Sunday, December 6, 2009

This Jug of Carlo Rossi Burgundy Just Won't Go Away!

Gentle McBoners, I write to you in a state of desperation, a man almost done in by pride.  You see, I've been working on a giant jug of Carlo Rossi Burgundy for a few weeks now, and no matter what I do, the stuff just won't go away.  Glass after glass I pour and quaff, to no avail!  Honestly, I think I've met my match.  Carlo, you are the better man.

I bought the giant jug of Carlo Rossi Burgundy because I had been watching some old commercials starring Charles 'Carlo' Rossi himself.  He's a man of many words and an even bigger thirst, and, perhaps caught up in Carlo's no-nonsense brand of joie de vivre, I was persuaded to slap 12 dollars down at the Kroger for a jug of my own. I admit to being a little put off at its boast of being '100% grape wine,' and its instructions to 'refrigerate after opening,' but mostly I was upbeat about the prospect of drinking, as Carlo put it, an 'honest wine for real people.'  It so happens that I am a real person, though the checkout guy must have had his doubts, because he asked for some ID to prove it.

I managed to get the ungainly jug home all right, but I knew I was going to need help once the cap was unscrewed.  Alex joined me initially, but after one glass she excused herself from any further obligation to the Carlo Rossi Project.  'You're on your own,' she declared and ventured into the cellar to retrieve a dusty 1961 Château Latour.

I thought I was up to the challenge.  You know me, McBoners; my love of alcoholic beverages is well documented.  But this humongous jug of Carlo Rossi Burgundy, this was a different sort of monster.  Still, I slipped on my drinkin' shoes, and, lo!, the die was cast: two men, one jug, and enough Burgundy to to make my liver want to run and hide.  The showdown would be epic, but I knew in my heart of hearts that I would prevail.

Over a month later, old Carlo Rossi, long dead, is having the first of the last laughs.  It's not that Carlo Rossi Burgundy, which is something like Nyquil mellowed with grape Kool-aid, is terrible, over even that bad.  It's just that there's so damned much of it!  Look at what's left after weeks of hard work (also note my Cleveland Cavaliers hat, indicating my loyalty to the Cleveland Cavaliers basketball team):

I swear I've poured a thousand glasses of this stuff, but it just keeps coming.  What's that?  Pour it down the drain, you say?  Bite your tongues!  Many billions of grapes gave their lives to make this ultracheap jug of wine, and I won't desecrate their memory.  I also will never buy a jug (or box!) of Carlo Rossi Burgundy again.  Or Carlo Rossi Chablis, Chianti, or Vin Rosé for that matter.

Still, a flicker of hope remains.  I'm not ready to back down quite yet.  You may be winning, Carlo, you old bastard, but you haven't broken me...yet.



Kid Shay said...

It's the gift that never stops giving, long after it should.

If you finish do they put a picture of you up at the local Kroger?

Anonymous said...

Love the article! If you're into a challenge since this escapade, I bet you would be able to conquer the Paisano! I've read it's the best of the selection. It also isn't half bad by my experience.