Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Mustard vs. Mayonnaise
Few things in life can be divided into categories of good and evil. Sure there are a few absolute goods, like America, Jesus and capitalism. Likewise there are some obvious evils. Sweden, Barbara Streisand and the New York Yankees pop into mind.
But few are so easily delineated as two ever-at-odds condiments. Both begin with the letter "m," both have roots in France, and that is where the similarities end.
Let's break it down by category.
Mayo: stagnant, sulfurous, nauseating
Mustard: ranging from smooth to whole grain
Mayo: oily, greasy, gelatinous
Mustard: anywhere between vibrant yellow to a deep, rich brown
Mayo: jaundice, sickly white, Boo Radley
Mustard: fortifying, invigorating
Mayo: obesity, hypertension, premature death
Mayo: Vaseline, Quaker State
Mustard: vibrant, festive
Mayo: living dead, comatose
Mustard: Sean Connery, Rita Hayworth, young Marlon Brando
Mayo: Donald Rumsfeld, Roseanne Barr, old Marlon Brando
Mustard: robust, pronounced, tangy, spicy, sharp
Mayo: dull, insipid, paste, glue, pus
Brought to you by McBone and the Anti Mayonnaise League. McBone discourages the use of mayonnaise in any form, internal or external. If you or a family member has a problem with mayonnaise abuse, do not hesitate to contact our around-the-clock mayonnaise counselors.
Pictured above: a mustard plant in bloom and a noxious tub of mayonnaise.
Posted by McBone at 11:16 PM