Thursday, September 27, 2007

Ten Things I Hate

Hate. It's a strong word and one of the most overused in the English lexicon. Let's face it, when it comes to our everyday speech patterns, we love to hate. But what is hate, really?'s entry for hate reads as follows: to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward.

I think the key word here is extreme. Hate is an extreme word that should, in reality, be reserved for things that truly elicit an extreme emotion.

With this in mind, I have compiled a list of things for which I feel an extreme aversion.

1. George W. Bush - His legacy will speak for itself: an unjustified war, tax cuts for the wealthy, abetting the energy industry, thwarting environmentalism, repressing gays, bungling Katrina, cronyism, torture, wiretapping, paranoia. Lately? He has vowed to veto a bill that will expand the State Children's Health Insurance Program by 35 billion dollars over 4 years, allowing 4 million of our nation's uninsured children to be covered. Meanwhile we hemhorrage billions into a bullshit war.

2. The New York Yankees - The Evil Empire of sports. Vile. Ruthless. Dispicable. For 100 years the Yankees have tortured my Indians and other rival baseball clubs, winning 39 pennants and 26 World Series since their inception in 1901. In recent history they have earned a playoff berth in 13 consecutive seasons, a run that includes 4 championships. How do they do it? Certainly not the old fashioned way. The Yankees overspend for free agent talent at every position, rarely cultivating players from their minor league system.

3. Mayonnaise (aka the White Menance) - Condiment of the damned. Creamy and repugnant, mayonnaise has been adulterating salads and sandwiches for centuries. My swimming pool in hell will be filled with this vile mixture of egg yolks and vegetable oil.

4. Homophobia - A charming sentiment that has the Larry Craigs of the world resorting to bathroom stalls.

5. Musicals - The Sound of Music, 42nd Street, West Side Story, Grease, Showboat, Guys and Dolls, Mary Poppins, Annie Get Your Gun, Phantom of the Opera, Cats, Oklahoma, Avenue Q, Thoroughly Modern Millie...the list goes on and on. At every turn there is some musical, some insufferably cornball musical, waiting to ruin my day.

6. Pollution - It's not so slowly killing the planet. Belongs higher on the list.

7. Gas pains - They can happen to anyone at any time. You know the feeling. There you are, minding your own business when it hits you, like cumbustion in the bowls. You double over, groan for mercy, try to break wind, but nothing works. Why in the name of all that is holy, must this affliction, one I could not in good conscience wish on my worst enemy, be borne?

8. Meat Loaf (the musician, not the food) - I hate Meat Loaf for two reasons: I Would Do Anything for Love, and, the worst song ever written, Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Arg! Arg! Arg!

9. American flag lapel pins - Found predominantly on the lapels of republican politicians, lest we forget: they're American and, dammit, they love America!

10. SUVs - Big, ugly guzzlers of gasoline.

Got any hates you'd like to express? Feel free to post 'em here!



Kid Shay said...

Man, it's like you read my mind today. I was just thinking up a short list of Most Hated of my own. Now I have a place to post it!

Big Business: This includes the big American auto makers, for blocking legislation to make cars safer and more fuel efficient, and for squeezing their employees for all they're worth, then firing them. Agro-business, for polluting our land with pesticides and unnatural amounts of cow manure. Also, strawberries that look like grapefruits. And of course the Healthcare industry, keeping people sick since the 70's.

Wind: the worst of nature's elements. Hard to walk in, worse to run or bike in. Carries dirt and plant particles that get in your face and make you sneeze.

Money: root of all evil.

Nausea: worse than a headache. Can't do anything but think about how awful you feel. Few known cures.

Country music that doesn't sound like country music: thanks, Shania Twain.

That's only a partial list, but I'm pretty sure those are the big offenders you didn't cover already.

Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...

Very nice, well thought out list. I'm definitely feeling some extreme aversion there.

Anonymous said...

I hate haters.

Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...

Well, you're no fun.

Anonymous said...