The Last Things on Earth You'd Ever Want to Use Mayonnaise For

You've heard the term "all-purpose" before, right? It applies to many things. Household cleaners come to mind, and all-purpose flour is a must in any kitchen. However there is one item found in most refrigerators to which all-purpose does not apply. While we condemn mayonnaise use in any form, we feel compelled to issue a special warning against substituting the White Menace for any of the following:

Thirst quencher. If you have a mighty thirst, put the mayonnaise jar down and try water instead. Other, more sensible solutions include Gatorade, juice, milk, coffee, malt liquor, pickle brine, Tabasco sauce, molasses, seawater, human blood, paint thinner, raw sewage.

Coffee creamer. Out of milk or your favorite non-dairy creamer? Suck it up and drink your coffee black. Believe me, stirring a blob of mayonnaise into your hot beverage is not a wise choice.

Donut filling. Imagine biting into what you thought was a warm, custard-filled donut, but what gushes out is not custard at all.

Toothpaste. Your dentist would tell you the same thing: use an ADA-approved product like Crest or Colgate instead.

Mouthwash. Want your mouth to feel clean and minty-fresh? Don't swish with mayo!

Lip gloss. Somehow, this nauseates me more than all the others.

Suntan lotion. That squeeze bottle of Hellmann's may look a little like Coppertone, but Mayonnaise does not block harmful UV rays. It also tends to start smelling funny when it's out in the sun too long.

Underarm deodorant. A dollop of mayonnaise will decidedly NOT guard against odor and wetness. This will also ruin every shirt you own and destroy your social life.

Whipped topping. How 'bout a little mayo to top off your banana split, pumpkin pie or hot fudge sundae? Didn't think so.

Shaving cream. Want to clog every pore on your face? Want an oily complexion? Want to repel women and attract flies? Then lather up with mayonnaise every morning.

McBone also strongly warns against the use of mayonnaise as a salad dressing or sandwich spread.

The preceding was a public service announcement paid for by McBone and the AMA.

nwb