Sunday, March 28, 2010

Owen Wilson, Stop Making Bad Dog Movies

In 2001 a movie called The Royal Tenenbaums hit the theaters.  It was co-written by and starred a young actor named Owen Wilson and it was awesome.  In fact, it was so awesome that I regard it as one of the two greatest comedies of all time (the other being Kind Hearts and Coronets), and yes, I have seen them all.

Owen Wilson made his first dog movie in 2008.  It co-starred Jennifer Aniston and some dog.

Owen Wilson's second dog movie, based on the daily newspaper comic Marmaduke, is coming soon to theaters.  If you've ever had the misfortune of reading Marmaduke, you know it's a terrible cartoon.  Essentially, it involves the daily hijinks of a big dog.  Usually the hijinks revolve around eating 'people food,' as illustrated in the above panel, or destroying the house in which he lives, or both.  If Marmaduke was a real life dog, he would be taken out to the woods by his owners and very lovingly shot.

Well, someone saw enough potential in this lousy single panel comic to merit a whole feature-length movie.  Once they realized that a hungry dog wasn't satisfactory for a two hour film, they decided that Marmaduke should be a talking hungry dog.  When this still wasn't enough, a talking cat was recruited.  When that still wasn't enough, hundreds of talking dogs were brought in.  Naturally, someone had to do the voice work for these roles.  Enter Owen Wilson.

Warning to Owen Wilson fans, or anyone over 3 years old: watching this trailer in its entirety will make you weep for humanity:



Did you make it through the line dancing?  If you did, congratulations.  You have successfully not barfed on your computer.

Now, please don't misunderstand me.  I know that Owen Wilson has had some problems, that he survived a suicide attempt and clearly has some grave emotional issues.  He's also made some questionable choices along the way.  We can forgive that.  But we're calling for a moratorium on the dog movies.  I know the guy has talent.  I know he's creative.  If I had one wish right now, you know what I'd wish for? I'd wish for the real Owen Wilson to come back.*

Or maybe I'd ask for a daily comic about animals that actually makes me laugh.

nwb

*Not true; I'd ask for a million more wishes!

7 comments:

Slider K. Shaftacular said...

I would need to see stronger evidence that Owen Wilson has "talent".

Kid Shay said...

Fifty bucks says not a single kid who goes to see that movie has even heard of the comic.

Owen Wilson can cash a paycheck with the best of 'em. Bill Murray, I'm looking at you.

Darin said...

Owen Wilson is good when he's part of a duo or ensemble - whether its writing or acting. I've yet to see him carry a movie on his own.

You are correct in naming Kind Hearts and Coronets as one of the best comedies. If there are McBoners out there who have not seen it, they need to rent it. Now. Alec Guinness, unlike Owen Wilson, carried the film with the support of himself, himself, himself, himself, himself, himself, and himself.

Anonymous said...

Matthew will make mr go see that with him.

MPF

Anonymous said...

Good lord, not another friggin' dog film! Must be the only way Wilson can find work these days. Tragic.

Gotta hand it to Darin. When have we ever seen Owen Wilson carry a movie (he can steal a movie from time to time like Bottle Rocket, You, Me, and Dupree or Meet The Parents, but never play the lead man )?

I really miss the Anderson/Wilson writing collaborations. I still think neither have achieved what they did in BR, Rushmore, or The Royal Tenenbaums. BTW, the commentary on Rushmore with Anderson and Wilson is fantastic and a great insight into their thought process.

-kb

McBone said...

Shaft, I fully understand. He can suck and suck badly. In fact he usually sucks.

Kid Shay, Don't tell me you didn't see the Garfield movies.

Darin, Agreed. Team him with Wes Anderson or Vince Vaughan and he's good. Other stuff, not so much.

I second your call for all McBoners to see Kind Hearts. There is simply no other film like it.

Mike, Bleh. Enjoy.

nwb

McBone said...

Dave,

Yep, those first few collaborations were truly great. I thought Tenenbaums was their crowning achievement thus far. Hopefully, they can recapture the magic.

nwb