Sunday, April 5, 2009

Nate Eats a Slim Jim!

Nothing says 'disgusting' quite like a Slim Jim. And these days Slim Jim is way more than a highly unhealthy, jerky style smoked snack stick. Sure you get the same old walloping dose of sodium and saturated fat, but did you know there is now a virtual Slim Jim world called Spicytown? I'll bet you didn't! Upon making this discovery, I immediately created an avatar and entered the delapidated and garbage-strewn universe. In Spicytown, you can collect Slim Jims, kick over garbage cans, spray paint walls, and, of course, pick fights. Your main weapons are your fists, your guile and a backyard charcoal grill that can be used to brain your opponent. One thing Spicytown did not have was a lot of guests. I suspect I was the only real visitor in the domain, and I myself quickly exited when I realized that each moment spent in Spicytown was a precious chunk of life flushed right down the ol' shitter.

Besides, in the real world my Giant Slim awaited. Time to leave Spicytown behind and, as Randy 'Macho Man' Savage used to implore us, SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!!!!!!!!!!

I confess I have a weakness for this terrible, terrible treat, which I regard as sort of the filet mignon of the worst foods in the world. Everything about a Slim Jim screams 'unnatural, artery clogging death rod,' and yet I can't ignore the cascade of slobber that spills from my mouth. I've seen many similar snacks meant for dogs, but this baby is mine all mine.

First things first though, so let's have a look at the label! Just a little searching reveals that this Twin Pack (nearly two ounces all for me!) has been inspected and approved by the US Dept. of Agriculture. Always good to know the government has my back. I also notice that Slim Jims are manufactured by ConAgra, which is of course the food equivalent of the Third Reich. However, like any good consumer, I think happy thoughts and move on. Next is the nutrition info and I know what you're thinking. Obviously this ain't a health food, so why would a moderately, even minimally, health conscious person want to ingest something that is just a few steps removed from toxic waste? Well, we can spin things all we want in this here McBoniverse, so to you I retort: who cares if one Giant Slim contains 5 grams of saturated fat? I'm also getting 2% of the vitamin A I need to promote better vision and a stronger immune system. And calcium? A Slim Jim tips the scales at 4%. I haven't even taken a bite and already I can feel my teeth and bones getting stronger. Osteoporosis? Meet Jim!

I'll bet you've changed your tune now, haven't you? Now you're wanting to know what's responsible for all this wholesome goodness? Well, it's more than just beef. It's also plenty of: mechanically separated chicken, water, corn syrup, soy protein concentrate, less than 2% of: salt, spices, dextrose, paprika and paprika extractives, flavoring, hydrolized soy, corn and wheat proteins, lactic acid starter culture, sodium nitrite.

Okay, so it's not tofu, but it sure beats a Twinkie. I'm not really sure I want to know what lactic acid starter culture is, but that's enough fooling around. I take a bite and quickly notice that the thing doesn't 'snap' so much at all. Really it has more of a chewy, leathery texture, sort of like gnawing off a hunk of my baseball mitt. I'm willing to do a little work here, so I chew and chew and finally taste and am immediately sent into mild shock from the severe sodium overload. A tide of grease fills my mouth and the enzyme levels triple throughout my body, sort of the equivalent of sandbagging against an imminent flood and destruction. I'm going to pay for this somewhere down the road, but still, it's hard to get more shamefully delicious than what is being grudgingly broken down by my teeth and saliva. I examine the more subtle flavors: pepper, imitation smoke, and only the finest mechanically separated (beak free!) chicken. I swallow, and for a fleeting moment I see before me a barren plain filled with sulfur pits and a rolling black mist. Shrill, demonic laughter fills my ears, but I shake it off and finish my yummy snack, happy to have ingested 8% of the iron I need to get me through the day.

Hey folks, I'm not an idiot. I know I'd need about a dozen years of fasting and cleansing and meditation and god knows what else to undo the damage I just did to my poor body. Was it worth it, you ask? My answer is a thumping hell yes!

And so I say to you, McBoners, if you can get beyond the ConAgra thing and all the mistreatment of animals and horrible working conditions and the unrepentant polluting and blah blah blah boo-hoo, then treat yourself to a Slim Jim! Gnaw away, and I'll see you in Spicytown soon!


1 comment:

Kid Shay said...

Falling Rock salutes you, McBone, for daring to eat the forbidden foods. The army rewards bravery on the field of battle, but here in the blogosphere we'll have to make do with semi-anonymous comments.