Meet the McBonemobile II

It was with no small measure of sadness that we said goodbye last week to a faithful friend.  Though the McBonemobile was known by many names in many parts, we called her Serafina Pekkala, after the powerful witch of the His Dark Materials saga (and with a nod to the bewitching actor who translated the role to film).  Like a storm-heavy cloud Serafina patrolled the roads of West Lafayette, ready at all times to unleash her merciless form of justice.

Yes our little Honda served us well in nearly 4 years together.  She was good to us, even if we didn't always do right by her:

Serafina, meet mailbox. Mailbox, Serafina

The old gal could've gone another billion miles for sure, but with a half-baked bun in the oven, it was time to trade our two door coup for something more practical.  Behold this red-hot hunk of a 2008 Kia Rondo, the McBonemobile 2.0, aka Fawkes:

Parked at McBone HQ in Akron, OH

Named by my sometimes-pregnant wife for the incendiary phoenix of the Harry Potter septrilogy,* Fawkes offers the quadruple advantage of breakneck speed, state-of-the-art gadgetry, world-class safety and sophisticated style and comfort.  Best of all, this low-mileage used vehicle has a clean history.  The previous owner must have been a really responsible, down-to-earth person.

Like a caged eagle, the McBonemobile idles impatiently in the driveway, practically begging for the chance to dig his talons into the rodent scum of Tippecanoe County.

Though the name Kia may not call to mind some of the sexier autos of the world, this fella packs a more than a few surprises: 

-Powerful 550 hp, V-12 engine

-Room for 7 adults (or 5 Americans)

-Flux capicitor/MP3 jack

-100% Squirrelskin interior

-Taco bar

-GPS system voiced by, depending on gender or sexual orientation of driver, Zooey Deschanel or James McAvoy.

A few demerits are warranted for decreased fuel efficiency, but we will attempt to limit our carbon footprint by eliminating a few wasteful luxury items from our lives (planetarium, electric refrigerator).

Watch out, villains of Indiana; the blood-dimmed tide has been loosed on yo asses.

nwb

*I like Harry Potter.  Sue me.

Meet the McBonemobile

Behold the sleek lines and menacing stealth of the McBonemobile, AKA Serafina Pekkala.

She's a beauty, I know, but there's more to the McBonemobile than just looks.  Housing a souped up yet highly efficient 1.7 liter engine with 127 horses pulsating beneath the hood, Serafina frequently reaches velocities that would have demolished land speed records in the 1920s.

Should you hear a deafening roar and spy a mysterious vapor rising from the scorched asphalt, you'll know the McBonemobile has just blazed through your neighborhood, burning rubber in the name of justice.

The "EX" stands for "EXtremely disgusted by the continued legality of mayonnaise production, retail and consumption in this country."

Named for the goddam hottest witch ever to straddle a broomstick, Serafina Pekkala's sex appeal has often made her a target of thieves, all of them lusting to settle into her soft interior contours.

 

Happily, a state-of-the-art "car alarm," conceived and installed by the McBone engineering team, has thus far proved more than a match for a criminal class that would use this ultimate weapon in their sinister quest to bring the sandwich world to its knees.

The McBonemobile! You may not see her, hear her or even think about her, but isn't it nice to know she is there, ever vigilant and on the prowl?

nwb