So, I Guess the Pigeon Never Made It

Joe Biden. What an obvious and disappointing candidate for vice president he is. I mean, I get it. Obama clearly wanted to answer his critics by addressing his so-called weaknesses. One knock we keep hearing is that, with a mere two terms in the Senate under his belt, Obama is too inexperienced to hold the highest office in the land. Well, Joe Biden sure has experience; he's been a senator since 1912, when he won his seat from incumbent Anatole Stanko. Another one is that Obama is particularly weak on foreign policy. Foreign policy happens to be one of Joe Biden's true strengths. After all, we're bombing the shit out of Iraq at least in part because of his vote to go to war. You don't get to be chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee for nothing.

Seriously though. While the choice of Joe Biden doesn't make me want to do somersaults, I'm not projectile vomiting, either. I guess Obama thought it prudent to hire a gray-haired insider to secure the vote of those who feel more comfortable with, well, a gray-haired insider.

Anyway, the point is: Joe Biden was never McBone's choice for VP. The following is a list of five candidates that McBone submitted to the Obama campaign back in June via carrier pigeon. I can only assume the pigeon didn't make it. I was going to email him too, but then Grand Theft Auto came out and, well, you know...

Here's the list!

1. Jimmy Carter

While I can't take credit for creation of the Obama/Carter ticket, it certainly had McBone's full endorsement. I mean, if you have to have an aged white male living at One Observatory Circle, why not make him a Nobel Prize-winning champion of peace and equality? Jimmy Carter is Dick Cheney's diametric opposite, which is exactly what the world needs right now.

2. Mike Gravel.

Or how about a non Nobel Prize-winning champion of peace and equality? Am I beating a dead horse with this Mike Gravel thing? I dunno. When a guy comes right out and says in a debate that the military industrial complex controls our government, I have to applaud. And agree. Because it's true.

3. Iron Man.

You wanna get tough on foreign policy? You wanna find Osama bin Laden? You wanna end the war on terror right now? Here's your man. Tony Stark would fly right into those mountains on the Afghan-Pakistani border and nail bin Laden and all of his Taliban thugs and still make it back in time to pose for the cover of GQ. Sure, you'd have to put up with the occasional sex scandal, but what the hell? It worked for Bill Clinton. Who also posed for GQ, and has many suits--one of them is probably made of iron.

4. Amazing Larry.

If you don't know who Amazing Larry is, then you need to watch Pee-wee's Big Adventure right now. And shame on you. Watch it, and I think you'll agree--Amazing Larry would live up to his name in the office of vice president.

5. This chick* we saw at the fair at Sheffield Lake.

We don't know who she is or what she does for a living or, actually, what we were doing at the fair at Sheffield Lake. We aren't sure what her views are on foreign policy, or if she has any views on foreign policy, or if she even knows what foreign policy is. I do know we were all strangely captivated by her, so much that our friends Craig and Jessica snapped this furtive picture. No doubt she would captivate the voting public, too. Have you ever seen four people simultaneously fall in love with someone? I swear it happened on that hot summer day when this chick wandered toward us and got in line for a funnel cake. Where are you, oh Sheffield Lake girl of our dreams? Where are you when your nation needs you most?

So there you have it. Any of the five, I am convinced, would have been a fine choice for VP. A better choice than Joe Biden, you ask? Time will tell, but I'm inclined to say, yeah, probably.

nwb

*McBone objects to the use of the word "chick" to describe a woman, but we feel that in certain rare cases, it applies.