Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The State of the Vine

I stuck this Concord grapevine in the ground in August of 2009.  At the time, I was in the midst of co-writing what is, to date, my magnum opus.  A year and a half later, the book is a runaway bestseller, and, more improbably, I still haven't managed to kill the damned plant.  In fact, the warm weather and a wet couple of days seem to have coaxed some buds out of hiding.

Yes, I am aware that I wrote an almost identical post a year ago, but as my horticultural successes have thus far been limited to shower mildew and a pretty vigorous case of jock itch, I count this annual event as a thumping triumph.  With my confidence surging, I'm ready for new challenges.  Who knows what daring realms an amateur botanist full of gumption might explore?

'Avocado Pit with Rooster'

But now is no time to get cocky!  This is a vulnerable time for a grapevine.  As young, green shoots stretch their tender arms into the unknown, rabbits will be tempted to gnaw, gnaw, gnaw my poor vine to ribbons.  Fortunately, I have devised a number of bunny deterrents to safeguard against such villainy.

The possibility that our promising young Vitis labrusca will yield fruit in 2010 is remote.  For now, I will be patient and enjoy the aesthetic payoff of my viticultural enterprise.  Yeah, I know that a grapevine will never be mistaken for the more magnificent flowering plants of the world, but I'd like to see some precious fucking orchid come up with this:

Or even this:

Here's an idea: why don't you bite me, orchids?

So goddam pretentious. 


1 comment:

Kid Shay said...

All the great wine barons began with a similarly humble vine. Cheers to the beginning of your empire!