With the polls closed, the ballots cast and counted, it's time to unveil the 2009-2010 Aunt and Uncle Standings. While rumors of widespread corruption made a costly and drawn-out recall vote seem probable, McBone-appointed diplomats have managed to avert such a crisis.
As always, the results, based on the judgment of a nonpartisan panel, are absolute. However, with the holiday season just around the corner, McBone would like to remind all eligible aunts and uncles that it's never too early to start thinking about next November.
1. Gail - Single-handedly put on one of the most bitchin' weddings in recent memory. The 40 gallon vat of clam chowder she concocted for the event remains the single best soup ever made by humankind.
2. Fay - This high water mark in her aunting career has a rejuvenated Aunt Fay sniffing next year's title.
3. Susan J. - Eroding skills? Another pedestrian finish for a three-time champ.
4. Denise - Plenty of talent. Needs to work on fundamentals.
*5. Ann - A hot apple pie bought her last year's title. This year's banana-lime Jell-O mold with Cool Whip could not hold onto it.
6. Susan G. - In fact, her all-around aunting performance was much improved after last year's dismal finish. Would have placed higher but for unsightly goiter.
1. Don S. (no longer in family) - I haven't seen former Uncle Don for like 25 years. But sometimes, less is more.
2. Al - Remains the tallest of the uncles. Also, the only uncle who can breakdance.
3. Ed - Impressive finish after finally retiring Fun in the Sun 1982 t-shirt earlier this year.
*4. Glen - A serious dip for funneling money to the Mongolian People's Revolutionary Party.
5. Jeff - His recent, loud declaration of loyalty to "Team Edward" left family members stunned and disturbed.
6. Pete - Steep decline reflects his decision to salvage long-coveted Fun in the Sun 1982 t-shirt for himself.
7. Don H. - Widely regarded as the LA Clippers of uncles, 2009-2010 figured to be the year Uncle Don climbed out of the cellar for the first time. Indeed, an hour's worth of sound financial advice last summer was factored in to the final tally. Uncle Don's mind boggling 19th straight year in the basement represents a continuing refusal to stop dipping the mayonnaise knife in the mustard jar.
*Denotes last year's winner