Food. I love it, but I know its dark side, a vast and terrible place that surrounds us like a bottomless, black sea. Many times I've taken it upon myself to test the waters for the greater good. God knows I've whittled years off my lifespan by ingesting Twinkies, Slim Jims, even--heaven help me--candy corn. Heroic? Sure, but even I have my limits. Call me a coward*; I just don't think I can bring myself to eat one of these:
Is this what we've been reduced to? An 25 cent, 7-Up flavored** 'pound cake?' Are the makers of dessert snacks so cynical and our love of soft drinks and individually wrapped confections so profound? Has all the work I've done been for naught? What's next? Bacon-flavored mayonnaise?
With dismay I prophesy a 250-pound, pre-diabetic fourth grader washing a couple of these these down with a can of 7-Up. Little Billy cracks open the can, and the blood-dimmed tide is loosed.
*Like my wife did.
**Also available in Orange and Grape Crush flavors.