Wednesday, June 24, 2009

No Djoke; I Will Win Wimbledon.

Wimbledon, the holy grail of tennis championships. Admittedly, the luster of my Austrialian Open victory has faded somewhat since 2008. A string of frustrations in major tournaments hasn't been much fun for me or my fans, and perhaps my skills have eroded somewhat. Particularly humiliating was being forced to retire from this year's Aussie Open due to heat cramps and exhaustion. I guess I wasn't quite in tip-top condition to defend my title. Hey, you try writing two books, a blog, working full time as a bookstore accountant, stumping for Malia Obama and staying on top of your tennis game. That's a lot to juggle, and it ain't easy, bub, let me tell you. My wife has been an absolute saint through all this, bless her, and has even volunteered a few hours a week to answer my fan mail.

I promise to make it up to her someday, but for now, the competitive fires burn. Just today I dispatched Simon Greul in straight sets to breeze through the opening round. Up next is Mardy Fish, the 28th seed, and I promise you that this is one Fish that I won't let off the hook. Figuratively speaking, of course.

The march to victory at Wimbledon won't be easy. Even if I do advance deep into the tournament, that insufferable Federer and his five titles are ever looming. Not that I'm afraid, mind you. Anything but. How I'd love to wipe the smirk off his stupid Swiss face.

Wish me luck, McBoners, and see you at the finals!



Anonymous said...

I will be waiting for you, my Serbian foe, in my white military suit with suit coat and pants.

I look forward to real competition since these opening rounds have been quite a relaxing fare.

So, good luck to you, my friend, and eagerly await our match.

Roger Federer

Kid Shay said...

When I first laid eyes upon you in that bookstore in Colorado, I said to myself, "that man could be tennis champion of the world."

What is your training regimen? Have you been swallowing raw eggs and swatting frozen meat with your racquet?

Anonymous said...

it is scary how much you look like him..

ps: huge trade by the CAVS! I want an exclusive article dedicated to Lebron and Shaq!


Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...

Roger: you are DOOMED.

Josh: I drink 3 quarts of buffalo semen per day.

Jeff: look like who?


Anonymous said...

Congrats on your victory, Novak.

Once I finished my other foe, Robin Soderling, on Monday, I will be looking forward to your downfall in the Semifinals.

down to business,

Roger Federer

Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...


Bring it on.

But who is this "Novak" you keep talking about?