Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Nemesis Blogger Discovered!

Dormant ponytail
Very few bloggers have the advantage of encountering their blogging nemesis, but thanks to some canny fieldwork by a pair of McBone operatives, I've finally found mine.  Perhaps you've seen him too?  The guy with the ponytail fluttering in his wake?  That's him, all right.  I've even learned his name: Dino.  He'll be the one tailgating you in his Miata, the one who keeps asking how much you make at that job, the one staring at your sister's chest.

Dino is Greek, can't you tell?  He blogs about it constantly.  He's been to every Greek place in town and always writes a review afterward.  He's a harsh critic, my nemesis.  He takes points away for infractions like 'lamb a bit pink on the inside' and 'out of ketchup.'  Go ahead; go on a date with him.  It's his treat at The Acropolis.  Watch him pat the hostess' bottom and slip her a fiver on route to his 'favorite table.'  He'll order for you and insist you 'gotta try the ouzo at this place.'  No, don't roll your eyes when he asks if you've 'read any Socrates.'  Try to be patient when he sends 'this garbage' back to the kitchen and asks for 'some actual Greek food this time.'  That's just Dino being Dino.

Whatever you do, don't ask Dino to locate Greece on a map.

It's safe to engage Dino in conversation, but don't be surprised when he whips out his blackberry and interrupts your story with, 'sorry, just gotta check on my capital gains real quick.'

Dino is 5' 3" but insists it's a solid 5' 8 3/4".

He universally addresses men as 'brah'

He universally addresses women as 'babe.'

Dino had a tryout for an indoor soccer team in 2006.  You can read all about it on his blog.  Five years later he trolls the over 30 soccer leagues of Cleveland.  His fake ID has satisfied officials that he meets the league's minimum age requirement.

Active ponytail
Here he is advising an opponent to 'stick to softball' after scoring his 12th goal of the game.  There he is belittling a teammate for not making the extra pass.  The referee?  The incompetent should give his $15 dollars back, if you ask Dino.  No, Dino does not want to go out for drinks after the game; he demands that the team abstain from alcohol during the season.

Dino has two nipple rings.

You may be surprised to learn that my arch rival campaigned for Obama, the candidate whose bumper sticker he deemed would score him the 'most tail.'  Be careful!  Whatever you do, don't let him seduce you.  He'll tell you anything to get in your pants, but believe me, no matter what you may read on his blog, Dino does not:

love the Indigo Girls

want to paint you

adore children

meditate daily

worship his mother

own a Greek island

If you should chance upon Dino in the future, please do not let on that you know me or my whereabouts.  My rival can be quite the clever devil, but for now I'd like to keep the upper hand.



Kid Shay said...

You blew the doors wide open on this one. Not since "Dewey Defeats Truman" has a headline given me such chills.

I will consider myself warned.

Slider K. Shaftacular said...

Does this mean when Dino complimented me on my fleece he had disingenuous motives?