Somewhere out there, blogging his (or her!) brains out, is my diametric opposite, my antithesis, my arch nemesis. I don't know if he is aware of me, but I am aware of him and I have a fairly clear picture of what he's like.
My arch nemesis will be proudly blond, but unable to abide a single hair growing on his body. You will see him at the gym every day obsessing over his body fat. Like a moth to flame, you may find yourself drawn to him. His blogging topics are pretty consistent:
He thinks that people in Venezuela all speak Mexican.
He thinks the Earth still needs to be peopled.
He loves late Heathcliff more than early Heathcliff.
He wishes his wife's fake breasts were just a little bigger.
He buys 64 gallon cups of Mountain Dew, then disposes of his empties in my yard.
He leaves his Hummer's motor running in the parking lot all day while he's at work at Halliburton.
He loves the New York Yankees and Ronald Reagan equally.
He can barely contain his outrage that Michael Bay has yet to win an Oscar.
His celebrity crush is Megan Fox.
He thinks the "Chan" in Chan Marshall is pronounced like it's spelled.
He makes love in a hot tub filled with mayonnaise.
He sips $90 bottles of wine and describes them as "reticent," "flippant," and "enigmatic."
He shows his NRA membership card to everyone he meets.
He thinks McBone is something McDonald's employees do during 15 minute breaks.
He thinks Al Pacino is the greatest actor of all time.
He thinks literature begins and ends with The Firm.
He thinks wind energy is "gay."
One thing I know my nemesis is not: a fool. No indeed. If he is out there, he will reveal himself when the time is right. Just know, rival blogger, I am ready. The McBoners are ready. We stand united against you. The Sword of Damocles hangs but an inch above your precious blond head.