Republican for a Month

Come on, liberals, admit it: you've wondered what it's like on the other side. I know I sure have. Hell, it's not easy living left of center, what with all this having to be environmentally conscious and being against the war and wanting equal rights for all people. It takes a toll.

Well, with only a week remaining before Alex and I make our move to the solidly red state of Indiana, I find myself ill prepared for five years entrenched in such heretofore hostile environs.

I'm also curious. That's why, as of now, I am officially and temporarily changing my allegiance. That's right, I'm jumping ship, pulling the old switcheroo, joining the dark side, as it were. I'm going to find out what it takes to be Republican for a month. And to whip myself into shape, I've compiled a list of activities, a daily regimen that I hope will bring out my latent conservative tendencies. They will include:

● Burning more fossil fuels. No more turning off lights just because I'm not using them. And the fuel efficient McBonemobile is going in the garage in favor of something decidedly less responsible:


● Denying global warming. What a relief it will be to finally not have to believe in this silly hoax just because it's supported by science.

● Not letting this guy steal my job:


● Voting down school levies. No more giving away my hard-earned money just for the sake of some crummy, underfunded public school.

● Supporting the war. I guess some taxes aren't so bad.

● Being afraid of homosexuals (or "homos," as I'll be calling them this month).

● Bitching about the size of government. Come on, people, let's privatize everything.

● Loving America. This means loving a lot of things, like freedom and liberty.

● Hating the terrorists. I'm going to spend all month hating the haters of freedom and liberty.

● Pulling myself up by my own bootstraps. This month I'm not accepting handouts or charity from anyone. Just don't even look at my bootstraps, all right?

● Watching Fox News.

● Praying the black guy loses.

● Observing the second amendment (see right).

● Defending my family (right again).

● Squeezing off a few rounds (yep, right).

● Not burning the American flag. I'm shitcanning this daily ritual of mine for a few weeks.

I know I have a challenge ahead, and I know it won't be easy. I'm counting on you, gentle McBoners, to keep me in check. Got anything else to add to my routine? Just list them here.

nwb

Work Schmerk

I was just thinking about baseball players who make 27 million dollars a year, and that got me to remembering my old job at the Barnes & Noble store in Boulder, Colorado a few years back, my first experience (and preferably last) working in a national chain. At this job I toiled 40 hours in a five-day work week. For my efforts, I earned $8.50 an hour. That came to about $1,100 a month, after taxes. Not a lot.

I'm pretty sure I'm in over my head with this post, and I hope my republican friends don't read this, but here are some probably incohesive, late-night musings on labor after watching democratic candidates speaking at the presidential forum at Howard University.

Republicans are out of touch. Hopelessly out of touch. What's more, their party is obsolete. Democrats are getting there, too, but let's be realistic for a second. Just look at the candidates for president in '08. On the democratic side there is a black man, a woman and a latino. What are the republicans offering? Old white men (which of course I would be ok with if they all smoked pipes and had long beards. They don't). Their idea of a maverick is John McCain, recently seen sucking up to the religious right. They call themselves the party of Lincoln. This is the party of Nixon, Reagan, two Bushes and a Cheney. These people have not a clue about how 99% of the world lives, and I’m pretty sure they don't care.

I've said it before--I LOVE Mike Gravel. He’s the one pointing out that prison is not an acceptable alternative to a job for a young black man.

I love Jimmy Carter for pointing out in last month’s Rolling Stone that, when he was governor, he competed with fellow governors to see who could reduce the number of prison inmates the most. Now governors brag about how many prisons they have built. If anyone ever deserved a second term...

Henry Ford created the automaton worker. Easily trained, easily replaced. Doesn’t that make him the father of the dead-end job? There is no ladder for someone who has one very limited skill. That is a mode of control, isn’t it? You’re not in the club, and you’re not getting in.

Upward mobility is one of the biggest myths perpetuated in American society. Upward mobility has become a lottery ticket. American Idol. A book deal for a fantasy trilogy...

Lack of skill has meant a continuing decline in adequate compensation as company executives help themselves to bigger slices.

Republicans have been the biggest opponents of raising the minimum wage. They are also the biggest opponents of welfare. There seems to be disconnect in there somewhere.

Worker outrage is dulled by a constantly flowing stream of entertainment. Television killed the labor unions as much as anything. Ok, I just realized that I may be completely full of crap.

Speaking of unions, my buddy Josh once told me how, during his own training at Barnes & Noble, he was mistakenly given the manual for a manager’s training. In it, he told me, were instructions on how to put down a strike. Charming. It's quite a trick to keep people poor and content.

I had health insurance while working at B&N. The premium was about $120.00 per month—a pretty hefty chunk of my pay. When Alex and I went to the doctor for a checkup, our “coverage” covered exactly $0.00. The visit included some tests for various things…piss in a cup, etc, but nothing major. The bill--$400.00. A third of a month’s pay. Here in France, that same visit would be less by about $388.00.

Here’s something I thought of the other day: In France there is still a thriving sector of artisans and small, independent retailers. Butchers, bakers, florists, confectioners, booksellers, greengrocers and wine caves abound. Going into one of these shops as an American is almost as much a shock as it is a pleasure. The level of courtesy and knowledge is tremendous. You get to know your baker and your butcher, and they are genuinely happy to see you come in. They learn what you like and don’t like, and because the lady who sells you the baguette is probably married to the guy who baked it an hour ago, and since their livelihood depends on keeping a regular clientele, they are going to put everything into this craft of theirs. They are in charge, not some corporate guy who has never been to the store. Thus the experience is the exact opposite of what you get at, for example, an American supermarket, where the person slicing your cheese doesn’t know you and doesn’t want to know you. He’s making $6.50 and don’t give a flying f*** about cheese.

That said, France has its share of giant retail outlets too. Often, they are more expensive than the artisan shops. Figure that out.

So, basically in the US we’ve created an indifferent, unknowledgeable, zombie class of workers. I walked among them, and it was weird. The worst possible sin was to steal. Following in a very, very close second was working overtime, which was pretty much considered stealing. Both were monitored with an obsessive vigilance from both inside and outside the store (curt emails from HQ were common). I’ve been told that there was a time when working overtime was considered admirable, a way to distinguish yourself, make a few extra bucks and maybe get ahead. While I can’t imagine a “bookseller” (that’s the cute name they gave to us drones) getting fired for accidentally working overtime, you can bet the managers would be.

Anyhow, that’s it. Out of the democratic candidates I like two—Gravel and Kucinich. Those are the two who, I believe, would make life better for the working class, if they ever had a snowball’s chance in hell of being president.

The McBone Beer Journal

I suppose I must be in a moderate mood tonight, because, in the midst of my month as a Republican, I feel like writing about something so uniting, so inspirationally nonpartisan that I almost want to go find a liberal to hug.

I'm talking about beer, of course.

Now, ever since my parents let me start having a beer or two with dinner (age 13 or so), I've had an affinity for that special fermented blend of malted grain, yeast and hops. Sure, I love a martini from time to time, and my travels in France certainly gave me an appreciation for wine. Naturally, I'll drain a bottle of cough syrup when I get desperate, but, given a choice, I'm usually reaching into the fridge for a ice-cold bottle of beer.

That said, not all beers are created equal. I learned that almost 11 years ago when I traveled to Austria for a study abroad program. Already looking forward to an endlessly flowing stream of world-class beer, my friend Brad, a grizzled veteran of one Austrian study abroad campaign, revealed my ignorance. Just wait, he said, until you try Edelweiss.

I cringed, remembering a terrible experience I had when I was 16. Not interested, I politely informed him, but Brad was persistent. I only became mildly intrigued when he told me that Edelweiss was more than a high altitude flower; it was his favorite brand of Hefeweizen.

Hefe who? A quick German lesson revealed that Hefe means yeast and Weizen is wheat. Hefeweizen is an unfiltered wheat beer that has a cloudy appearance and a distinctive, almost fruity flavor. Well, that sounded reasonable enough for me. Why not give it a whirl?

I was not led astray.

From the very first sip I was hooked. In that moment the sky seemed to open up. White light pierced the heavens. Golden trumpets sounded, clarion calls heralding a procession of cherubs, naked and wielding wheat beer-filled cornucopias.

For 1o weeks I got while the gettin' was good, but back Stateside I've yet to find its equal. Not that I haven't tried, mind you. Verily I have risked the health of my liver and kidneys, sacrificed billions of brain cells, even had run-ins with the law and, once, a fellow named "Twist."

I realize now that my quest was too narrow minded, too framed within the context of an exhilarating first trip to Europe. I should not have been seeking Edelweiss' match all this time, for the holy grail has no rival. So, I'm starting anew, sampling great beers from around the globe, and I'm doing it for you, McBoners. I'll be rating them all for posterity--ales, stouts and lagers, a beer journal of sorts. No beers shall be excluded, except the perversion of low-carb varieties.

Ratings shall be based on a variety of factors, including but not limited to: taste, aroma, color, head, price and label. All factors will be tabulated in the supercomputer that is my brain and presented in the simple but highly accurate McBone Optimized Rating Format, or McBORF for short.

I'm not expecting to find another Edelweiss this time, but maybe, just maybe, I'll stumble upon that Twist guy again.

nwb

Recap: Shittiest Day Ever

Today was one shitty day.  Epically shitty.  Let's recap, in order of shittiness.

1) Maurice Sendak dies.  There will never be another like him, and 82 earthly years was far too short a duration for such endless, otherworldly imagination.

2) North Carolina voters ban gay marriage.  Someday the US Supreme Court will take this decision out of the hands of ignorant, imbecilic  voters.

3) Richard Lugar loses his primary challenge to Tea Party-backed Richard Mourdock.  I did something today that I never did before and will likely never do again: I cast a vote for a Republican.  Yes, I voted for Richard Lugar, which felt a bit like five minutes swimming through bilge-water, but also reminded me fondly of when I was a Republican for a month.  I did it because Richard Lugar is one of the few remaining Republican legislators not guided by raging hysteria and blind obstinacy.  I did it in the name of compromise.  And I did it because I just can't abide this new breed of conservative, who touts his brand of patriotism as supreme and won't stop waving the constitution in our faces, as if to say 'if you'd just read it, you might actually get it.'

4) We spent about 10 hours cleaning this godforsaken house, and it's still a freaking mess.

So that's it.  Five minutes to go for May 8th, 2012.  When I get the Delorean up and running, remind me not to revisit this goddam shitty-ass day ever again.

nwb

Bigotry at McBone?

All right McBoners, I've been letting this sit idle for a few weeks, but the time has come to have it out. While our latest polling reveals an overwhelmingly liberal climate in McBone Nation, there is a small segment of loyal readers who have a more conservative bent.

I can forgive the seven McCain supporters. I don't pretend to understand how the guy garnered a single vote on November 4th, considering how unhip it is to be a republican these days, but, you know, whatever. Actually, no. Screw that. I take it back. I'm not letting you off the hook so easily. I mean, what the hell? You had a choice between Obama and McCain and you actually picked McCain? Come on, people. I can't even figure out how the Republican party still exists after an unmitigated eight-year debacle. Even that old 'Party of Lincoln' stuff has to be running on fumes by now. I have a strong feeling that if Lincoln had risen from the grave and lurched zombie-like to the nearest polling place last month he would have: a) been dazzled and perplexed by the touch-screen voting, b) eventually cast his vote for Obama, and c) gone on a flesh-eating rampage.

So, I guess I just don't get it. And what I really don't get is how someone clicks onto McBone and has the audacity to condemn gay marriage, and even go so far as to call homosexuality satanic. Cripes, you three people, what's the deal with you? With this laundry list of things that are wrong with the world, do you actually think homosexuality would be high on His list of priorities? And what the hell is your problem with homosexuality anyway? I mean, I suppose it's an interesting civil rights issue because homosexuality, unlike skin color, can be a choice. I have a strong inclination toward women, but I could easily shag a dude one time and think 'OK, I've shagged a dude and it was interesting and that's that.' But then there are all these millions of people who are gay and there isn't too much they can do about it. Well, obviously they can lead heterosexual lifestyles and I'm sure many people spend a whole lifetime fighting against their nature in order to conform to whatever they feel the need to conform to, but who wants to live like that? Not me.

The point is, these people think being gay is bad because they were told by a minister or a parent or someone that being gay is bad. But if any one of them was stranded on a desert island with another member of the same sex, don't you think they would eventually do it? You BET they would do it! How do I know? Because everyone wants to get their rocks off on way or another. People have sex. They always have. They always will. Come on, you three conservative McBoners. Stay Republican if you must, but get over the gay thing.

nwb

Frost/Nixon; A McBone Mini-Review

Why, why, oh why do I find Richard Nixon so intriguing? Or is enchanting the word? I'm no Republican (aside from one bizarre month last summer), and I'm not huge fan of politicians in general. You couldn't pay me to cast a vote for the scoundrel, so I guess I don't really know the reason he constantly occupies my thoughts. Perhaps it's his legendary sex appeal, everything from the perspiration to the baggy eyes to the sagging, hound-dog visage. Or it could be that patented Nixonian brand of paranoia about everything from hippies to rock n' roll to the media that manifested itself in a full-fledged enemies list. I suppose all that stuff has something to do with it, but I think the real reason I adore him is that he's simply the most notorious villain in the history of American politics. The subterfuge, the scheming. George Bush tried his damndest to usurp that title, but he was just too stupid. I like bad guys. Intelligent, piano playing bad guys are even better, and you could easily slap any number of these labels on our 37th president.

So, it follows that Frost/Nixon, the latest effort from sometimes good director Ron Howard, was one of the most anticipated movies of the year for me. And let me put your doubts to rest now: Frost/Nixon is not only a good film. It is unquestionably the greatest Richard Nixon film of all time.

Perhaps I'm biased. Of course I'm biased. Few people know that I keep the living brain of Nixon in a jar in the secret laboratory under my house. But even so, I can say objectively that Frank Langella's career-defining portrayal of Nixon is spellbinding from start to finish.

The premise is simple. British TV personality, David Frost, wants to boost his career by interviewing the disgraced former president. Nixon sees an interview with the popular but fluffy Frost as a chance to endear himself to the people and insert himself back into politics (and, tapping his mercenary side, there's also the matter of a few hundred thousand dollars). Now, along the way we get some nonsense from Frost's cohorts about wanting to, "give Nixon the trial he never had," and while Rebecca Hall looks great decorating scenes as Frost's main squeeze, the real point of this film is to watch Langella, who not coincidentally played Dracula (and Skeletor) once upon a time, disappear into the role of the ultimate slimeball politician, who, even in humiliation, can seduce his audience and his would-be hardball interviewer with ostensibly boring, strangely mesmerizing tales of heroism in his handling of China, Russia and the invasion of Cambodia. Langella is a dynamo all the way, culminating with a drunken, late night phone call to Frost on the eve of his Watergate interview. Here Langella ceases to be an actor. He's not channeling Nixon; he is Nixon, in all his jowl flapping glory.

I won't spoil the Watergate talks for you, but rest assured that when Frost finally applies the heat, Langella answers with a squirming, sweating vision of a broken man. It's more than Oscar-worthy; it's the reason why Langella is a top candidate for this year's McBone Award for Best Actor.

And yes, I know I'm fawning here. Tribute must be paid as well to Michael Sheen. He is excellent as David Frost, whose smiling veneer just barely conceals a man who is outmatched and knows his career is on the line.

Oh, and I should point out that the scenes with Kevin Bacon as Nixon's personal lapdog, Jack Brennan, are also quite entertaining.

Official McBone Rating: 5.0 McBones.

nwb

Blah, Blah, Blah

So, after listening to almost two hours of her down-home, chicken-fried brand of debate and speechifying (how many times can she say the word darn?) here's what I can deduce about Sarah Palin.

1) She's from A-LAska, by golly.

2) She supports tax cuts. This pretty much comprises one half of the Republican credo, even though taxes pay for our infrastructure, even though the economy was undeniably in better shape before the Bush tax cuts, even though many of the most successful nations in the world have much higher taxes than we do, even though so many of our citizens live without basic human needs, like health care, while CEOs are rewarded millions in severance for driving their companies into the ground.

3) She says the surge is working, but believes that a 16-month plan to withdraw from Iraq (Eye-rack) is "waving a white flag of surrender."

4) She insists that she's just like any other "Joe Six-Pack, hockey mom" American who wears a pair of 700 dollar glasses.

5) She supports energy independence, which is of course why it's SO critical that we win in Iraq and stay there for who knows how long. She also mentioned alternative fuels a total of zero times by my count.

6) She doesn't mind that same sex couples exist, just as long as they don't expect to be treated like straight couples.

7) "Nukiler." "Nuliker." "Noo-liquor." Whatever. She can't pronounce the damned word any better than that shithead president Bush. And she doesn't really care for diplomacy with countries she considers a threat, even though a lack of diplomacy created the greatest foreign policy catastrophe in recent memory. Of course "looking back" at past mistakes is something only losers like Joe Biden do.

8) Coming from the only arctic state, she has seen first-hand the frightening reality of global warming, and yet she doesn't really believe in it.

9) Hence she wants to drill, baby, drill!

10) She supports more regulation on Wall Street, even though she's on a ticket with a guy who has always endorsed deregulation.

That's about it for now, folks. I've been swilling martinis and I can't really keep this coherent anymore. Sarah Palin sucks. It's so obvious. I'm going to bed.

Alex's take: Obviously I think Biden is a zillion times better, but I'm kind of mystified that no one saw fit to mention the poor at all. These speeches were directed at the middle class and it seems to me that the reason for the omission is that they don't think the poor vote, so why bother? But then why would the poor bother voting if neither one of the VP candidates bothers addressing them even once?

nwb

I'm Pretty Sure I'll Never Vote Republican...

but this is probably the greatest campaign video of all time:



I'm pumped.  I hate guns, but I'd go shooting with Dale Peterson any day.  The Michael Bay inspired rapid fire direction of the video has me so fired up, I can't see straight.  Dale Peterson has me longing for the days when I was a republican for a month. 

What say, McBoners?  Who wants to go round up some illegals?  If my wife wasn't Venezuelan, I'd toss her ass back to Mexico in no time flat!

Gettin' it Back

I've never claimed to have deep reserves of that mysterious, mystical force called 'mojo.'  First of all, I'm about as white a white boy as you will find.  OK, maybe not Young Republican white, but I'm pretty goddam white, so that's one factor against me.  Also, I don't play guitar.  Unless your instrument is the triangle or you happen to be this guy, musicians generally have mojo to spare.

At one time, though, I did have a modicum of mojo.  You may counter that there is no such thing as 'blogger mojo,' but I disagree.  I have fun with this medium, and I daresay that Stabbone and McGraw has been better than the average blog (read: didn't quit writing it after 2 posts) since my idiot brother and I started this business back in 2007 with nothing but a dream, two laptops and a sizable grant from the NEA.  For five years McBone has kept my juices flowing.  You, gentle McBoners, have patiently indulged me.

Lately, though, you can hear the crickets chirp.  While it's true that I:

a) have a kid now,

and

b) have two jobs now (surprise, coworkers!),

I cannot say that those are the only reasons why my work here has declined in quantity and quality.  Yes, time is in short supply, but these days just beginning a post seems a monumental task.  I'm not lacking in ideas, really, just steam.

I'm not given to depression, but this is depressing the hell out of me.

I could stop fretting and call it a day, I suppose.  After all, it's just a blog.  Roughly 0 people would notice if I up and quit.  But I don't want to stop writing this thing, and anyway that wouldn't help.  I need an outlet, so instead of bitching about the McBone's decline and fall, I'm going to try and find some energy.  I won't get back to 10-15 posts a month anytime soon, but what I can do is write a little every day.  I'd be fine with that.

So there you have it.  We're making a comeback of sorts.  Rising from the ashes.  I don't know how this initiative will affect my output, but 15-20 minutes a day of creative exercise will do wonders for my mental well being.

As ever, we remain committed to:

Cleveland sports
Liberal politics
Martinis
Moustaches
The eradication of mayonnaise

I will close by saying I regret my previous comment regarding triangle players and humbly withdraw it.  Triangle players have crazy mojo.

You still suck, Kenny G.

nwb

Sarah Visits C-Town!

While Alex and I are very comfortably situated in Indiana, McBone laid its roots in Northeastern Ohio. We're proud of that fact, but we recognize that the region has seen better days. Last week VP hopeful Sarah Palin had the nerve to visit a city in which her party will be lucky to garner 35 percent of the vote this November. What the hell was she doing in Cleveland? Good question. Let's break down the numbers and see exactly why she had no business setting foot in the Forest City.

-Cleveland is annually listed as one of the two or three poorest cities in the United States.

-The per capita income in Cleveland is just over $14,000, compared to a national average of almost $39,000

-Over 25 percent of the population of Cleveland lives below the poverty line.

-Cleveland is 53 percent black and rising.

-Cleveland is 8 percent Hispanic and rising.

-Cleveland is 38 percent white and falling.

-A great many Clevelanders rely on welfare to survive from month to month.

-Cleveland, like many cities, has been decimated by suburbanization.

-Ten percent of homes in Cleveland are vacant.

-Cleveland public schools are among the worst funded in the nation.

-Cleveland is listed as the 7th most dangerous city in the United States.

So, poor and black. Sounds like a republican's dream right? Republicans, who thrive on helping the underprivileged and rebuilding cities. Republicans, who love pumping billions into public education. Republicans, who embrace diversity. Republicans, who have the best interests of our minorities at heart.

Whatever. Palin spent much of her visit avoiding reporters and sitting down with towering imbecile Sean Hannity for a high-pressure interview in which she touted the benefits of--get this--tax cuts and controlling government spending.

Sarah Palin, former mayor of a city of 6,000, governor of a state of 683,000. Her designer glasses represent about 5% of what the typical Clevelander earns in a year. What does she know about the needs of our crumbling urban centers? Nothing. Personally, I'll take Barack Obama, who cut his teeth as a community organizer in Chicago, in the fight against urban blight and poverty.

Go back to Alaska, Sarah Palin, and stay the hell away from Cleveland.

nwb

McBone Presents: The 2008-09 Aunt and Uncle Standings

Another year gone by, another year of aunting and uncling in the books. As expected, several solid performances were turned in, while others were somewhat wanting. Like always, the Aunt and Uncle Standings were compiled by a nonpartisan panel of nieces and nephews (me). Results are based on a full, twelve-month year of aunting and uncling and are in no way influenced by last year's standings.

Aunts

1. Ann - Aunt Ann's meteoric rise to the top will no doubt raise suspicions in rival aunts concerning a certain hot apple pie that was delivered to McBone HQ earlier this year.
2. Susan
3. Fay
4. Gail
5. Denise
6. Susan Good - Though recent revelations that she has been a longtime member of the Republican Party, the NRA and the Church of Scientology were not enough to cause such a shocking and catastrauphic fall, Aunt Sue has been unable to live down a quote that has dogged her since election night: I f---ing hate Obama.

Uncles

1. Glen - His understated yet rock-solid uncling skills have him back on top after an uncharacteristically poor showing in '07. Uncle Glen's accomplishment is even more impressive in light of the recent erratic behavoir of his wife, whom he has called a loose cannon and unstable.
2. Don Sims (no longer in family)
3. Pete
4. Al
5. Jeff
6. Ed
7. Don Holm - Uncle Don's patented brand of poor uncling has him mired in last place for the 18th consecutive year. His habit of dipping the mayonnaise knife into the mustard jar has only worsened in his advanced age, and should keep him glued to the bottom for the forseeable future.

nwb