Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Few Little-Known Facts About Satan

Mad scientists, Dracula, Dr. Octopus, Hitler, the Boogeyman--add them up and you don't even get a fraction of one percent of the total evil that is Satan.  The scariest part?  He's everywhere--lurking in the shadows, behind a tree, upstairs, downstairs; he's right there with you now, at your dinner table, swimming in your vichyssoise.  Try though you might, you cannot hide, and he so wants you to do bad things.  Can you hear him whispering in your ear? He's telling you to sleep with the neighbor's wife, to have a third piece of cheesecake, to join Al-Qaeda.  You know it's wrong, and yet, and yet...

To be fair though, there's more to Satan than unrelenting malevolence.  Keep reading; you might have more in common with Satan than you think! 

Alternate names: Anyone who owns a status as iconic as Satan's is bound to have a lot of nicknames.  Here are just a few: Lucifer, the Devil, the Antichrist, Lefty, Moloch, the King of Lies, Tom Tomatosauce, the Lord of the Flies, Papa Legba, Old Scratch, Beelzebub, Belial, Baphomet, Big Red, Bud Selig.

Recent Tweet: kanye n taylor @ the vmas...lmfao!!!

Mayonnaise: Verily, the rivers of hell flow not with lava or boiling sulfurous water, but with mayonnaise.  Though some might think that a spicy mustard would be the preferred condiment in the abyss, Satan is in fact a mayonnaise lover who will use mayo in anything from his morning Raisin Bran to a root beer float.

Favorite Beatle: Paul

Favorite comic strip: The Middletons

Favorite emotion: Despair

Music: The connection that Satan has with music is well documented.  One common misconception is that the Dark Lord is a lover of Delta blues.  On the contrary!  After a long day of collecting souls, Satan is much more likely to sit back in his den with a sloe gin fizz and the mellow sound of James Taylor.  Other favorites include: Barbara Streisand, Michael Bolton, Richard Marx, Seal and REO Speedwagon. However for Satan, nothing can top this unforgettable hit, which runs on a continuous loop on Hell's public address system.

Favorite book: Tuesdays with Morrie

Hangouts: Want to make a deal with the Devil?  Satan can always be found lurking near the crossroads.  Still can't find him?  Check the Sbarro.

Favorite movie: The Bridges of Madison County

Favorite flavor of ice cream: Butterscotch

Celebrity crush: Barbara Hershey

Personal advisor: Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Pet peeve: Dr. Laura's hair in the drain

People he loves to hate: God, Mother Theresa, Chelsea Clinton

Jesus: Though they are arch rivals for your everlasting soul, Satan and Jesus share a mutual love for the Red Wings hockey, mah jong and labradoodle puppies.



Kid Shay said...

I bet Satan was sad when Wings broke up.

Also, I've always wanted to know: does Old Scratch prefer Damon or Affleck?

Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...

Neither, he a Tom Hanks man all the way.