Few things in life can be divided into categories of good and evil. Sure there are a few absolute goods, like America, Jesus and capitalism. Likewise there are some obvious evils. Sweden, Barbara Streisand and the New York Yankees pop into mind.But few are so easily delineated as two ever-at-odds condiments. Both begin with the letter "m," both have roots in France, and that is where the similarities end.
Let's break it down by category.
Smell
Mustard: piquant
Mayo: stagnant, sulfurous, nauseating
Texture
Mustard: ranging from smooth to whole grain
Mayo: oily, greasy, gelatinous
Color
Mustard: anywhere between vibrant yellow to a deep, rich brown
Mayo: jaundice, sickly white, Boo Radley
Nutritional value
Mustard: fortifying, invigorating
Mayo: obesity, hypertension, premature death
Viscosity
Mustard: low
Mayo: Vaseline, Quaker State
Essence
Mustard: vibrant, festive
Mayo: living dead, comatose
Sex appeal
Mustard: Sean Connery, Rita Hayworth, young Marlon Brando
Mayo: Donald Rumsfeld, Roseanne Barr, old Marlon Brando
Flavor
Mustard: robust, pronounced, tangy, spicy, sharp
Mayo: dull, insipid, paste, glue, pus
Brought to you by McBone and the Anti Mayonnaise League. McBone discourages the use of mayonnaise in any form, internal or external. If you or a family member has a problem with mayonnaise abuse, do not hesitate to contact our around-the-clock mayonnaise counselors.
nwb
Pictured above: a mustard plant in bloom and a noxious tub of mayonnaise.
3 comments:
Jesus and Barbara Streisand are both Jews. They could be on either end of a spectrum, with every other Jew falling somewhere in between.
dear mustard vs. mayonnaise my friend loves maynonnaise and i hate it, but i love mustard and she hates it. what do we do???
Rosie,
Your differences are irreconcilable. There is only one solution: you must kill her before she multiplies.
nwb
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