Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Mustard vs. Mayonnaise


Few things in life can be divided into categories of good and evil. Sure there are a few absolute goods, like America, Jesus and capitalism. Likewise there are some obvious evils. Sweden, Barbara Streisand and the New York Yankees pop into mind.

But few are so easily delineated as two ever-at-odds condiments. Both begin with the letter "m," both have roots in France, and that is where the similarities end.

Let's break it down by category.

Smell

Mustard: piquant

Mayo: stagnant, sulfurous, nauseating

Texture

Mustard: ranging from smooth to whole grain

Mayo: oily, greasy, gelatinous

Color

Mustard: anywhere between vibrant yellow to a deep, rich brown

Mayo: jaundice, sickly white, Boo Radley

Nutritional value

Mustard: fortifying, invigorating

Mayo: obesity, hypertension, premature death

Viscosity

Mustard: low

Mayo: Vaseline, Quaker State

Essence

Mustard: vibrant, festive

Mayo: living dead, comatose

Sex appeal

Mustard: Sean Connery, Rita Hayworth, young Marlon Brando

Mayo: Donald Rumsfeld, Roseanne Barr, old Marlon Brando

Flavor

Mustard: robust, pronounced, tangy, spicy, sharp

Mayo: dull, insipid, paste, glue, pus

Brought to you by McBone and the Anti Mayonnaise League. McBone discourages the use of mayonnaise in any form, internal or external. If you or a family member has a problem with mayonnaise abuse, do not hesitate to contact our around-the-clock mayonnaise counselors.

nwb

Pictured above: a mustard plant in bloom and a noxious tub of mayonnaise.

3 comments:

Kid Shay said...

Jesus and Barbara Streisand are both Jews. They could be on either end of a spectrum, with every other Jew falling somewhere in between.

rosie said...

dear mustard vs. mayonnaise my friend loves maynonnaise and i hate it, but i love mustard and she hates it. what do we do???

Nate and Jeff Bowler, Co-Captains said...

Rosie,

Your differences are irreconcilable. There is only one solution: you must kill her before she multiplies.

nwb