In 2001 a movie called The Royal Tenenbaums hit the theaters. It was co-written by and starred a young actor named Owen Wilson and it was awesome. In fact, it was so awesome that I regard it as one of the two greatest comedies of all time (the other being Kind Hearts and Coronets), and yes, I have seen them all.
Owen Wilson made his first dog movie in 2008. It co-starred Jennifer Aniston and some dog.
Owen Wilson's second dog movie, based on the daily newspaper comic Marmaduke, is coming soon to theaters. If you've ever had the misfortune of reading Marmaduke, you know it's a terrible cartoon. Essentially, it involves the daily hijinks of a big dog. Usually the hijinks revolve around eating 'people food,' as illustrated in the above panel, or destroying the house in which he lives, or both. If Marmaduke was a real life dog, he would be taken out to the woods by his owners and very lovingly shot.
Well, someone saw enough potential in this lousy single panel comic to merit a whole feature-length movie. Once they realized that a hungry dog wasn't satisfactory for a two hour film, they decided that Marmaduke should be a talking hungry dog. When this still wasn't enough, a talking cat was recruited. When that still wasn't enough, hundreds of talking dogs were brought in. Naturally, someone had to do the voice work for these roles. Enter Owen Wilson.
Warning to Owen Wilson fans, or anyone over 3 years old: watching this trailer in its entirety will make you weep for humanity:
Did you make it through the line dancing? If you did, congratulations. You have successfully not barfed on your computer.
Now, please don't misunderstand me. I know that Owen Wilson has had some problems, that he survived a suicide attempt and clearly has some grave emotional issues. He's also made some questionable choices along the way. We can forgive that. But we're calling for a moratorium on the dog movies. I know the guy has talent. I know he's creative. If I had one wish right now, you know what I'd wish for? I'd wish for the real Owen Wilson to come back.*
Or maybe I'd ask for a daily comic about animals that actually makes me laugh.
*Not true; I'd ask for a million more wishes!