Monday, December 1, 2008

Mayo Labs: A Growing Menace

Hello McBoners. I hope we are all sufficiently recovered from our turkey-induced stupors to discuss a matter of grave importance. Actually, holiday time is the perfect opportunity to renew our battle against the White Menace. Thanksgiving leftovers abound. Turkey sandwiches are in high demand. We all know what that means, right? Sure we do: turkey, lettuce and tomato on wheat, and just a dollop of something to give your midnight snack a little moisture. The mustard is right there in the fridge, but most Americans reach for quite another jar, which begs the question: just where did that mayonnaise come from?

By now McBone has clearly outlined the ill effects of mayonnaise and mayonnaise consumption to our billions of readers worldwide, but perhaps we've been remiss in not detailing just how easy it is to manufacture this destructive and habit-forming substance right at home. The raw materials are dirt cheap, and most kitchens are equipped with the necessary means for immediate production. Please observe the following video. Warning: what you are about to watch is disturbing and may induce continuous and possibly fatal vomiting:

Now, one of the really typical responses I hear whenever I voice my abhorrence to the White Menace is that mayonnaise is somehow acceptable because of the innocuous nature of its ingredients. It's just eggs, oil and vinegar, they say. And to that I say, sure, and heroin is just poppies. Crack cocaine is just coca plants. And Twinkies are just enriched wheat flour, sugar, corn syrup, water, high-fructose corn syrup, vegetable and/or animal shortening, dextrose, whole eggs, modified corn starch, cellulose gum, whey, leavenings, salt, cornstarch, corn flour, corn syrup solids, mono and diglycerides, soy lecithin, polysorbate 60, dextrin, calcium casenate, sodium stearol lactylate, wheat gluten, calcium sulphate, natural and artificial flavors, caramel color, sorbic acid (to retain freshness), yellow #4 and red #40.

Totally harmless, right? McBone knows better, and so does our mayonnaise offender, who operates under the nom de guerre 'Chef John' and wisely hides his face in the video. Don't be fooled by his casual banter and inane joking. Instead, pay attention to the crime he commits with these otherwise lovely ingredients, whipping them into a pus-like substance with which he then defiles an innocent slice of bread. And how he taunts us by shoving the Condiment of the Damned directly into the camera and, thus, our faces. His manner may seem genial and his kitchen looks clean enough, but make no mistake: mayo labs are highly toxic spaces. Houses that are raided are almost invariably declared uninhabitable and demolished. Even neighboring homes are at risk. Buyer beware. Do you know what's cooking next door? Better be sure before you sign that mortgage agreement.

Tragically, every neighborhood has a Chef John or two. The scary part is, you never know which house might contain a secret mayo lab. If you suspect a possible mayo lab in your area, contact our emergency mayonnaise hotline immediately. The AMA will dispatch a unit immediately. Together we can reverse this terrible trend and reclaim our streets from ruthless mayonnists everywhere.



Kid Shay said...

A truly glorious return!

You can make mayo with everyday ingredients. You can also make a bomb with everyday ingredients. Coincidence? I think not.

Anonymous said...

I just puked...I will never look at Mayo the same ever again


Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...

That's right, Jeff. Did you see how MUCH mayo he spread on that slice? What a sicko.