in her reckoning, did not adequately denote Ohio University to the casual onlooker.

I have long objected.  In my estimation, this pullover is THE Ohio University sweatshirt.  Green and white happen to be Ohio University's colors (I'll never understand why she chose a gray hoodie with blue lettering), and the lone, proud OHIO emblazoned across my athletic torso is a more than satisfactory identifier.  If the symbolism is lost on the uninitiated, I can't worry about it, and I'm sure as hell not going to spell it out for them.  I'm too busy being cool.  And as for Ohio State?  Listen, Ohio U was founded in 1804, OSU in 1870.  If any student body can lay claim to OHIO as an identifier, it's ours, so you Buckeyes get to muck your sweatshirts up with all the extra words.  We Bobcats don't have to.

Well into our second decade of matrimony, we still have not settled the debate.  So we turn to you, gentle McBoners, and ask that you weigh in, in poll form, on whether my OU sweatshirt is a good sweatshirt, or, in the words of my sometimes-hyperbolic wife, a ghastly one.

Thank you,

nwb

Pretty Girls and Fancy Ketchup

I've never been one for a lot of heavy makeup and perfume, but did you ever notice how naturally pretty girls are even prettier with a bottle of fancy ketchup?  It's true!  Behold this dark-eyed enchantress, illumined by the compact florescent glow of her pretty friend, Melinda:

Need more proof?  Just ask my partner blogger and resident cartoonist, Kid Shay, who, along with his pretty wife, Isis, turned a potential catastrophe at their local burger joint into something magical.

If you find yourself still unconvinced by our meme, take a look at my sometimes-melancholy wife with an everyday, ordinary, unfancy brand of ketchup:

Pretty, yes, but so forlorn without her fancy ketchup.

nwb

Snow Day Skirmish

A rare snow day afforded us the chance to frolic in the 6 inches blanketing the homestead this morning.  I thought a snowman might be a fun activity, or perhaps a fort complete with tunnels and battlements.  Instead, the McBonerito chose to pick a fight. 

With my back turned, my treacherous son uncorked a fastball that whizzed past my ear.  Though his aim was poor, his intent was clear: the kid wanted to knock my fucking head off.

Thanks to my sometimes-popular wife, the cameras were rolling just in time to catch my retaliation to his craven attack.

I'd say the old man showed him a thing or two.  Maybe he'll bring his 'A' game the next time he wants to start some crap with Dad.

nwb

Charmless

I hoped things might change when the McBonerito was born.  The Cleveland sports landscape has been pretty bleak since LeBron gathered up his vast talents and vacated the premises after a 61-win 2009-10 season.  Like any sports fan, I'm superstitious, and I thought maybe, just maybe some new blood would stir things up, reverse karma, recalibrate whatever machinations make some teams winners and other losers.  I've even taught the kid to say 'Go Cavs!', a phrase he's liable to spout a couple dozen times a day.

Here's how we've fared since 11/6/11:

Indians: 68-94

Cavs: 43-91

Browns: 6-17

Total: 117-202

Winning percentage: 36%

Playoff appearances: 0

When it comes to sports, the McBonerito is apparently not a lucky charm.

So, kiddo, this is it.  If the Indians don't have a winning summer, it may be time to talk siblings with your sometimes-pregnant mother.

nwb