Republican for a Month

Come on, liberals, admit it: you've wondered what it's like on the other side. I know I sure have. Hell, it's not easy living left of center, what with all this having to be environmentally conscious and being against the war and wanting equal rights for all people. It takes a toll.

Well, with only a week remaining before Alex and I make our move to the solidly red state of Indiana, I find myself ill prepared for five years entrenched in such heretofore hostile environs.

I'm also curious. That's why, as of now, I am officially and temporarily changing my allegiance. That's right, I'm jumping ship, pulling the old switcheroo, joining the dark side, as it were. I'm going to find out what it takes to be Republican for a month. And to whip myself into shape, I've compiled a list of activities, a daily regimen that I hope will bring out my latent conservative tendencies. They will include:

● Burning more fossil fuels. No more turning off lights just because I'm not using them. And the fuel efficient McBonemobile is going in the garage in favor of something decidedly less responsible:


● Denying global warming. What a relief it will be to finally not have to believe in this silly hoax just because it's supported by science.

● Not letting this guy steal my job:


● Voting down school levies. No more giving away my hard-earned money just for the sake of some crummy, underfunded public school.

● Supporting the war. I guess some taxes aren't so bad.

● Being afraid of homosexuals (or "homos," as I'll be calling them this month).

● Bitching about the size of government. Come on, people, let's privatize everything.

● Loving America. This means loving a lot of things, like freedom and liberty.

● Hating the terrorists. I'm going to spend all month hating the haters of freedom and liberty.

● Pulling myself up by my own bootstraps. This month I'm not accepting handouts or charity from anyone. Just don't even look at my bootstraps, all right?

● Watching Fox News.

● Praying the black guy loses.

● Observing the second amendment (see right).

● Defending my family (right again).

● Squeezing off a few rounds (yep, right).

● Not burning the American flag. I'm shitcanning this daily ritual of mine for a few weeks.

I know I have a challenge ahead, and I know it won't be easy. I'm counting on you, gentle McBoners, to keep me in check. Got anything else to add to my routine? Just list them here.

nwb