Tuesday, April 22, 2008
McBone, AMA Uncover Evil Underground Mayonnaise Ring!
Risking contamination and other long-term health risks, McBone agents last night uncovered an underground mayonnaise ring in Bath, Ohio, an affluent suburb of Akron. Fronting as a popular neighborhood eatery, the mayo dispensary had long been under the vigilant eye of McBone and its subsidiary group, the Anti-Mayonnaise Alliance, which acted upon multiple suspected mayonnaise offenses.
The raid, taking place just after midnight, quickly uncovered myriad violations, including the mishandling and possession of mass quantities of mayonnaise with the intent to sell.
The mayonnaise was stored in 5 gallon drums, each lined with a flimsy plastic membrane. Cursory investigations report that the mayonnaise was in its typically dangerous state of putrefaction and aggressively eating through the insufficient containers. Special, lead-reinforced transportation units carried the mayonnaise to a mayonnaise disposal center, where it was immediately destroyed. While the exact amount confiscated is unknown, it is rumored to be no less than 25 gallons, enough to cause a county-wide environmental catastrophe.
Pictured left: the secret mayonnaise cache.
The eatery, one of the many holdings of Stabbone, ltd., has been closed indefinitely. Proprietor and sinister arch-criminal Stabbone, already implicated in numerous mayonnaise scandals, has been missing since 1967. The McBone prosecution team plans to seek felony charges against his diabolical network of cronies, stooges and henchmen.
Mayonnaise abuse in northern Ohio has been spiking in recent months, and the crackdown on the Bath outlet is seen as a major victory at a time when state officials, parents and activist groups are demanding action.