Normally I'm not a big believer in New Year's resolutions, which have always seemed to me a litany of empty promises made to the self when one is intoxicated with champagne and a phony spirit of renewal. January first is just a date in the calendar, after all, and it comes during the bleakest time of the year. Seems to me we annually try to talk ourselves into living right, and quickly slump back into old habits and winter gloom.
And yet, I must admit that 2008 was a bit of a disappointment for me. I feel that, as I advance deeper into my thirties, I should strive to maintain a youthful vigor and a zest for health and happiness that I let slip away in recent past. A renaissance is in order, and therefore this year I resolve to:
1) Finally put on those extra 45 pounds.
2) Triple, nay, quadruple my drinking.
3) Replace fiber in my diet with cigarettes.
4) Live by the old rule, a pickled egg a day keeps the doctor away.
5) Break my personal record of not urinating for 87 hours straight.
6) Avenge my grandfather's death.
7) Throw up like I mean it.
8) Lance this boil.
9) Watch YouTube until my eyeballs bleed.
10) Spawn a master race of super-robots.
On behalf of the M.I.A. and presumed-dead Jeff Bowler, the NOML, the NIML, the AMA and everyone at McBone Inc, Happy New Year everyone!