Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Night of Darkness, Did I Qualify for the Guinness Book of World Records?


Yes, that's right, I'm pretty sure I qualified.  Although the Guinness Book staff claimed they were too busy covering the Cavaliers "Snuggie" night to be present for this event; you will soon certainly agree that I should be inducted into the book.  In their defense, I guess no one could have predicted what was about to happen on the night of March 13th, 2010 at approximately 10:30pm.
It happened so fast.  One minute I was enjoying a Bombay martini and watching a fantastic MAC championship game, the next minute I was right smack in the middle of my worst nightmare.  YES, on this night I was faced with the all-time and permanent #1 McBone Enemy, MAYONNAISE.  An enormous, white, pasty, disgusting glob of the nastiest substance on the face of the Earth.  My loving girlfriend standing there practically wetting her pants with enjoyment from my distress.  My competitive nature and devotion to the city of Akron got the best of me.  I made a foolish bet and put my life in jeopardy.  Yes, the Bombay was mostly responsible, but I never thought the Bobcats could pull it out.  I had to take the chance, knowing the reward would be seeing one of the pickiest eaters on the face of planet ingest Anchovies.  I made a mistake that will live with me for the rest of my mayonnaise free life.

I would say Lauren had about 2 tablespoons of the white menace on that cold metal spoon.  Just that morning I had used that same spoon to devour a delicious bowl of Captain Crunch.  Now it was set to deliver a knock-out punch that may in fact send me to the hospital, or worse.

After five minutes of stalling and pacing throughout the kitchen, I knew I had to confront my demons.  So the moment was upon me.  Lauren lifted the spoon towards my mouth and the mayonnaise passed my lips.  I closed down and she pulled the spoon back.  I barely had time to realize that two tablespoons of mayonnaise were currently inside of my body before a light brighter than the sun flashed in front of eyes. I found myself floating above my own body wondering what possibly could have just happened.  I lost consciousness.

When I came to about 10 minutes later only the witnesses of this atrocity could fill me in on what happened. Allegedly the mayonnaise lasted less than a half second in my mouth before I projectile vommited into the sink.  I contest that if a representative from the Guinness book of World Records would have been present, and if there was a record for fastest puke time, I would have blown the record away. My body had obviously already anticipated what was about to happen, and summoned my gag reflex to protect against any white devilish paste that would try to enter my stomach.  Not one single drop was actually ingested but that certainly does not make up for my egregious lack of judgment. 

So far I've only had three nightmares about that night, but hopefully those will subside with time, intense counseling and self-reflection.  I want to make a formal apology to a few people in particular:  McBone Nation, all of the McBoners and McBloggers, The Northern Ohio Mustache League, the Anti-Mayonnaise McBones and McBoners, and most importantly to the executive front office and staff of McBone Inc.  I ask simply for your forgiveness and understanding during this horrific time for my family and me.  We ask for your privacy and consideration as we try to move forward and put the pieces of our lives back together.  In the meantime I believe it is only right to take a temporary leave of absence from McBone, and concentrate on me. 
Thank you all for your continued support.  The outpouring of love and understanding from our fans has been overwhelming.  I can promise you one thing; when I return to McBone I will be a better, stronger and more fierce McBoner than ever before.  McBone will continue to grow and flourish under the direction of our staff and supporters.
Thank you.

jab

2 comments:

Darin said...

Hopefully you learned from you past experience and didn't make a lucrative bet that Georgetown would win the first round of the NCAA tournament.

McBone said...

Safe to say, my idiot brother learned his lesson.

nwb