Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hey Indiana, Can You Please Start Selling Alcohol on Sundays?

Hey Indiana, I have a confession to make.  When I first learned that we would be moving to Ohio's next door neighbor, I was a little nervous.  Well, I underestimated you, and it was unfair.  When I swore you would vote McCain, you chose Obama.  When I expected mile after mile of flat farmland, you showed me idyllic country roads that pass through charming towns of antebellum architecture.  You have parks, cities, sports teams, universities of great renown.  You have microbreweries and wineries....

Which brings me to the crux of this post, and here I'm forced to alter my tone a little, because while the Hoosier State is great indeed, you're not perfect, and I have to ask you what the hell is going on with this Sunday ban on alcohol sales?  I mean, are you kidding me, Indiana?  Are you honestly for real about this thing?  Do 94-year-old teetotalers hold so much sway over state legislators that an honest guy or gal can't walk into a grocery store on a Sunday, slap down a few hard-earned bucks and walk out with a well-deserved six pack?  Who are you, Indiana, that when I'm in dire need of a bottle of wine to take to a dinner I've been invited to, you have the nerve to say no, I may NOT go to the local wine store and get some sound advice on a good Cab Franc?  As if my money, which you're perfectly willing to let me spend on booze any other day of the week, suddenly isn't green on a Sunday.  And, hey, what about football?  Do you realize what day the majority of NFL games are played?  Are you aware that football is the most popular professional sport?  Do you know what legions of football fans like to drink while watching the game and devouring all manners of greasy, salty and fried foods?  I invite you, Indiana, to offer a Colts fan a refreshing glass of Tang to wash down that pile of buffalo wings.  Go on, I dare you! Just see what happens.  I promise I'll be laughing in your face.

Now, this might be a touchy subject, Indiana, but is this a church thing?  Because that stuff doesn't apply here at McBone, or to a lot of Indianans, so how about this for an idea: for those people who think it's wrong to buy alcohol from a liquor, convenience or grocery store on a Sunday, even though anyone over 21 with the proper ID can waltz into a bar or restaurant (or a winery!) and drink themselves into oblivion and drive home, I say ok--those people are perfectly welcome to refrain from doing so.  Only don't tell me I can't, because you know what else?  After 21 long, hard years of livin', I deserve to kick back with a cocktail, beer or glass of wine, no matter the day of the week.  Stock up on Saturday you say?  Bite me, I say.  What if Sunday is the only day I can manage to shop?  Do you know how infuriating it is to have a pimply, 16-year-old clerk at the Kroger tell me in a barely pubescent voice that I can't buy that case of Sam Adams?  I know it's not his fault, but I still get the urge to rip all $10,000 worth of dental work from his mouth.

So, Indiana, my friend, begone with antiquated laws.  Prohibition on any day is wrong, plain wrong.  Let the chains blocking the beer aisle be broken!  Let the liquor stores open!  Let the booze flow, seven days a week!  Who's with me?



Kid Shay said...


I mean, I am.

Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...

I knew I could count on Falling Rock National Park.