The arrival of the holiday season can only mean one thing at McBone: time to assess the year in aunting and uncling. Overwhelmed with more notes, statistics and data to pore over than ever before, we were forced to hire an assistant and purchase a state-of-the-art supercomputer to facilitate our tabulations. Though this kind of spending promises to enrage our more conservative legions by turning record surpluses in the McBone budget into billion-dollar deficits, we believe you cannot put a price on fairness and accuracy. The 13 aunts and uncles represented herein deserve nothing less.
1. Fay - Finally able to put the dogfighting scandal behind her.
2. Gail* - Minor dip for last year's champ for ignoring NPR's fall pledge drive.
3. Denise - Suffered a mild embarrassment from leaked cable calling Aunt Fay a 'hack.'
4. Ann - Decent finish attributable more to weak competition than any display of real aunting competence.
5. Susan G - The family's lone Tea Party candidate grossly neglected her aunting duties, choosing to spend much of the past year gunning down wolves from a helicopter.
6. Susan J - Seemed destined for victory until a recent Facebook declaration that she would be 'taking her talents to Pompano Beach.'
1. Pete - The fresh pot of gourmet coffee he brewed the other day makes him the only uncle who can safely answer the question: what have you done for me lately?
2. Glen - Strong overall performance, but failed to do the little things.
3. Jeff - Late slump in the standings after hogging the pickled eggs at Thanksgiving.
4. Al - Humdrum placing shows how out of touch he is with Joe Nephew.
5. Ed - Corpse discovered in trunk of car did him no favors.
T-6. Don S* (no longer in family) and Don H - So much for accuracy. A regrettable balloting malfunction has made it unclear who occupies the final two places. With both Uncle Dons declaring victory, a stalemate has been called. The official sixth-place finish represents a new high for Don H, who ends a string of 19 years as the lone occupant of seventh place.
*Denotes previous year's winner