Sunday, May 23, 2010

You Win, Squirrels

This bird hopper is, at the moment, squirrel free.  Notice however the perfect path from tree to feeder that the half dozen or so resident squirrels have trod in their relentless pursuit of a delicious sunflower, safflower and peanut blend.

I have come to recognize several of the rogues.  Here are a few who occupy my most wanted list:

No Tail - I don't know how No Tail ended up with a stump where there should be a furry, fluffy tail, but given his proclivity for plundering seed and running amok, I have a feeling it was retribution for some sinister act of squirrel malfeasance.

Mangy - Hideous and diseased, Mangy, with fur covering barely half of his face and body, sends all the little critters running, bird and chipmunk alike.  His total lack of remorse is his personal "f*!# you!" to a world that both hates and fears him.

Red - As fearless as she is unprincipled, Red, our lone red squirrel, is pint-sized, whippet quick and willing to take on all challengers in the name of looting.

I am fighting a losing battle.  These "pretty rats," as my grandfather used to call them, will win.  I wouldn't mind if the squirrels were more like birds, popping over from time to time for a quick snack, but these little flea-infested bastards climb up and plant themselves interminably on the hopper, stuffing their bellies and cheeks with the precious seed while the birds, helpless against the bigger, smarter and stronger rodents, wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Only when the loathsome little devils are satisfied, or if I have chased them away for the billionth time, do the birds get a turn.

No Tail!  Mangy!  Red!  May you find yourselves in an infernal drey when death comes to claim you.  May the acorns be hollow and the feeders of hell filled with poison and sand!

nwb

6 comments:

Alexandra Hidalgo said...

Believe it or not, McBoners, Nate is not lying! These are pretty accurate descriptions of our squirrels. Though he left out the regular gray ones. I have to say that I personally like the squirrels because they're always there (usually on our feeders) when I look out the window and they give me pleasant little breaks from reading theory. There are no squirrels from my window in NYC right now, only the Empire State Building, though it is currently mostly covered in fog.

Kid Shay said...

You know, back when birds were dinosaurs, I don't recall them giving puny rodents any chances at all. This is just evolutionary payback.

Darin said...

When I lived in Denver my neighborhood had the FATTEST squirrels I have ever seen. My mom, being a true midwestern mom, once sent me some homemade Ohio Buckeyes. The sealed the delicious peanut butter and chocolate candies in a plastic bag, they wrapped the bag, then packaged it in a box that was sealed on all corners and sides with multiple layers of pakacging tape. And the box was left on our porch by the delivery service.

Those damn squirrels chewed through the tape, through the box, through the wrapping, through the plastic bag, nibbled on the buckeyes and decided they didn't like the delicious goods.

In the name of everything holy and delicious, take down these squirrels, Nate!

creative jenny said...

Here I am again, reading the text and enjoying it but... are the rats you talk about squirrels????
Last time I saw one was from Dennis's living room window in a beautiful and huge pine tree. Brown with the usual tail, eating the nuts and it felt like being at Dysney. Are you taling about these? don't know what a Mangy or a Red is, but... will work at finding out! thanks for sharing, I am your fan, really enjoy how you construct in words around the story you choose to write about.

Dennis B. said...

It is an almost lost battle...unless you increase the area of the square basing the feeder... that should help! They might chew themselves through layers of tape but i don't seem them flying for the moment (maybe this is the next evolutionary step)so i you close the "door" they will have a harder timer getting to that feeder...

creative jenny said...

I have a different war in my garden with a troop of oversexed cats who party all night in my terrace and believe they can sing as Pavarotti. My sleep becomes like a Xmas tree blinking lights. Picking up their smelly bowel movements is a daily routine...nasty. Last night I found out that the sudden and histerical barking of 2 neighbour dogs is triggered when the cats are in the street preparing for either war or sex. I will now buy myself a water gun and give it a go!
Tip for your rats. Can you cover the seeds with a chicken net? Birds can reach through the holes but squirrels may not?
Just a thought! good luck