Thursday, April 17, 2008

Happy Birthday, Dear Sister

Today is my sister’s birthday. There are thousands of reasons I haven’t spoken to Kristin in over 17 years. Here are a mere ten of the things she used to delight in doing when I was a small boy:

1. Pinning me to the ground and letting a rope of saliva hang just above my face before sucking it back in, over and over again.*

2. Raking her razor-sharp fingernails across my face.

3. Telling me that no one would ever love me because I'm "so ugly."

4. Putting her cigarettes out on my eyelids.

5. Making me drink gin from the dog's bowl.

6. Choking me to the verge of unconsciousness.

7. Driving me out to the country, forcing me out of the car and saying, "good luck finding your way home, idiot."

8. Making me bleed.

9. Laughing at my failures.

10. Dipping my baseball cards in mayonnaise.**

Kristin, wherever you are, I forgive you! I forgive you, dear sister, and I love you. Call me, so we can be a family again.

Happy birthday!

Pictured above: Kristin with another unsuspecting victim in her vile clutches.


*Actually happened

**Would be unforgivable

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