Monday, July 14, 2008

Nate the Republican; The First Hours

Since being a Republican is new to me, I thought I might keep a journal to document the experience. Here are a few notes from the early stages of my temporary conversion.


7:55 AM. Awoke after long, sensual dream about tax cuts. Got up and purchased Quicken on Amazon. Began drooling uncontrollably.

8:30. Read the Wall Street Journal instead of the usual sports page and funnies.

8:51. Looked at New York Times. Threw up.

11:45. Overwhelming desire to have a power lunch and broker a deal. Remembered I have no suit. Or job.

11:52. Got nervous about not having job. Tried pulling bootstraps. Couldn't find them.

2:38 PM. Had fit of nostalgia contemplating my past as a flaming liberal. Quickly tuned into Rush. Fit subsided immediately.

3:14. Bob Dylan record curiously offensive. Switched to Toby Keith. Strong urge to stick my boot up the ass of a terrorist. Settled for dog.

4:40. Veterinarian successfully extracted boot from the ass of dog.

6:30. Dinner conversation with freedom-hating, immigrant wife turned into shouting match:

Wife: This is stupid, baby. You're a liberal.

Me: Oh, go back to Mexico.

Wife: I'm Venezuelan.

Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have another taco.

6:38. Drove around block to cool off. Passed by Planned Parenthood. Wished I knew how to make Molotov cocktails.

7:13. Returned home. Did internet research on how to make Molotov cocktails.

8:45. Emptied recycling bin into regular trash.

9:38. Emptied regular trash into Lake Erie.

10:19. Decided I hate unions.

10:20. Wrote angry letter to NBC about the liberal use of profanity ("damn," "darn," "jeepers-creepers,") in their programming. Wrote angry letter to CBS about Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at Super Bowl XXXVIII in 2004. Wrote complimentary letter to Fox about the expert journalism skills of the huggable Bill O'Reilly.

11:30. Went to bed imagining I was waterboarding towelheads with Ann Coulter.



Kid Shay said...

As a Republican you'll enjoy this: Michelle Malkin, unabashed conservative and hater of liberals, is a fellow Oberlin grad. I can't imagine what her experience must have been on campus.

Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...

As a Republican, Michelle Malkin lives in my fantasies, surpassed only by the skeletally alluring Ann Coulter.