Thursday, January 27, 2011

Where's the Beef?

At least the Fritos are real.
In the warm, mellow afterglow of the State of the Union Address, it's only natural that we should set our differences aside and let our heretofore scattered consciousnesses collectively bend toward thoughts of what truly defines American exceptionalism.  I am of course referring to the dollar taco.

In the spirit of the moment, the deep thinkers at Taco Bell and Frito Lay have put their heads together to bring us a unique merging of faux Mexican flavorings:

The new 99-cent beefy crunch burrito, the crunch of flaming hot Fritos chips, seasoned beef and nacho cheese sauce...

Wait, wait, wait.  It's no mystery how much actual cheese can be found in 'nacho cheese sauce,' but let's back up to that 'beef' part for a second.

Because just what constitutes beef these days?  That's the question on everyone's mind as we learn of one law firm's effort to sue Taco Bell over the nomenclature of its signature seasoned beef filling.  The USDA defines beef as containing at least 70% cowflesh, with fat making up the balance.  Nutritionists at Taco Bell have a slightly different take on what the proportions should be.  Like, how does 35% beef sound?  Oh yes, it seems there's more filler in that filling than meets the eye. 

It does occur to us that anyone who makes a run to Taco Bell for a Frito-filled snack food doesn't give a good goddam what's in the taco, aside from the Fritos of course.  Still, such revelations do beg the question: what the fuck is in the beef?  We decided to send a sample to the lab.  Here were our findings:

Ground beef - 32%
Ground beak - 23%
Textured soy protein - 13%
Slurry - 10%
Sawdust - 6%
Dung - 5%
Crud - 3%
Unidentified scrapings - 2%
Cookie Crisp - 2%
Coffee grounds - 2%
Embryonic stem cells - 1%
Synthesized aluminum polyhydriglyceride - 1%
Proprietary blend of herbs and spices (sodium, artificial taco flavoring, paprika)

Thus is a Mexican delicacy made fully American:

1) Replace food with filler

2) Stuff with chips

3) Sell dirt cheap


This post is dedicated to the memory of fitness pioneer Jack LaLanne, who died Monday at the ripe age of 96.  Jack would tell us to put down that 99-cent beefy crunch burrito and do a jumping jack or two.



Anonymous said...

You forgot about mayo, I am sure there is a mayo type by-product in there somewhere.

McBone said...

The 'sour cream' substance is a close enough approximation to make me nervous.


Mari Ani said...

WOW. I hope the filler ingredients you have posted are a joke. If not, I will probably never eat at Taco Bell again.

McBone said...

Joke or not, you should probably avoid it anyways. That is McBone's official stance, and we're stickin' to it.